goldenlangur Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) Edited: three little words silently tossed across the seas in my in-box your message lights up a cold and wet spring First version: three little words silently tossed across the seas in my in-box your messages lights up a cold and wet spring Edited June 4, 2010 by goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 three little wordssilently tossed across the seas in my in-box your messages lights up a cold and wet spring An excellent subject for a well done Western version tanka. As per tradition, the title is unneeded. BTW, should that not read "messages light" (sing.) etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 27, 2010 Share Posted May 27, 2010 Nice GL, three little words - I can only assume the obvious - I love you . . . these would light up any cold and wet spring... So simple, so lovely. On a techinical note, I think "message" rather than "messages" would be more appropriate... Your first line refers to 3 words which I would assume was 1 message. However, there might be more messages unrevealed that you are reffering to and your assumed audience is only the sender of the messages then "messages" is appropriate. But for the random reader of this poem, only the 1 message is pertinent. (I certainly made scrambled eggs out of that thought.) I like "light" up the cold and wet Spring... yet, I wonder if to "warm" up the cold and wet Spring would be more cozy...Just a thought. (Your poem lit up my room but it happens to be pouring rain outside right now and it is chilly so I am looking for cozy right now. Rain in May?) By the way, we can't reply in the "Promotions" forum but I wanted to say congratulations on the publishing of your work. It doesn't surprise me. I have always been a fan. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 29, 2010 Share Posted May 29, 2010 I like the modern circuitry in this tanka, Goldenlangur. I hope the message keeps the memory chip warm for some time to come. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 30, 2010 Share Posted May 30, 2010 very beautiful. i like. victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 GL, A very clear and perfect work- deeply impressed by the simplicity and yet it convets so much... Well Done, DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 golden, Like Tinker, three little words of "I love you" immediately come to my mind ( or are there any other three words?). Then you have to decide as others sugguested either "your messages light up" or "your message lights up". As usual, very nice tanka. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 Hi waxwing, Tink, Tony, victor, DC and Lake, Thank you so much for taking the time to read this tanka. There was indeed a typo in message, which I have now amended, thanks to your close reading. Tony - so glad that the modern ton of this appealed to you. victor - I'm delighted that you enjoyed the romantic note. Tink - Thank you for your kind wishes. It's a small start. I appreciate your generous support of my writing. Re your suggestion of warms up, I think it is great idea and will use it in my re-write. With appreciation. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted June 6, 2010 Share Posted June 6, 2010 Charming and personal one Golden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 12, 2010 Share Posted June 12, 2010 'lights up' suggests warmth and more, shreds the gloom, 'warmth' has less 'spark' either way a warming poem badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 Wow Goldenlangur, these three little worlds looks very far but at same time very close. This is lovely tanka, I felt desire in your words, and that is what makes the spring cold and wet - if I watch in metaphorically way. As always, this was beautiful poem to read. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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