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When I First Fell In Love With Someone... Revision...


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

ok this is the revision of this poem. and i deleted it the older version here

and i placed it in another reply of this post. enjoy. this poem was not bad

but it did need some more continuity. victor...

 

Revision...

When I Fell In Love With You...

 

retitled:

When I First Fell In Love With Someone On Earth...

 

 

 

I saw you in a church

that I use to

frequent often.

I didn't want you

to leave

my horizon's peak

after that.

 

You captured my heart

then like the magic

that makes us breath.

 

I wanted to

dance with you

after I married you.

We would Wed

at the church

I grew up in

and attended

every week.

 

I burned on fire

at our wedding.

 

The whole world did

watch us smile

when we embraced

and said

"I do"

after we

exchanged

our vows.

 

This was to be

the last sunset

of our lives.

 

We made love

till sunrise

 

Everybody we knew

was dead and buried

so long before

we had a chance

to ever say

our goodbyes.

 

Like the dreams

we used to have

like so long ago

when we were children

while the sky

was crying on us

when we were dancing

on the sea.

 

Fire works

were exploding

all over Earth.

 

No one knew

or noticed

what was coming.

This minute a few

was able to see

their demise

as their world

and ours ended

in a million

explosions.

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Multi-layered in your usual, accessible style, Victor. I enjoyed all of it, but I especially liked "the last sunset of my life" and "fire works were exploding all over earth."

 

Good to see you. I hope you've been well.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

thanks tony for responding.

 

i have my ups and downs like everyone else.

 

victor michael

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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when we were children

while the sky

was crying on us

when we were dancing

on the sea.

 

Almost a foreboding vic.

 

The immense sky and sea, the children dancing in the moment careless of the future.

 

badge

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Hello Victor. This builds up nicely through a panoply of imagery and feeling into a great climax. I particularly liked “the sky was crying on us when we were dancing on the sea”. Benjamin.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Larsen M. Callirhoe

ok this is a revision of the poem.

 

Revision...

When I Fell In Love With You

 

retitled:

When I First Fell In Love With Someone On Earth...

 

 

 

I saw you in a church

that I use to

frequent often.

I didn't want you

to leave

my horizon's peak

after that.

 

You captured my heart

then like the magic

that makes us breath.

 

I wanted to

dance with you

after I married you.

We would Wed

at the church

I grew up in

and attended

every week.

 

I burned on fire

at our wedding.

 

The whole world did

watch us smile

when we embraced

and said

"I do"

after we

exchanged

our vows.

 

This was to be

the last sunset

of our lives.

 

We made love

till sunrise

 

Everybody we knew

was dead and buried

so long before

we had a chance

to ever say

our goodbyes.

 

Like the dreams

we used to have

like so long ago

when we were children

while the sky

was crying on us

when we were dancing

on the sea.

 

Fire works

were exploding

all over Earth.

 

No one knew

or noticed

what was coming.

This minute a few

was able to see

their demise

as their world

and ours ended

in a million

explosion.

 

 

 

this is the old one:...

when i feel in love with you

 

 

 

i saw you in a store

that i used to go to often.

i didn't want you

to leave my horizon's peak.

 

you captured my heart

like the magic

that makes us breath

 

i wanted to dance with you

after i married you

at a church i grew up in.

 

i burned on fire

at our wedding.

 

the whole world

watched us smiling

it was the last sunset

of my life.

 

we made love

till sunrise

 

everybody we knew

was dead and buried

so long ago.

 

like the dreams

we used to have

lke so long ago

when we were children

while the sky

was crying on us

when we were dancing

on the sea.

 

fire works were exploding

all over earth.

 

no one knew what was coming

as the world ended

in a million explosion.

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

ok everyone thank you for the responses and feedback. vry much appreciated. alll smiles from me amigos and amiga. also i submitted the remake n orignal post andi then took out original poem and placed it in reply to the post so others can see if i did better or not to improve said poem.

 

 

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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