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What a hat will do


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Wear on your head

to display dignity and authority

as only a king or a queen would.

 

Bear the glances of admiration

like a super model catwalks on the stage

under cheering spotlight.

 

Feel the pain, the weight and how

migraine pulsates, or how the shoulders

 

sag, cervical vertebra throbs as each

ounce and inch add to the hat.

 

 

(Not sure about this piece. Some abstract words. Is the meaning too vague?)

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Lake, I like the poem, specifically how you establish a correlation between the way others perceive particular hats and those hats' possible effects on their wearers. For example, a side effect from the "power" hat could be a tired body burdened by a heavy heart. As to your questions, I'll wait for others to put on their "critic" hats and chime in. ;)

 

Tony :)

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Lake,

 

First time thru, had an impression of awkwardness- ie- spotlight (I Thought) should be spotlights- But on subsequent readings the perceived awkwardness became eloquence- reflecting the weight of the metaphor- so I must agree with tony an enjoyable experience!

 

(and yes I'll leave to others the final drafting comments) but I think it works!

 

Many Thanks!

 

DC&J

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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(Not sure about this piece. Some abstract words. Is the meaning too vague?)

 

I have heard that too few good poems are written in second person. This is one. I like the progression from pride/vanity to the burden of the same.

I yet have to see the metaphor, but is having a metaphor that important? The meaning is not vague at all but needs some fleshing out, methinks.

 

I do have some qualms about "spotlights cheering", for this interesting image could be expressed differently. Yet, I do not see all that much of abstractions, quite the contrary the poem is concrete enough in wording to make the abstractions solid. Another minor discrepancy is to say, in paraphrase, "you/model (noun) catwalk (verb) on the stage," for I believe that, normally, models 'strut' on catwalks(!), not stages.

 

It does not hurt a poem in first draft (I think that that is what it is) to be awkward, and the basics are often merely a necessary though not sufficient to say all. Among my acquaintances, the top poets do revise. Here is my take. It is not a rewrite but a semantic/syntactic edit to explain what I imagine your poem might be wishing to tell me. Let me know your objections, corrections to my lack of better insight.

 

Wear it on our head

to display dignity and authority

like only a king or a queen would.

 

Bear the glances of admiration

like a super model strutting on the catwalks on the stage

under cheering spotlights.

 

Feel the pain, the weight

and how a migraine pulsates,

or how the shoulders sag,

 

cervical vertebra throbs

with as each ounce and inch

added to that the hat.

Edited by waxwings
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Tony,

 

I like your interpretation of side effect on the wearer. And I see the "cirtic" hat downstairs.

 

Many thanks for the read and comment.

 

Lake

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Dr. Con,

 

Yes, I agree it is awkward, something unusual in my writing. Perhaps, there's a slight (or big) difference between spotlight and spotlights. If you don't mind explaining it to me, that'll be greatly appreciated.

 

And glad you see the weight metaphor.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

Edited by Lake
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Thanks waxwings for your help.

 

I have heard that too few good poems are written in second person. This is one.

 

Do you mean there are not many good poems written in second person? I didn't know that, I'll have to pay attention to in my future reading.

 

I agree with most of what you said and will take them in my edit. But I really, really like "catwalks" being used as a verb. What shall I do? :rolleyes:

 

I'll come back to read your crits in more detail.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

Edited by Lake
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Thanks waxwings for your help.

 

I have heard that too few good poems are written in second person. This is one.

 

Do you mean there are not many good poems written in second person? I didn't know that, I'll have to pay attention to in my future reading.

 

I agree with most of what you said and will take them in my edit. But I really, really like "catwalks" being used as a verb. What shall I do? :rolleyes:

 

I'll come back to read your crits in more detail.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

 

Thanks for your kind reply. I was hoping you would not find it overly amiss that I rephrased a good part of your nice poem, but I have yet to find how to avoid long and laborious comments that would include all the fine details of linguistic and poetic refinement. And it does not hurt to conform to as usual as possible a syntax/grammar.

 

I did think there was something special about you choosing 'catwalks'. It is a rather unusual, to say the least, way to create a verb, but the idea has high poetic merit. I suppose I stumbled on the 'stage' part, for as I said, that is not where you see fashion models work.

 

But I certainly see the catlike movement a model is likely to display. In that vein, you could employ a number of words to put your observation across using phrases including one, two or more of such verbs, adjectives and nouns as: slink, catlike, strut, flow, grace, feline, flow, glide and try ramp or catwalk etc. instead of stage. It is grewat to coin words that do not appear in common, everyday English, but there are familiar words that can be combine to say what is in your heart/soul, as many do to get that special poetic feel/effect.

 

Hope you find a solution that pleases you, first.

Edited by waxwings
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Want to know how odd it was? The original first line was:

 

sit on your head :))

 

Thought it might sound too weird to some people, so I changed it to wear.

 

I had a google to look for other expressions for the T-shaped stage that models walk on and found synonyms like ramp, runway, platform, stage... "catwalk" used as a verb actually is not my creation (though I hope it is me), I've heard people saying and writing it that way (it sounds cute to me) though not as common a way as being used as a noun.

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Want to know how odd it was? The original first line was:

 

sit on your head :))

 

Thought it might sound too weird to some people, so I changed it to wear.

 

I had a google to look for other expressions for the T-shaped stage that models walk on and found synonyms like ramp, runway, platform, stage... "catwalk" used as a verb actually is not my creation (though I hope it is me), I've heard people saying and writing it that way (it sounds cute to me) though not as common a way as being used as a noun.

 

The choice of "sit" is not bad but if you/your poem is adressing a 'second person' you might say "sit on my/a head". The most common term used in newspapers and magazines (I just found out) is "runway", my idea re "ramp" was bad, but "stage" is not logically or semantically acceptable.

 

Yes, to say"I am catwalking" evokes a picture like "baby-sitting" even though "dogtrotting" is used widely. There are some crazy fine things about any language when it comes to saying what is and what is not acceptable, and surprises abound.

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Aleksandra

Hello, Lake. Very interesting poem. Really a hat can do a lot. You expressed very well and it's a good metaphor. Here we say in political way: He replaced the hat, and now he is from the government side :) (not sure about real translation of the origin expression - but it's said about those people who are used to change political party only for their interests).

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

You seem to be experimenting with a wide range of themes. This is wonderfully whimsical and I particularly love the play here:

 

a super model catwalks on the stage

 

catwalks is unusual.

 

 

To your question: Is the meaning too vague ?

 

 

as a common reader of poetry I would say that each takes their own reading of a piece and a certain vagueness or subtleness is essential to allow such leeway. The poet and poem is only in trouble if one is writing about a hat and the reader thinks it is about a train. Perhaps obtuseness is more of a problem than vagueness?

 

 

 

 

I am enjoying your exploration of different motifs.

 

 

Thank you.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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