Industry

[tonyv]

No cold or snow can choke it. Like a slug,
a hot hollow-point fixed upon a course
to make a mess of flesh, it lacks remorse
and empathy for pimps, who pitch and plug
its oily wares as chattel on a bourse;
and like that animal on ferrous wheels,
a locomotive on a tour de force,
when it derails, it neither thinks nor feels.

Odious smoke and endless tones abound.
These gears and pumps, once idle, are now strong,
greased, and primed for any job. Their sound,
to some cacophony, to others song,
will boost in sweetness and imbue with light
all that is acrid and immersed in night.

[Lake]

Tony,

 

This is a fine tuned Petrarchan sonnet (?). It is strong as it stands for the sound, rhyme, meter ( I didn't even count, I trust you, and as I read, it sounds like it ).

 

The subject matter is good. It is not easy to write something abstract poetic. But you accomplished it. I can feel industry's indifference to its surrounding and I am sure I need to read a couple of more times to enjoy it.

 

One minor ( I don't even know if it is a question), in this line:

 

Plentiful smoke and endless tones abound.

 

I would prefer "plentiful" be replaced by other adjectives for "plentiful" and "abound" have the similar meaning, they are repeating each other. Correct me, if I'm wrong.

 

Another great read.

 

Lake

[tonyv]

Thank you, Lake! I originally had the word odious in there in lieu of plentiful, but I hurriedly changed it, because I felt it was too telly. So, for now, until I think of something better, I will change it back to odious, because I would rather have telly than redundant. Again, thanks for your close read and input.

 

Tony

 

PS -- fixed a tense, too. Changed "was" to "is" in the last line. I'm afraid this one might be just another banal attempt to versify.

[Aleksandra]

W o w like one man says .

 

Tony I thought one of the last poems of yours ( you know which poem ), is something what you can't go more deep than in that one .

As you want and as you deserve, I am going to be hones with you now - as always.

This poem covers me with some bother feeling. Not because this poem is bad or something like that, but because this poem is not usual, and probably unique for industry ( ok at least I never read some other with this subject ). But ok thats ok, it is wonderful to write about something not so common .

 

Tony on this poem I look like on some exercise. And also sounds like an poem in prose. It is hard for reading, but I am sure it is hard for writing too. Maybe even harder to write than read, because it's possible to make the reader to skip some hard part, and not read it ( I did the first time when I read this poem, but ok then I read all of it, but the same feeling ) I don't like poems like this one, I read it only because you wrote , if this one was written by some more famous poet than you, as Wright, Pablo, Plath etc, I won't even look, I will skip right away after even first two stanzas . I am sorry for telling this, but I love Tony the Poet, not Tony the industrial

Tony I am surprised by your try in this hard and dangerous field, this poem doesn't looks like you.

I don't like this poem, but again I will say, the poem can be so quality even without my liking, right?

I can say that it is because of my ignorance in English language, and my weak and poor vocabulary, or because it is not on my taste, but I think it's not only that reason why I don't like this poem. Really makes you to wonder, what makes you to write poem like this? What was the inspiration for this poem? - Maybe those industrial photos, what always you look forward? Probably , because I know how much you want to make some connection between the gray and pink world, some connection between the essential and practical, between emotions and actions. With one word, connection between heart and mind ( ah I say this to make a little more poetical my comment )

I was surprise even when I learned that you are interested in many different photos, and when you shared with me, I was surprised that yes, there is some sense of why doing that.

 

I am sorry I took a little longer with this, but really if you can answer to me some of my questions it would be nice from you . Because if you could write poem like this, ah I am sure you can even answer on my questions

 

Tony, you did something wonderful with this not usual try. I am glad that I read this one, but I don't like, rather I will read your old poems, than this one And I must tell you, that I look forward to read some POEM from YOU , the poems what made me to love and adore you as a poet

 

Thank you for sharing this " poem " with us

 

Thanks for reading my boring comment

and I am sorry for my " rudeness "

 

Alekk

[tonyv]

Thank you, Alek, for your honest and detailed reply. I agree with you wholeheartedly: this is not good poetry. This is bad poetry. In fact, as you rightfully observe, this is not even poetry. It is more like bad prose in some kind of form. When I read this poem, I feel nothing. And I know you didn't like my poem Ukraina Hotel (I, myself, thought that one was pretty good ), but I guess deep down I knew and expected that you would prefer even that poem to this sorry attempt. (I knew I could get you to say you like Ukraina Hotel! ) And you are right ... Somehow I wanted to capture the essence of those industrial photos I shared with you, but a poem is not a photograph. Perhaps it is possible to capture an industrial photo and turn it into a poem, but in this case, I did not succeed.

 

You go on to say that perhaps a poem can be a quality work even if you yourself don't like it. Perhaps that can be true in a general sense when it comes to matters of taste, but that is definitely not the case here. I have always admired your ability to recognize good poetry, and your "eye for art" is spot-on here. You know it, and I know it -- this amounts to nothing more than an exercise, much like my poem Every Day, about which I would rather forget.

