dr_con Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 bridge over He was practicing invisibility morning after a rock solid bad luck night reflecting time But I was dropping illusion parking-lot shortcut cheap tobacco Sunday elections protections I smile at his hunch- Smoking in the shadows between garbage dumpsters and he glares My tobacconist chats about paranoia as I leave Shade penetrates my spine neck hat a once over Despite the message I walk scared Sun after rain Kills my story leaving only the shine puddle reflections The cracks everywhere whisper old stories Trees and vines glisten Fall full living now A city re-enchanted always there only this forgetting hides home. Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 Hi DC, This is a much tighter write, quite different from your wonderfully sonorous flow of thoughts, images and allusions. You still manage to pack quite a lot in this poem. I love the character sketches - the narrator, the tobacconist, and the other person smoking in shadow between the garbage dumpsters. Your evocation of the urban landscape is similarly achieved with some deft details: parking-lot, garbage dumpsters tobacconist And then juxtaposed to this are descriptions of the season and nature: Trees and vines glisten Fall fullliving now These details, so concise are quite brilliant: Sun after rain puddle reflections The city and the narrator's surroundings are alive and buzzing. Life goes on, as it were. In the midst of all this the narrator is caught in a reflective mood and moment: A city re-enchantedalways there only this forgetting hides home. What is this disquiet? Is it the season - Fall or the encounters the narrator has had or nature in all its elements - rain, sun - and the trees and vines (one imagines the turning of colors) that has triggered it? George Steiner, the literary critic and thinker said, "When the word of the poet ceases, a new thought begins ..." Your poem does this very well. :D Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 George Steiner, the literary critic and thinker said, "When the word of the poet ceases, a new thought begins ..." Your poem does this very well. :D Thank you. thats a brilliant notion to add to my read of this fascinating city-work of DrC's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 This is like looking in your organizer on Sunday morning and seeing "free time." I love how the Sun after rain/Kills my story leaving only the shine/puddle reflections. It's perfect, Juris. Don't change a thing. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted November 7, 2010 Share Posted November 7, 2010 You have a fab collection of first lines Dr C.! The individual in the poem seems overwhelmed by awareness, but then connects beyond the immediate and individual circumstance. I agree with gl about this leaner style, which I find more communicative. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted November 9, 2010 Author Share Posted November 9, 2010 Golden- I love your astute analysis and am flattered you used George Steiner as a reference to me- :icon_redface: Rumi, as always, thanks for dropping in... Tony, I'm glad it worked for you... Badge- Many thanks I'm glad it worked for you! And often I sit down with only the first line as my guide... Many Thanks All! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted November 9, 2010 Share Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) Hi Dr_Con, This is very much to my liking, it is more image-focused, less abstract but is also as meaningful as your others. There are many good lines, such as "shade penetrates..." instead of "light penetrates". Your title is also a good one, making me think the connection of the things... illusion and reality... In a hurry. Will be back to read in more detail. Lake Edited November 9, 2010 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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