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Poetry Magnum Opus

Brothers


Tinker

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Attempting to write examples for the verse forms I've researched and included at, Explore the Craft of Writing Poetry.    My latest example poem, a tripod, not always high poetry but honing the skills.

Brothers

Bonded by
boredom punctuated
with fear, born in a Humvee rattling
through some Stone Age village
called Amrut.

Weapons aimed
while scruffy children play
in rubble from yesterday's air strike.
Young soldiers in Kevlar
watch shadows.

No wheat fields
or big city subways,
the only thing like home is the guy
next to you. Only he
has your back.
              ---Judi Van Gorder

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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For something that's just practice, I'd say this one's accomplished, Tinker. The images are moving. My favorites are

 

Young soldiers in kevlar

watch shadows

 

and

 

No wheat fields

or big city subways,

the only thing like home is the guy

next to you ...

The form and content seem perfectly matched, and, in addition to the syllabic meter, you handle the tripod's "relationships between men" criteria quite well.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Hi, Tink. You are doing an amazing job. I am proud of our archive that we have on our board, thanks to you. I was always thinking that the well accomplished form (with the rules) doesn't go together with a wonderful poem, at the same time. Maybe because the poet in me refuse to look closer to the forms :). But, I know I am wrong, and I proved myself that after reading many poem from you, and few others here, who writes poetry in specific form, to which I applaud and put my hat down.

 

In this poem, I loved this expression a lot:

 

Young soldiers in kevlar

watch shadows.

 

Thank you and good luck with the rest of your journey :). Making a poem for each of the forms, wow, sounds very hard. You tell us, how it goes.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Hi TInk,

 

Like Tony and Aleksandra I too find your use of this form admirable. This is a very effective closure:

 

 

the only thing like home is the guy

next to you. Only he

has your back.

 

 

Thank you.

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Weapons aimed

while scruffy children play

in rubble from yesterday's air strike.

Young soldiers in kevlar

watch shadows.

 

yes, here too, much like this work-- the stanza above most esp.

 

for this one line though,

 

with fear, born in a Humvie rattling

 

it is the fear itself that is born in the Humvie, yes?

 

then is the comma right to indicate that? with the comma, Im left to wonder a bit longer than I wanted to, what it was that was being born in a Humvie-- without the comma, Im reading it right away that the fear was born... is this the intent?

 

or is it the bond that was born in the Humvie?

 

see, I really like using the line breaks for my reading of a work-- I USE them as I see them-- and so, without the comma, the linebreak gives a nice tang to the sound of my voice as I read it-- with the comma, I skip a bit in my throat at the line break...

 

for me--

 

I get that you and others may be doing something with it quite different

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Hi Tony, Thanks for seeing the connection with the form criteria. Sometimes I have to wonder about some of these invented forms I find on the internet, some seem just stupid but they do present different challenges. I liked writing this one. I am not a fan of war but I am a fan of the soldier.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hi Aleks, you are too generous with your praise. I am flattered thank you. We all write in form everytime we write a poem, It is just that some of us are more aware than others. Free form is no less a form than a sonnet.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hi Rumi, Hmmmm you give me something to ponder. I didn't really plan on putting much more into this one. BUT your point about the comma has me thinking.............

 

OK it is the brotherhood that bonded and was born.......... in the Humvie, not the fear. That is why the comma. Bonded, born . . . .

 

but if I have to explain then I didn't do a very good job with my lines and I need to see if I can communicate within the form's perameters. Counting syllables is a lot easier than counting metric feet. ~~smile~~

 

Thanks for the comments.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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