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Using a Welsh form - and saying hello


FeelingOurWay

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FeelingOurWay

Hello to All

This is my first posting and I would welcome your thoughts and feedback please

I am using an old Welsh form here to see if I could it to say something within the form that might have some appeal. I usually write free verse, on a range of themes; illness, creativity, the nature of relationships under strain, living with a neurological condition. So this poem developed, over time, as I realised what might be possible, once the rhymes had implied something to me.

 

Here are the drafts and the last but not necessarily final version.

 

 

Llwyth dyn ei gorwgl the load of a man is his coracle.'

 

The form is a cyrch a cywta but with a slight twist.

 

Coracle first draft

 

A set-square could test the frame

But not be the thing we blame;

Love in action? Love in name?

Twisted wood, still green to tame.

Shape your coracle, launch it;

Buoyed up, love floats; same old game.

Master the adze, the hides, the knife;

As in life, tools say the same.

 

 

Coracle B

Twisted wood, still green to tame.

A set-square could test the frame.

Spot on. If not, then blame.

Launch it; low in the water, love floats.

We'd row and row; old gloats game.

Master the adze, cords, hides and knife;

As in life, tools stay the same.

 

 

Coral C

Twisted wood, still green to tame.

A set-square could test the frame.

Spot on. If not, then blame.

Launch it; low in the water, love floats.

We'd row and row; old game gloats.

Master the adze, cords, hides and knife;

As in life, tools stay (say) the same.

 

 

Your thoughts and responses please

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First, welcome! Thanks for joining.

 

Second, I like version B the best: just my opinion.

 

Third, and of no real importance probably, my fave Welsh form is the englyn penfyr, thanks to THIS site and it's great set of pages on forms.

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FeelingOurWay

Thanks dcmarti1!

I wasnt sure about the gloats goats thing!

Or whether it should be tools saying or staying the same. Somehow the meaning changes. I first thought it should be saying the same.

 

Its strange how poems evolve or emerge...... With free verse they flow and I usually write using free verse, but ive always wanted to try the forms here. Ill try your suggestion of the englyn penfyr.......

 

Itll be interesting to see what others think.

 

Thanks for your comments.

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Hi and Welcome again.

 

I like seeing the progression of your poem and definitely think leading with "Twisted wood, still green to tame" is your stronger opener.

 

Unlike Marti, my preference is the last version "game gloats" sounds better to my ear although the stay / say thing has to be resolveD It needs to be one or the other and the more surprising as well as clarifying word to use is "say". Of course this is just my perspective.

 

As far as form cyrch a chwta is concerned, the content always comes first and the frame used to deliver should enhance the message I think in this case it does, it fits. It has a solid old world feel which I like. The 6 line mono rhyme is changed up a bit but it works and still keeps the flavor of the ancient form.

 

~~ Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hello and welcome.

The way we present our poetic ideas is a discerning factor of how they are perceived by the reader. The more concise the form the greater the focus on a single crucial word. I also prefer your second version... but if the form allows.. without punctuation or capitals. I agree with marti, this site has great pages of many forms to study thanks to Tink.

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FeelingOurWay

Thanks Benjamin for your feedback. Very interesting you should refer to the punctuation; in the Welsh you would probably not need to exploit it but in English I felt it was a strong way to get that compaction you refered to. Im going to see what happens with version three with the tools 'saying' idea and see if the punctuation could be pared down further.

I would usually write in free verse, but having found the forms there was curious to see how they might work in English, with a contemporary twist.

Do you have a favourite form? What acts as the catalyst for you for a poem?

For me, with Coracle, it was whether I could somehow signal the instability of the homemade coracle could in fact float, poetically.

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I've experimented with poetic expression over many years: My preference for longer poems is syllabic technique, which does not-- in English-- convey a metrical rhythm; rather it is a compositional device: primarily of importance to the author, perhaps noticed by the alert reader, and imperceptible to the hearer. I do enjoy short poems, sonnet forms and rhymed pieces. I particularly like the Pushkin Onegin Stanza. There are so many diverse forms to consider; but I believe the main thing is to choose what you want to say-- in what context, and how it is poetically effective to say it. I have many life long interests to draw from and spill words upon, but tend to paddle away from the egocentric, my coracle would probably sink. :biggrin:

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I too, prefer the last rewrite and love the phrase 'say' rather than stay, it emotes so much more! Welcome to the forum, providing feedback when able encourages me to comment -- although if I have no resonance with the authors piece I usually avoid comment -- and sometimes I just get buzy/lazy/overwhelmed creating a huge reduction on productive critique;-)

 

Dr. Con

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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FeelingOurWay

Thank you for commenting, Dr Con.

I am enjoying all these responses and giving me a whole new sense of who an audience can be.Isn't Technology marvellous?

I am slowly exploring the site and all its riches.

Again, my question is this: what acts as the creative itch for you? Are there things you regularly write about, or things you seldom do? Do you look for conections across your work (I know i do with mine) and for me, productive critique is just that - like a productive cough, it makes me respond! Theres one on its way to Tink about a certain Mr Jones, who many years ago, had an influence on this site.....Lol!

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