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badger11

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beyond the river's prattle

to stone,

bone white.

 

beyond

muddy love pools,

a once bright leaf,

floating

 

just

beyond.

 

 

 

original

 

beyond the river's prattle

to stone bone white,

beyond muddy love pools

that once bright leaf,

floating just beyond

Edited by badger11
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The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other.

 

I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion.

 

In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other.

 

I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion.

 

In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity.

 

Tony

 

I'm piggy-backing on tonyv's response. Not sure if 'bright leaf' is symbolic or stands for a person/item that is not recognizable to us via the poem's contents. Unless you are writing the poem strictly for yourself there should be a hint of who/what that image is to mean.

 

To elucidate, to say "the bright leaf" either points to a previously mentioned 'leaf' or a person/object. Conversely, 'a bright leaf' is less demanding as to a need for somebody/thing declared previously. Such small details, unfortunately, can create some muddling in the very best poem.

 

In effect, you may need to expand the poem sonly slightly, but, as tonyv points out, it is up to you to follow your intention.

 

My take is that repeating "beyond" could be more effective if there were a comma after "stone" because the following "bone white" is, without a comma a naked inversion, but w/comma an abbreviation for "a stone (that is) bone white. These are the 'tricks' that poets do use to avoid the more prosey/plain Jane statement "the bone white stone".

 

Another thing I miss in this, a wonderful mood setter, is a verb. The "floating" is a gerund acting as an adverb or as part of an adverbial phrase to that missing verb.

Edited by waxwings
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The leaf was once bright (now it's not), so this makes me think of autumn leading into winter. For some reason, when I read this, I picture a white leaf (a victim of pollution, perhaps?) and birch trees. But I do see the calm river at the one end and the more turbulent near-rapids at the other.

 

I wonder if that once bright leaf could be changed to read a once bright leaf ... While "that" is certainly clear, the other way provides for a smoother, one-shot read. I do realize an ever-so-slight difference in meaning could result from such an alteration. So, if it's detrimental to intention, please disregard this suggestion.

 

In any case, the poem delights. It's idyllic, with a badge :) of profundity.

 

Tony

 

Pleased you enjoyed Tony. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion too.

 

all the best

 

badge

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hi ww

 

Thank you for taking so much time and offering such a detailed response. As always you give me much to think about.

 

all the best

 

badge

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hi ww

 

Thank you for taking so much time and offering such a detailed response. As always you give me much to think about.

 

all the best

 

badge

 

If I have said anything about poetry that gives you much to think about, I find every second I spent on thinking of the right thing to say worth at least an ounce of gold, even if what I said is mostlu wrong. Thanks for reacting. That is more worth to me than the gold.

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When e.e. cummings came up with this type of layout, the 'shape' was organic to the content. I like your attempt, but your poem's content seems a bit too large for it. It might be fruitful to take out all those extra (blank) vertical spaces to un-dilute the revision.

 

Her is my take on what your poem's strong points are. By that, I mean the beautifull and numerous parallels (Lewis Turco would callm it syntactical prosody) beg to be underlined by the shape/spacing as should be the counterpoints. You do use commas. To be consistent, drop them or use all that apply. And while I do not miss capitalizing at least the starting letter, a period (or ellipses?) at the end cannot hurt.

 

I think you have conceived one of those once-in-a-lifetime poems. But you are free to ignore this old geezer.

 

beyond

the river's prattle,

the stone,

bone white,

 

beyond

muddy love pools,

 

that once bright leaf,

 

floating,

 

just

beyond.

Edited by waxwings
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Hi badge,

 

I like the revision which is more fluid and with the spaces between the lines, it breathes well.

It has a feel of haiku or zen to be honest. Like the repetition of the word "beyond".

I prefer "a once bright leaf" to "that once bright leaf", "a" gives a sense of anatta which is highly appreciated in haiku and zen poetry.

 

Enjoyed much!

 

Lake

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Hi badge,

 

I like the revision which is more fluid and with the spaces between the lines, it breathes well.

It has a feel of haiku or zen to be honest. Like the repetition of the word "beyond".

I prefer "a once bright leaf" to "that once bright leaf", "a" gives a sense of anatta which is highly appreciated in haiku and zen poetry.

 

Enjoyed much!

 

Lake

 

Thank you for the thumbs up Lake and for introducing me to 'anatta'.

 

badge

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  • 2 weeks later...
beyond the river's prattle

to stone,

bone white.

 

beyond

muddy love pools,

a once bright leaf,

floating

 

just

beyond.

 

Badge, your poems are always deeply metaphorical. With the word beyond, you are showing a lot. In S1 you have the conclusion of the poem. The end reinforces it. It's unusual, and that's what attracted me to the poem.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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