Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

On the beach


Lake

Recommended Posts

On the beach

 

Son, hold the streamer

tight and high

and listen to the tides

that fall and rise.

Beyond your reach,

mist blurred off the beach,

the ancestors,

are watching behind –

the moist breeze

caressing your plump face,

the cobblestones

teasing your tender feet.

All the footprints

surging waves efface;

another step forward

a start to begin again.

Son, beware of

the directions

of capricious winds

as the years flow by,

like the incessant sea, until

you’ve grown up, strong,

in an instant.

 

 

 

(Any suggestions to improve it? Thanks.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Larsen M. Callirhoe

interesting poem lake. i don't know if i catch its meaning though completely. this poem of yours is making me think very hard about the points your streeing in your pom. it was an enjoyably read.

 

larsen

Larsen M. Callirhoe

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Larson for your read and feedback.

 

I think usually my poems are quite easy to understand, in a sense, lack of depth. This one might be too cryptic to read? I've made a little edit to see if it sounds clearer.

 

Thanks as always.

 

Lake

Link to post
Share on other sites

Masterpiece!

 

 

 

 

To me, there is no requirement of upgrade!

 

truly masterpiece in the simplest form!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Aleksandra

Lake this is wonderful poem. I love it.

 

I love this part:

 

Son, beware of

the directions

of capricious winds

as the years flow by
,

 

It have some sad voice in this poem, what makes this poem powerful. The poem is written in wonderful way.

 

Well done lake.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Lake,

 

Sorry it took me so long to get to this poem. I started working on a reply yesterday, but I wasn't able to finish it until today.

 

First, let me say, that I like this poem. I like how you handle the passage of time, of generations, the circle of life. You use an admonishment --

Beware of

the directions

of capricious winds

as the years flow by,

-- followed up by a glance into the future, an assurance that "everything will be okay":

... until, you’ve grown up, strong,

in an instant.

As far as suggestions for improvement are concerned, I'm afraid that I can't offer much. Perhaps the poem could be condensed a bit, like this:

 

 

Son, hold the streamer

tight and high;

listen to the tide ...

 

Beyond your reach, mist-blurred,

the ancestors watch from behind;

 

a moist breeze

caresses your plump face,

and cobblestones

tease your tender feet;

 

all the footprints

surging waves efface ...

 

Son, beware the capricious winds

until you have grown up, strong,

in an instant.

 

 

I think the inversion you use in the part about the surging waves works well, but I could be misunderstanding the part about the mist. Forgive me, if I've butchered your poem. I like it, as it stands, very much. It evokes images of kite-flying by the shore.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Link to post
Share on other sites
Larsen M. Callirhoe

hi lake,

 

after reading everyone's comments i understand your poem much better. i think stanzas the way tony broke up the poem helped me to understand your poem much better also and more in depth. this is a really good poem. after thinking about it i understand it much better.

 

sorry bout the typos in my first response to you but i have an eye allergy and didn't have my glasses on because a screw fell out and one of the lenses would not stay in for that reason. after thinking about it i think i didn't read your poem properly the first time i read it because of blurry vision.

 

i like the mention of generations as passing tides and also the details about how the sand feels on the toes lol.

 

excellent poem now that i got my eye glasses back lol. sorry bout that confusion.

 

larsen aka victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

Link to post
Share on other sites

tonyv wrote:

 

Hi Lake,

 

Sorry it took me so long to get to this poem. I started working on a reply yesterday, but I wasn't able to finish it until today.

 

Tony, I always appreciate your effort in giving detailed reviews, which takes a lot of time and thinking.

 

tonyv wrote:

 

First, let me say, that I like this poem. I like how you handle the passage of time, of generations, the circle of life. You use an admonishment --
Beware of

the directions

of capricious winds

as the years flow by,

-- followed up by a glance into the future, an assurance that "everything will be okay":

... until, you’ve grown up, strong,

in an instant.

 

I'm not sure if it is a good thing to be "admonishing". When I wrote this, I kind of felt that way. Hope it is not too preaching.

 

tonyv wrote:

 

As far as suggestions for improvement are concerned, I'm afraid that I can't offer much. Perhaps the poem could be condensed a bit, like this:

 

 

Son, hold the streamer

tight and high;

listen to the tide ...

 

Beyond your reach, mist-blurred,

the ancestors watch from behind;

 

a moist breeze

caresses your plump face,

and cobblestones

tease your tender feet;

 

all the footprints

surging waves efface ...

 

Son, beware the capricious winds

until you have grown up, strong,

in an instant.

 

I really like how you pared down this piece, and have noticed all the changes. You're very sensitive to the form, structure. It looks like your revision has the form nicely spread out, I can't even add or delete anything, even though in the penultimate I still want to keep the meaning of "to start again". I know the one in my original sounds a bit awkward.

 

 

tonyv wrote:

 

I think the inversion you use in the part about the surging waves works well, but I could be misunderstanding the part about the mist. Forgive me, if I've butchered your poem. I like it, as it stands, very much. It evokes images of kite-flying by the shore.

 

Glad to know the inversion works. The mist part is used to describe the ancestors who are dimly seen in the backdrops.

 

It is always beneficial to see what others think other than the writer himself/herself. And as a matter of fact, it is usually easier for others to trim than the writer himself.

 

Good food for thought. I'll read it a couple of more times, and probably keep the two versions side by side for comparison.

 

Much appreciation, Tony!

 

Lake

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I thought I replied to you all. But no. My mind must be carried away.

 

Rony, Thanks for your words.

 

Alex, Glad you like that line.

 

Larsen, don't worry about the typo, I figured it out. Actually, I was kind of concerned about you. Now that knowing it is because of the glasses, I feel relieved.

 

Many thanks, everyone.

 

Lake

Link to post
Share on other sites

Lake wrote:

 

I'm not sure if it is a good thing to be "admonishing". When I wrote this, I kind of felt that way. Hope it is not too preaching.

Certainly not. Perhaps admonish is a too strong of a word -- I didn't look it up -- so if it has a negative connotation, I didn't mean it that way. I meant that the narrator cautions, or provides a "gentle warning."

Lake wrote:

 

The mist part is used to describe the ancestors who are dimly seen in the backdrops.

I did get that part, but I wanted to be sure.

 

Tony icon_smile.gif

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.