Suns

[eclipse]

Jesus leaves a wilderness with thoughts like fires
in the sun, he is a parasol that
prevents the devil's tears from tearing fibres
out of God's eye-patch the sun. The tears start
to mingle, weeping fire,beatific bawls,
blood falls from a man on a cross, a stone
is rolled from a cave entrance,a sun flails
against the vision of a father whose throne
created for a son cannot be attained.
To preempt God,Jesus whispers into a womb
and the kick inside cannot be contained
for him and the earth. A father's hands loom
over a planet and an unborn child they
are shaken by a lone Mother who prays.

[dcmarti1]

To preempt God...

 

Nice. That's theologically bold! And I don't believe I have seen the word beatific used, ever, in a poem! Enjoyed this piece.

[badger11]

You've been missed. For the originality of 'he is a parasol' and 'Jesus whispers into a womb'.

[Benjamin]

Good to see you here again. Your title's implication of sun/son works well: the poem is a maze of powerful and unusual imagery, “Weeping fire” “a sun flails” “devil's eye-patch the sun” and more. All of which challenge the reader to interpret them within a potent biblical theme. B.

[eclipse]

thanks everyone

[eclipse]

could David perhaps take a look at this?

[tonyv]

could David perhaps take a look at this?

 

I'm sure he will, Barry, but David seems to frequent the forum on weekends. Shoot him a pm, so he doesn't miss it.

[Tinker]

Wow another powerful sonnet. "to preempt God, Jesus whispers into a womb" what amazing imagery. I'm in awe.

~~Tink

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Barry, I always have something to suggest (some things just can't be helped), but this really is impressive. Highly original work in the mode of the French Symbolists (I know you have read them or their progenitors - someday you need to tell me which ones most influence you ;-). A large portion of your work could be used as a poster child for the notion that schools of composition are often closed before they have been exhausted of valuable material only those methods can produce - note to the critcs: stop doing that!

 

The imagery and turns of phrase are self-consistent, inventive, provokative, brilliant, and profound. The sun as an eye-patch! Jesus, a parasol! Fire that is wept! It is the symbolist's calling to not just summon such images, but to weave them into a self-reinventing canvass and say, "What if?" This creates startling scenarios that reveal the significance of reality as it actually unfolded. I commend and thank you for answering your calling.

 

Form: very nice. The deliberate modulation of the iambic base tightens the progression. The sonnet holds the immense theme well, thanks to your selective inclusions. I love especially the fresh rhyme pair in the early going, like the stirring "fires-fibres" match-up, each infusing its respective phrase with a borrowed depth from the other. Did I mention the power of the internal rhyme pair, "tears-tears"? Violent emotion happening in that cosmic crisis! Some of the later rhyme pairs are less original perhaps, but that is just Dave carping.

 

In my opinion, the first five lines are as good as anything that has ever been posted to this site. But for what follows, I must register a complaint: the movement is a little choppy in places. Consider all the phrases that start with or contain the word, "a" or "an" (I count three in the next line alone!). I recommend a pass through to deliberately see if these phrases can be made to flow together more smoothly, with greater drama, just by doing something that does not require "a."

 

Symbol strain alert: that sun is doing hard work as a patch (passive) and as a flailer (highly active) for the Father's vision. Just a thought, not settled on the question myself.

 

In summary: electrifying work, which could be perfected into a legacy piece, without too much further effort. In any case, a privilege to experience.

 

Thank You,

- Dave