moonqueen Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 pain consumes mountains behind her she stands, eyes eastward to the only stretch of horizon she can view, the only one she needs. the box walls edge closer portals slam shut nothing out, nothing in. darkness eats at her psyche, she peers into blackness through the eyes of another. constricted energy ultimately bursts from the gash below her nose. profanity becomes shrapnel which embeds itself into all her surrounds. 03-24-11 ©tlp 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDgb Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Strong emotional assault here. The reader is absolutely bombarded by it. I liked the strength of the last verse. You might try to work a little more concrete imagery into the first verse. Just a thought. Quote GBrenton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 The gash below her nose! Profanity becomes shrapnel! Something tells me she's about to inflict a world of hurt on the not-so-innocent bystander. Time to put on the body armor ... Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I'm finding the second verse to be a bit too enigmatic for the rest of it. Could you show us just a little more without telling all? Just a thought . . . I don't yet have a good sense of your poetic voice. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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