dr_con Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) Flood You must make it today why this dilly-dally pretending that it won’t be gone ________in an instant unfairness vanished ________grace equally gone gone gone beyond beyond these wet floors sopping rugs the threat of mold and mildew Gratitude is hard to hold ________slipping away easily ________________a fish in water One finds the rigidity of privilege even a more difficult substrate for catching elusive voices just beneath excuses of hard work laziness Big unpredictable drops ________Stoic waves a hard crust our ancestors tell us always threatens ________to shift ________wash away Edited March 26, 2011 by dr_con Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Very fluid, Juris. The poem's layout, together with the repetition you use early on, works very well. I liked the paradox expressed in "excuses/of hard work/laziness." And even the poem itself gives the semblance of washing away at the end. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 Chance it would seem, really is a great leveller, and thwarts the best laid plans of mice and men. Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 I do like the way you've laid out the poem, DC. It mirrors the way the thoughts and images flow and weave together. Some great sonorous touches: The echoing effect in unfairness, grace, voices, excuses and laziness and also the alliterative effect in mold and mildew. This has a haunting significance in the light of the recent events in Japan: Big unpredictable drops ________Stoic waves a hard crust our ancestors tell us always threatens ________to shift ________wash away Beautiful to read out aloud and mull over! Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks Tony, Benjamin, Golden: Indeed resonance with Japan and the deluge which covered Northern california, flooding my temple of curiosity's ;-) As always, I deeply appreciate your readings! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Good construction of a poem, Juris. Same as Tony, I liked the paradox, also. There is something very interesting in the tone of this poem. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosschandler Posted April 11, 2011 Share Posted April 11, 2011 now this felt and read like a poem and not just a journal entry or elaborately structured prose. i enjoyed "gone gone beyond".... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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