Benjamin Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) you trust me loyal like a swan and gently we are drawn closer with anticipation of each other's every need our minds commingle as though up on some higher plane where neither lets the other pause to wonder who'll be left alone Edited February 19, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 A striking work, Benjamin. The pattern you've employed gives the effect of a building up, followed by a winding down. I like where this one takes me. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 (edited) Thankyou Tony the format is worked from Fibonacci's number sequence. I've seen it used before set out in a diamond shape. Benjamin. Edited February 18, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 you trust meloyal as a swan and gently we are drawn closer with anticipation of each other's every need our minds commingle as though up on some higher plane where neither lets the other pause to wonder who'll be left alone ...but you have left out the first three terms: 0,1,1. So what if the blank line (0) is the one before L1. Nevertheless, I consider it a fair challenge to write a full one, akin to writng haiku in three words. We tried that on another forum. Disregarding my nonsense, suggest replace "as" w/ "like" because there is a difference between "I worked like a horse" and "I worked like a horse. I have pulled a plow but I did not have four legs nor a mane nor tail. Perhaps, "in anticipation" to might be better. All of that does not make this other than a poigniant poem. I am going to try the form. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hello waxwings. My thanks to you for reading and leaving comment. The mirrored form of 3/5/8/13 used here was an example taken from a website. It deliberately omits the first three terms and as I said, it is worked “from” Fibonacci's number sequence. I have seen poems written from O onward which go on like crusades that threaten to explore infinity. :icon_cyclops: This particular form appealed to me because of it's brevity. It embraces a poignant thought I wished to express in a way that I hope did it some justice. I usually avoid using the word “like” in verse, although in this case you make a good point and it serves a dual purpose. The alliteration “loyal like” also strengthens the allusion to the mating habits of swans. I'm aware that it's perhaps more usual to say, “in anticipation” which to me infers an 'eagerness' and I did not want that. I chose “with anticipation” carefully. The un-punctuated nature of the poem (arguably) allows the reader to start a fresh line of thought-- “with anticipation of each other's every need/ our minds commingle” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hello waxwings. My thanks to you for reading and leaving comment. The mirrored form of 3/5/8/13 used here was an example taken from a website. It deliberately omits the first three terms and as I said, it is worked “from” Fibonacci's number sequence. I have seen poems written from O onward which go on like crusades that threaten to explore infinity. :icon_cyclops: This particular form appealed to me because of it's brevity. It embraces a poignant thought I wished to express in a way that I hope did it some justice. I usually avoid using the word “like” in verse, although in this case you make a good point and it serves a dual purpose. The alliteration “loyal like” also strengthens the allusion to the mating habits of swans. I'm aware that it's perhaps more usual to say, “in anticipation” which to me infers an 'eagerness' and I did not want that. I chose “with anticipation” carefully. The un-punctuated nature of the poem (arguably) allows the reader to start a fresh line of thought-- “with anticipation of each other's every need/ our minds commingle” The tropes I am thinking of, in the supposed order of effectiveness, are: 1)metaphor, 2) simile (using 'like' or 'as", depenting on the intent, i.e., to evoke similitude vs just comparison) and 3) either hyperbole, allusion, satire whatever the poet prefers. Not as straightforward is the decision between "with" vs "in. I se the former as pointing to an instrument of the action, like "wiping with a sleeve" vs the mode "wiping in spite", but the decision has to be left to the author, you in this case to insist the reader 'sees' "anticipation" the way you want her/him see it. Of course, we have no way of changing a reader's mindset, such as mine that I just described. And I stand corrected for leaving out a term. The start is : 0, 1, 1, 2, 3 (for those not immediately familiar, after the first two terms, 0 and 1, each next is the sum of the previous two terms. I see it rather a tough propositiom to start w/ other than 1, 2, 3 omitting 0 and the first 1, for while 0 is easy ( ...)but to have 1, 1 and make serious sense may be a rare success. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonqueen Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I'm embarrassed to admit I did not recognize this as a Fib, until you said it outright. I have written a few, myself and find the form both challenging and entertaining. However, you could have laid out these particular words in any format and I would have been just as taken by them. There is a softness in your works of this ilk that throw your heart out into plain sight. Beautiful, as ever, G. Tammi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Hi Tammi, thank you for reading, your comments are much appreciated. Popular short Fibs of 6 lines are entertaining and as waxwings quite correctly stated start at 0,1,1. They can however go much further. This particular form of writing though, does not appeal to me. I feel it overshadows poetry which is being conveyed. That's just a personal view however and I'll fiddle about with anything that fits the way I want to express a thought. :icon_sunny: G. “"Poets have written poems starting with higher Fibonacci number syllable lines and "counting backwards" to smaller syllable lines as well as writing up to a certain number of syllables and then reversing, creating a "stacked" poem."” http://www.squidoo.com/fibonaccipoetry. Edited February 21, 2011 by Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hi Benjamin, I am quite impressed by how well you've used the form- the brevity intensifies the emotions. Love the allusion to the faithful pairing of swans. It made a strong impact on me. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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