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Poetry Magnum Opus

After the Rain


JoelJosol

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The downpour blurs the colors

outside the window pane,

 

you alone appear

like a torrent washing down my face.

 

I let you cling to me

as if to drench my shirt

 

but you leave me so soon,

the sky breaking out in blue

 

and here I am

still soaking from you.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

great use of metaphors. i enjoyed reading this. you need to put your poems into a book. i would buy it. you have a way with words. does it come out natural or do you ponder over what wods to use in some of your poems. mine is all natural. only a few poems did i work on for a few months.

 

larse

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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I agree with Victor, the rain/wetness metaphor works very well. I like how you carry it all the way through to its logical conclusion at the end of the poem: downpour>drenched shirt>aftermath.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thank you, Larsen and Tony.

 

Usually, Larsen, the image and the metaphor comes first which then dictates the diction. I write it as soonest it comes to mind. Then, revise it later if I or others like feedback from our community point out a weakness.

 

To borrow from Auden, I don't change the feeling or thought just the language chosen to say it.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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goldenlangur

Hi JoelJosol,

 

There's a strong erotic current in this poem and the images of the "downpour/torrent /soaking" all enhance this sensuality.

 

 

The only nit is the image of the "drenched shirt" - I find it a bit cliched. An alternative - "drenched sheet"? But I could be mistaken in my reading. Do ignore my remark as you see fit.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Hi GL. Thanks for the feedback, I have revised that part and will reflect it here.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Aleksandra

Wonderful metaphorical poem and very good usage of all metaphors and imageries. This poem works so well and the feelings comes one by another woven in a nice verses.

 

Much enjoyed Joel

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Happy to hear that, Aleksandra.

 

 

I tweaked the first couplet to provide clarity to "colors".

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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