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a Love Song (Cubist)


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a ____Song

_Love

 

http://www.virtualdali.com/23CubistSelfPortrait.html

 

 

I cross the street

dodge the car

because of you

 

Without that

or this, my bones

would crumble

as I climbed

from bed

more a drum

than a violin

 

and I would have died

not come back

pretending the story

hasn't changed

 

Without your promise

I would be content

with answers

we wouldn't grovel

before the Mystery

and I would chase

my food, lounge

in long afternoons

full of pride

laugh at the wrong moments

rage from fear not insight

 

there would never be a good reason

to goodbye or hello

 

nothing to greet

nothing to greet

 

Just the absence

of the forever presence

here or there

 

empty, empty

waiting to be filled

empty, empty

waiting to be filled

 

because of you.

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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Aleksandra

Dr.Con. I loved the painting which is also same as your avatar. Is that inspiration for this poem?

This poem, flows with unusual sad expressions. I love the way how the feelings in this poem are expressed.

and I would have died

not come back

pretending the story

hasn't changed

 

Here you say something very reasonable and truthful, with what I totally agree with you, in the context of your poem:

there would never be a good reason

to goodbye or hello

 

The poem is finishing in some silently way, but the repetition gives some inner screaming, what sounds to me as a crown on this poem.

 

Thank you for sharing, much enjoying.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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dr.con, i loved reading this poem. it has a very creative abstracted feel and structure and i enjoyed the emotional montage that you so deftly created.

 

 

"Without your promise

I would be content

with answers

we wouldn't grovel

before the Mystery

and I would chase

my food, lounge

in long afternoons

full of pride

laugh at the wrong moments

rage from fear not insight"

 

i particularly enjoyed this stanza, which i consider to be the spine and essence of the poem.

 

your use of repetition is particulary successful and evocative.

 

well written and enjoyable!

 

doug

icon_surprised.gif

To receive love, you have to give it...

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What a lyrical masterpiece! As for the form, the line lengths, line breaks, and the poem's overall appearance on the page/screen are pleasing. The capitalization and punctuation are right there: the former, you use stylistically, at logical places like at the beginnings of syntactical units (when necessary and expected) and for the first person pronoun; the latter, you employ in a minimalist, appropriate fashion within lines and at the end of the poem. Your use of repetition augments the poem's already delightful musicality and enhances its overall flow.

 

The poem has a playful, accusatory tone which is omnipresent, and it demonstrates the narrator's fondness of his beloved.

I cross the street

dodge the car

because of you

The car, not a car, connotes a sense of protraction, an "ongoingness" so to speak, as if the speaker is constantly finding himself in similar situations. The next verse corroborates that expectation:

Without that

or this, my bones

would crumble

as I climbed

from bed

more a drum

than a violin

 

and I would have died

not come back

pretending the story

hasn't changed

The sense of faulting which the reader detected in the first stanza continues, and the drum/violin image is lovely.

 

In the next verse, you capitalize Mystery. Somehow, this suggests a sense of the metaphysical, almost like the narrator is saying, "I could die, so long as I am with you, and it would be okay." Grovel is a great word, and pride, along with the mention of chasing food and "lounging" in long afternoons evokes images of lions.

 

I love how you use goodbye and hello as verbs followed by nothing to greet/nothing to greet. Then, at precisely the right moment, you introduce a long-awaited touch of the erotic --

empty, empty

waiting to be filled

empty, empty

waiting to be filled

The end imparts a sense of relief: the undercurrent of blame is still there, and it seems to impart a feeling of "all is right in the world." Thank you for honoring my request by sharing this poem, which is very much to my taste and, IMHO, of publication grade.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

i emjoyed reading this. as aleksandra says it really flows. i really love the beginning of this stanza.

 

a ____Song

_Love

 

http://www.virtualdali.com/23CubistSelfPortrait.html

 

 

I cross the street

dodge the car

because of you

 

Without that

or this, my bones

would crumble

as I climbed

from bed

more a drum

than a violin

 

and I would have died

not come back

pretending the story

hasn't changed

 

Without your promise

I would be content

with answers

we wouldn't grovel

before the Mystery

and I would chase

my food, lounge

in long afternoons

full of pride

laugh at the wrong moments

rage from fear not insight

 

this stanza makes this a great poem in my opinion. nicely done dr. con.

 

larsen aka vic

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Many Thanks, Tony, Larsen, Aleks! The cubist love song was inspired by trying to break the trope of a love song into its most basic elements, which led me to thinking about cubism and the shift in perception it caused- Found the Dali self portrait, and thought it exemplified what I was trying to achieve, and would make a fine self reflective avatar icon_lol.gif

 

Appreciate the commentary and feedback!

 

Much Grace all!

 

DC

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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dr_con ,

 

Glad to see you here.

 

All is said by others. I just wanted to add, upon reading the title - a Love Song, I was thinking "Let's see if there's anything new in this theme". Then the poem proved to be exceptionally different than most love poems. What a success!

 

The lines are shot, different than your other poems as I recall, and have a very nice flow.

 

There's one thing I'm hesitant to say is the word "cubist" on the title line, which I understand gives some hint to the reader, but on the other hand I wonder would it be more mysterious if it appears somewhere in the poem. Oh, no, don't do this to me, I'll be confused. icon_redface.gif Just ignore my rambling.

 

Great read.

 

Lake

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