Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

Against a Blue Sky


JoelJosol

Recommended Posts

------- Revision 2 ---------------

It has been a while

since I let go of words like a stone

shot against a blue sky.

 

It must have been hurtful,

to darken this sky so long,

and to keep pouring over me, gloom.

 

The stone returns and the sky is broken,

with its shards falling on my head.

 

------- Revision 1 ---------------

It has been a while

since I let go of words like a stone

shot against a blue sky.

 

It must have been hurtful,

to darken this sky so long,

and to keep pouring over me, gloom.

 

How I wish the sun would return

like my lover's scent and skin,

to cling on these arms.

 

Without golden sunsets,

the darkness descends again,

only this time, heavier, colder, blacker.

 

The stone returns and the sky is broken,

with its shards falling on my head.

 

-------- Original ---------------

It has been a while I know

since the last time I let go of words

like a stone shot against a blue sky.

 

It must have been hurtful

to darken this sky so long,

to keep pouring over me gloom.

 

I miss the sunshine like a woman's scent,

like her skin pressing against mine,

my arms full of her.

 

I do not see any more golden sunsets,

just darkness descending again, only heavier

like a curtain at the end of a stage play.

 

Please end this long line of one bad

weather after another.

Let me see once more a blue sky.

 

**** Hi guys. Glad to be back. I was sleeping when these lines flowed in my dreams. I woke myself up to write it down and share it here lest I forget it. I thought I will never write a poem again :-)

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And what a dream poem! Rapturous in its portrayal of 'Writer's block,' a contact from the Muse, no doubt @ all;-) REally lovely Joel, suggest 'me gloom' becomes 'my gloom' but otherwise a tasty re-introduction to writing poetry;-) DC&J

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, DC. I decided to revisit this draft, to cut down on the verbosity and create a cohesive theme.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to comment
Share on other sites

David W. Parsley

Nice cut and cohesion, Joel. Striking imagery and tone, danger on the precipice of thought.

 

- Dave

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like the revision. It's difficult to retain the essence of thoughts occurring somewhere between sleep and consciousness. Awareness usually creates a spin all of it's own yet those thoughts still remain personal and unique. Thanks for sharing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Guys, thanks for the read. Work has dulled my energy for writing. Need to psyche myself up.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Revised this poem. Sometimes poems are like adolescents. They have yet to figure out what they want to become :-)

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow Joel, It would be a crime if you stopped writing.... I so love seeing this poem's evolution. Thank you. It came a long way from the conversational style of the original to the masterfully crafted piece at the end. What I love most is you never lost the soul of the piece in the process of honing the craft. Thank you Thank you Thank you for sharing this.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tinker, thanks for the read and encouragement. I need to find time going to bookstores and get the inspiration and passion all over again :-)

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.