eclipse Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 A cat’s slumber is broken by a rambling bird that manages to keep hold of food for its young. I steer one of my brood to sleep with a story about a sly God who wakes a sleeping sphinx with a clock lowered from the heavens. My son sleeps with eyelids anchored in a dream; upstairs a pregnant snoozing queen is incubating life- I put my ear to her womb and my unborn son tells me a story about a tribe’s indifference to a prophetic dreaming sphinx that talks in her sleep. In my living room a spider sleeps at the end of a thread above the flames of a coal fire- on the ceiling a different spider is constructing a web that catches the sphinx’s visions. Figures my son cut from card are scattered across the floor- time cuts out my dreaming self as I fall asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie London Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I don't believe the line lengths are doing the draft any justice. Here's a link that might be helpful. http://www.danagioia.net/essays/e13ways.htm The more I read this the more I think it's narrative and you should ley the lines breathe and do their work these wonderful images. A cat’s slumber is broken by a rambling bird that manages to keep hold of food for its young. I steer one of my brood to sleep with a story about a sly God who wakes a sleeping sphinx with a clock lowered from the heavens. He sleeps with eyelids anchored in a dream. Upstairs a pregnant snoozing queen is incubating life- I put my ear to her womb and my unborn son tells me a story about a tribe’s indifference to a prophetic dreaming sphinx that talks in her sleep. Etc.. Nice. Maggie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie London Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Forgot to tell you the ending kind of fades away to clichés. Almost like you got tired of writing. Maggie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) Forgot to tell you the ending kind of fades away to clichés. Almost like you got tired of writing. Maggie sorry I disagree-the ending isn't cliched and I didn't get tired of writing.. Edited July 4, 2011 by eclipse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggie London Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) I disagree back. Compared to the language and image-creating skill in the rest of the draft, this reads like a throw-away line: time cuts out my dreaming self as I fall asleep. And in my humble O, it doesn't have enough strength to support the poem above it. In answer to your email Q: the usual route-mother with child. Maggie Edited July 4, 2011 by Maggie London Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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