goldenlangur Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 What is there to know? Hole in the cloud - the sun greedily melts ice on the roof … drip, drip, drip blood and saline down clear long tubes. Against the white sheet the violet of bruised hand name on the tag in black. Measured beat by beat on the Endocardiogram, in ticks and notes on charts at the foot of the bed. Slowly thoughts empty … Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 Hi GL, This poem is really quite cleverly written, moving smoothly from nature to a medical drama, which was surprising. I liked this poem's progression and content very much. And as usual your imagery is crystal clear. I do wonder about these line: Against the white sheetthe violet of bruised hand name on the tag in black. They sound terse to my ears and I don't think they were meant to be terse. I understand you are compacting your images and eliminating all unnecessary words but to my ear an article or 2 would make the read more fluid. "a" or "the" before "bruised" and/or "name" would be a simple fix for the rhythm. This is just my perspective. I like the direction you are going with your writing. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 and I really like the title for what the poem is after-- so, as Tink is mentioning, here is the surprising transition from nature to medical ice on the roof …drip, drip, drip blood and saline down clear long tubes. the long tubes could well be gutters off of the roof, couldnt they? clever transition, this... I find I wish for a line or three more, making the transition a bit deeper, less abrupt still-- but I am fascinated by the piece, quite nice, GL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 Against the white sheetthe violet of bruised hand name on the tag in black. They sound terse to my ears and I don't think they were meant to be terse. I understand you are compacting your images and eliminating all unnecessary words but to my ear an article or 2 would make the read more fluid. "a" or "the" before "bruised" and/or "name" would be a simple fix for the rhythm. This is just my perspective. Thank you for highlighting this point. Perhaps an article before the 'bruised' will smooth the beat in this. I am grateful for something to reconsider in this. I like the direction you are going with your writing. Appreciate your encouragement. :D Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 the long tubes could well be gutters off of the roof, couldnt they? clever transition, this... This brings a big :) I must admit I haven't seen clear tubes used for gutters in our parts. I was hoping more for the dripping of the ice and the blood and saline comparison. I find I wish for a line or three more, making the transition a bit deeper, less abrupt still-- Would you mind elaborating this a little? but I am fascinated by the piece, quite nice, GL Thank you, rumisong. :) Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 the long tubes could well be gutters off of the roof, couldnt they? clever transition, this... This brings a big :) I must admit I haven't seen clear tubes used for gutters in our parts. I was hoping more for the dripping of the ice and the blood and saline comparison. no, there are no clear gutters here either-- I wasnt meaning what I was seeing to be that literal, but still a "help" in the transition from nature/architecture to medical/body --tubes, clear tubes, same difference, right? no-- not right... of course... I find I wish for a line or three more, making the transition a bit deeper, less abrupt still-- Would you mind elaborating this a little? not sure I can today-- that was my thought yesterday... no, I see Im over thinking it-- Ill read it again tomorrow, and see again, ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 Hi Golden, The big compliment from me in reading this poem is the rhythm, the beat I hear from reading it aloud. It has 2-3 beat lines in it, at least to my ear. Others may hear it differently. And the pivotal line of " drip, drip, drip" is another I like, it could be the drip of melting snow or the drip of blood and saline. Enjoyed, Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 Golden, there are certain works -- movies, poems, etc. -- which make an impact on me. I absorb them once, then set them aside, knowing that they're there, that I can take them in again, but I probably won't. This poem might be one of them. It's like the movie "Passion of the Christ," which I have in the DVD library but haven't been able to watch more than once. And then there's the letter my mother wrote to our veterinarian around three years ago when our dog died, detailing her final days :(( -- I haven't been able to bring myself to read that one, but I suppose that someday I will. Still, I wonder how you could bring yourself to write this ... I know I couldn't have. I, too, appreciate and admire the transition from the outside condition(s) to the hospital room. And the last line has such an intense feeling of finality, silence, loneness, of left behind ... Thank you for having the courage to reflect and to take us there. Thank you for this poem. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 I find I wish for a line or three more, making the transition a bit deeper, less abrupt still-- Would you mind elaborating this a little? not sure I can today-- that was my thought yesterday... no, I see Im over thinking it-- Ill read it again tomorrow, and see again, ok? I didn't understand what your remark meant and wondered if you made it more explicit I would have something to work on. But not to worry if that thought has now gone. Thank you all the same for revisiting. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 Hi Lake, I can't tell you how delighted I am by your reading and response to the beat in the poem: The big compliment from me in reading this poem is the rhythm, the beat I hear from reading it aloud. It has 2-3 beat lines in it, at least to my ear. Others may hear it differently. Lake Formal rhyme schemes are quite beyond me but sonority in a poem is important and I am so glad that you picked this aspect of the piece. I am also glad that the pivot in the line about the 'drip' works. Thank you very much. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted November 25, 2010 Author Share Posted November 25, 2010 Hi Tony, I am touched by your thoughts here: Golden, there are certain works -- movies, poems, etc. -- which make an impact on me. I absorb them once, then set them aside, knowing that they're there, that I can take them in again, but I probably won't. This poem might be one of them. It's like the movie "Passion of the Christ," which I have in the DVD library but haven't been able to watch more than once. And then there's the letter my mother wrote to our veterinarian around three years ago when our dog died, detailing her final days :(( -- I haven't been able to bring myself to read that one, but I suppose that someday I will. Tony How perceptive your reading and yes, I admit it has been quite difficult to write this: Still, I wonder how you could bring yourself to write this ... I know I couldn't have. ... the last line has such an intense feeling of finality, silence, loneness, of left behind ... Thank you for having the courage to reflect and to take us there. Thank you for this poem. Supportive feedback from you and others here go a long way in healing the scars of the experience. Thank you very much Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Golden. This is very powerful and very sad poem. Metaphors are not missing, as always. The first stanza I love it. That is brilliant metaphor that opens the poem and prepare us, the readers, for something unexpected: Hole in the cloud -the sun greedily melts ice on the roof … drip, drip, drip blood and saline down clear long tubes. After I read the blood and saline, your previous lines I read and understand like this: the clouds/sky is opening, to show the way to the heaven?! The sun greedily melts ice on the roof - maybe finally somebody would find peace after such pains and suffering?!... Then it comes the real drama, that is very moving. And at the end: Slowly thoughts empty … - well, to my understanding is some real strange feeling, because I feel that there are no thoughts anymore, all is clear.... Sorry, I was thinking loud and I liked to share with you, that this poem gave some heavy sigh... Impressive poem. Thank you for sharing. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi Aleksandra, I am so glad that you cared to share your thoughts aloud and how well you express your thoughts: ... I read and understand like this: the clouds/sky is opening, to show the way to the heaven?! The sun greedily melts ice on the roof - maybe finally somebody would find peace after such pains and suffering?!... Then it comes the real drama, that is very moving. And at the end: Slowly thoughts empty … - well, to my understanding is some real strange feeling, because I feel that there are no thoughts anymore, all is clear.... Sorry, I was thinking loud and I liked to share with you, that this poem gave some heavy sigh... Impressive poem. Thank you for sharing. Aleksandra Thank you very much. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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