 

I wonder ... is it better to post something bad (like this) or nothing at all? Of course, the obvious answer is, that it's best to post something good. But outside of that, I guess something good can come out of something bad if the result is a good discussion, and there is something to be learned. In this case, there is a lot to be learned.

 

Before I wrote this poem, I was going to make a topic in general to tap into people's knowledge and experience. You mentioned some greats -- Wright, Neruda, Plath. I wonder ... Did they and the other greats ever write rubbish? Of course, we only see their world-class, published works. But did they ever write anything bad? What do you think? I dunno ...

 

Indebted to you,

 

Tony

[Bloodyday]

Hi Tonyv,

 

i read it thrice because some terms look very familiar for me and pushing me for the Deja Vu of renaissance time.

 

and like that animal on ferrous wheels,

a locomotive on a tour de force

 

 

 

in some parts you explained the force created from the old locomotives made of not-highly-polished-iron-ores and that's why it has the lack of efficiency.

The industry you have explained is in primitive and struggling to maintain it's flow of production.

 

 

............Their sound,

to some cacophony, to others song,

now boosts in sweetness and imbues with light

all that is acrid and immersed in night.

 

 

 

though in concluding part i expected some messages or the objective of this poem, in the same time i figure out this poet is not for sending the message.

 

it is written with the descriptions of some machine works in a poetic manner. then i again read it and i think this can make a sense of good expression of such an iron-made poem. or you can say these consist of some metallic verse and have some taste when you understand the sound of machines.

 

and as long as i know what poet writes in the page, he loses the right to judge it any longer. this part is kept for readers. it's hard to conquer every hearts since none is the same.

 

so let's the reader decide what you created!

 

At first read, it is quite alike boring, but after that, one should surprise for the style of creation!

 

 

carry on with your industry....friend

[Lake]

Interesting to read others' input.

 

Did they and the other greats ever write rubbish?

 

I'm sure they did.

 

Of course, we only see their world-class, published works.

 

Even among their published works, there are still some that are receiving critiques along with praises.

 

So don't feel bad for whatever you wrote, Tony. At least this one reads very nicely.

 

I'll post another one, afraid it is rubbish.

 

Cheers,

 

Lake

[tonyv]

though in concluding part i expected some messages or the objective of this poem, in the same time i figure out this poet is not for sending the message.

 

it is written with the descriptions of some machine works in a poetic manner. then i again read it and i think this can make a sense of good expression of such an iron-made poem. or you can say these consist of some metallic verse and have some taste when you understand the sound of machines.

 

and as long as i know what poet writes in the page, he loses the right to judge it any longer. this part is kept for readers. it's hard to conquer every hearts since none is the same.

 

so let's the reader decide what you created!

 

At first read, it is quite alike boring, but after that, one should surprise for the style of creation!

 

 

carry on with your industry....friend

 

 

Interesting to read others' input.

 

Did they and the other greats ever write rubbish?

 

I'm sure they did.

 

Of course, we only see their world-class, published works.

 

Even among their published works, there are still some that are receiving critiques along with praises.

 

So don't feel bad for whatever you wrote, Tony. At least this one reads very nicely.

 

I'll post another one, afraid it is rubbish.

 

Cheers,

 

Lake

 

Thank you, Rony and Lake, for looking for the good in this and for your encouraging words! Sometimes I give up easily, and I'm quick to scrap something when it elicits the first negative reaction, but I think, in this case, I almost expected one. This was probably because my heart wasn't in the poem as much as it usually is when I write one. Sure, I wanted to finish it for the sake of finishing it, but the subject matter, though interesting to me to some extent, did not afford the same level of emotional attachment upon which I usually rely when I write a poem. Still, I wonder if there's a "market" for this type of poem. I usually prefer lyric poetry, and I would be inclined, like Alek, to skip this poem if I came across it in some anthology, but does anyone actually prefer this type of verse? I will make some kind of topic in general about this.

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

Tony, ah what I can say after your replay on my comment? I was expecting something else some from your side but you responded to me on very kind way - thank you my Tony .

And you say that I didn't like the poem Ukraina Hotel , but actually yes I like that one ( more than this one now lol ) but even before, I start to like after your deep explanation .

 

And of course is better to send something bad than nothing. And every trying is better than a good poem in a lot of cases. Somebody is posting its tries and somebody is not. You are talking about: does the greats poets writes any rubbish poem. I am sure, they are even publishing.

 

But Tony you have good idea for the topic, so please make some, and there we can talk more about this

 

Thank you a lot for your lovely words, and never give up. One day can show up the real sense of some old structure of the poem.

 

Thank you and see you in the topic

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

This is a pleasant attempt to use traditional form to a contemporary object.

 

I felt you can make this even stronger Tony if you chose a specific machine to describe.

[tonyv]

Of course I'll respond to you in a kind way, Alek ... you're entitled to your wrong opinions! I will even make one minor edit on your favorite poem UKRAINA HOTEL today, because I want it to be perfect for you! But seriously, thank you always for your help and encouragement.

 

Tonyy

[tonyv]

Thank you, Joel! That is certainly worth a try. Describing a specific machine (or even a specific industrial photograph) is a great idea.

 

Tony