Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

Beeston 2


eclipse

Recommended Posts

The night offers me a bouquet of moons,

my night time walks along the canal. Clouds
above are like tourists, will the reach the Maltings?-canal
waters sing of journeys they have missed.
Evening shadows offer a selection of poses as
the sun rises over the Wednesday market with its
collection of muses ready to inspire browsers.
 
I left a tear on the train track, an empty glass on the
hotel bar, eventually the light will reach haughty eyes from
the Beeston star. I placed a flower on the Crimean memorial,
a bee landed, ghosts of soldiers left after being fed by paradise,
relatives will track their ancient ties and pray in Saint John the
Baptists' church-the wind outside is wearing the uniform of war
walking across graves, there is at least one soldier the uniform
Fits who shaves memories when a prayer passes through him
followed by the eternally recurring bullet returning to its gun,
fires of war echo in the sun. moon the oars man saves drowning
spirits, their heartbeats echo in the final footsteps of the wind. 
 
 
Street signs ask me for directions to visit lost residents. Beeston
stories have been told creating gold for a ring ready to make Beeston's
hand gleam. I dream about a hand guiding clouds that rain silver on
gardens and hives full of silver. Van Der Valk finds his own shining
fingerprints on a gold band. Memories are like rain as it falls onto
clouds reflected on the marina, fleeting rapid eye movements keep
dreams afloat as visions of the day are replayed. In a dream a train stops
before a tear, the moon takes the water with its many reflections and 
places it in a glass with a flower. 
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Barry,  Since you offer a revision, I am assuming you are open to feedback. 

L3 typo  "will they reach" and since I don't know the area pass or reach both work for me.  What I found awkward in both poems was "-canal" at the end of the line.  I stumbled both versions even when I knew it was coming.  From a reader's perspective, it would be much smoother if you lead the next line with canal and removed It from the end of L3.  Just my opinion. 

I loved this addition to the end of the 2nd strophe.  I felt these words, they have power. Good edit.
"followed by the eternally recurring bullet returning to its gun,
fires of war echo in the sun. moon the oars man saves drowning
spirits, their heartbeats echo in the final footsteps of the wind.
"

These added lines seem to sum up the poem better than where you left off before.   
                                                          Memories are like rain as it falls onto
clouds reflected on the marina, fleeting rapid eye movements keep
dreams afloat as visions of the day are replayed. In a dream a train stops
before a tear, the moon takes the water with its many reflections and
places it in a glass with a flower. 


All in all a good revision.  I really like this poem and the revision sealed it, in my opinion one of your best.

~~ Tink

 

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.