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Poetry Magnum Opus

actuality


moonqueen

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actuality

 

at the epicenter

of my sanity

swings a sledgehammer,

its strokes devastate

the crux of me.

 

whoosh.

whump.

 

each splinter evolves

into a different reality.

chips of instability litter

my essentia, linger

to become eventual confetti

for my wake.

 

03-18-11

©tlp 2011

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actuality

 

at the epicenter

of my sanity

swings a sledgehammer,

its strokes devastate

the crux of me.

 

whoosh.

whump.

 

each splinter evolves

into a different reality.

chips of instability litter

my essentia, linger

to become eventual confetti

for my wake.

 

03-18-11

©tlp 2011

 

 

I like it.

 

An interesting inversion-creation this: eventual confetti

to become eventual confetti

 

Maybe you could add another

whoosh

whump.

at the end

to leave it swinging

from the black desert

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Thanks! I actually did consider, using it twice, but in this way

 

whoosh, whump!

whoosh, whump!

 

between the two stanzas.

 

I appreciate your time and input.

 

Tammi

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I would think the afflicted would see the sledgehammer as an external force, but from the poem, I can see that it's an internal one:

 

at the epicenter

of my sanity

swings a sledgehammer,

its strokes devastate

the crux of me ...

 

An interesting pathology, Tammi. The poem expresses it very well.

 

Tony

 

PS -- I like your idea of using the whoosh/whump twice, too. Both ways are good.

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thanks, Tony. Do you think the second "whoosh" & "whump" would go better between the verses or as GK suggested, at the end?

 

t

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Do you think the second "whoosh" & "whump" would go better between the verses or as GK suggested, at the end?

Hmmm. Maybe it could be used in both places, middle and end, as a refrain? Or use it in the middle, and the other, single one at the end ...

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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rosschandler

i love onamonopia. good succinct and powerful structure.

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Tink, Ross, I want to thank both of you for taking your precious time to read and comment on my words. It is much appreciated.

 

mq

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