eclipse Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 One human life, a tear falling from Ventriloquist earth, the stuttering Breath of solipsism chuntering About war. A whale screams In the ocean, a tear that briefly Belongs to death, time his hand puppet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Hi Barry, very original as always, and strange. Other. It feels refreshingly crafted, and could still use more. Try to eliminate as many 'a's and 'the's as you can. The repeated "tear" can work, but may benefit from acknowledging and even justifying the repetition. For example: ` like all tears, briefly belonging to death ` another such tear etc. Nice, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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