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Poetry Magnum Opus

Erasure in sand


dcmarti1

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I dated your sister before
your family moved to Arkansas;
your hair was as long as hers,
so it would be you I'd date now.
I took your girlfriend
to the beach after you left.
The summer moon was low and orange,
and her breasts were no where
near as big as your sister's,
but in the silence that we contracted,
she held my hand tightly
as we were sure the waves
would erase the incriminating
evidence of our four feet,
even from far and absent eyes.

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A terrific movement of the heart. There is so much in these few lines, of showing, not saying. I am deeply impressed, for me it captures a time of deep innocence, combined with an untarnished understanding of the bigger truths, which the cynicism of experience washes away.

 

Loved it Marti!

 

Juris

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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Thank you, as always, for reading and commenting. 32 years ago, but I haven't seen any of them. Cynicism of experience, indeed.

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as we were sure the waves

would erase the incriminating

evidence of our four feet,

even from far and absent eyes.

 

An irony there for me, as if the external act can never erase the print inside.

 

I don't think you need L4 since the implication of your hair was as long as hers, is enough.

 

Connection through proxy!

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I read this as a clearing of the conscious or relishing trysts of the past. Excellent, and I think L4 is essential. The last four lines are a perfect ending.

Paco

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I don't think you need L4 since the implication of your hair was as long as hers, is enough.

 

 

 

HIS hair was as long as HIS sister's.....whom I dated. :)

 

I toyed with:

 

I dated HIS sister before

THE family moved to Arkansas.....

 

But I felt that made it more impersonal. :)

 

Thank you reading, AND the suggestion.....but as since the subliminally gay ref is there, methinks I needeth to keepeth.

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I read this as a clearing of the conscious or relishing trysts of the past. Excellent, and I think L4 is essential. The last four lines are a perfect ending.

Paco

 

More clearing the conscience.....the only tryst there was WALKING along the beach in Texas, with its brackish color but always white foam. Thanks for your time, as always.

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Thank you reading, AND the suggestion.....but as since the subliminally gay ref is there, methinks I needeth to keepeth.

 

That's ok Marti. I thought that message was clear in L3, more subtle, and didn't need the volume of L4. But clearly yourself and other readers hear different :smile:

 

all the best

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think Juris has this spot on. The mood for me has something of "The Last Picture Show" about it. Enjoyed. G.

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  • 4 weeks later...

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