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Winter Garden


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Winter Garden (revision}

In winter darkness blooms of white
crocus mock, in pure merriment,
the bleak and cold landscape. A pilot of trust in the night.

With saffron stigma, testament
of their value beyond the sight
of beauty in blight, they offer their grace in sacrament.
                                            ~~Judi Van Gorder 

Winter Garden

In winter darkness blooms of white
crocus mock, in pure merriment,
the bleak and cold landscape. A pilot of light in the night.

With saffron stigma, testament
of her value beyond the sight
of beauty in blight, she offers her grace in sacrament. 
                             ~~Judi Van Gorder

Notes:

 

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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A rather different, yet somewhat welcome take on winter. I love winter imagery, but for me it's always desolation from which there is no way home.

Tony :mellow:

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Light, stigmata, testament.

And rhyme scheme.

Good stuff, Maynard!  😉

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Thank you all.  It has been super busy lately but I still try to write an occasional poem.  Crocus are the only flowers in my garden right now.  I wrote it looking out my window.  

MP welcome back. It has been awhile.   

~~Judi

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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misterpoet
16 hours ago, Tinker said:


MP welcome back. It has been awhile.   

~~Judi

yes. it's been a few years lol and thank you 😊

misterpoet

 

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Hey @misterpoet, why'd you hide your Lady Antebellum poem?!? Did you mean to do that?

Lots of members have hidden poems. I din't realize that once they're hidden, the members who hid them can't see them; I figured the members who hid the poems could still see them and unhide them. I learned recently that it's not the case and am looking for a workaround. In the meantime, I might have to make a list off all the hidden topics so their respective authors can tell me if they want them unhidden.

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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5 minutes ago, misterpoet said:

I hid it because no one commented lol I figured it was too long 

John, you have to give people time to comment. I often don't get to comments until the weekend(s). Sometimes I go even a little longer!

Would it be okay if I unhide it? Then I would get to it as soon as I can, probably even over the course of this weekend ...

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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misterpoet
45 minutes ago, tonyv said:

John, you have to give people time to comment. I often don't get to comments until the weekend(s). Sometimes I go even a little longer!

Would it be okay if I unhide it? Then I would get to it as soon as I can, probably even over the course of this weekend ...

yes you can unhide it if you want 😊 and thank you 

misterpoet

 

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There is a really nice delicate, evocative quality to this. I get the strong feeling of the contrast between crocuses as humble beacons of beauty and the otherwise desolate landscape. Such scenes always conjure a very special mood in me! And wow, your crocuses are blooming now?! That isn't happening where I live!

On a horticulturally technical note, I do believe that crocuses have just one bloom per plant. You refer to "blooms" (plural) in the first stanza, but then "her" (singular) in the second. You could achieve greater clarity by choosing either a singular or a plural reference, or making the transition from plural to singular from the first to second stanza explicit. 

The form is quite nice and I read its description in Form of the Week. You match your subject to it well. It looks like internal rhyme is not a requirement of this form, though, and I'd suggest that your poem would be better without it. "Light in the night" and "sight of beauty in blight" both wind up sounding silly to me because of these added rhymes, and I'm sure that's not your intent. To me, this effect conjures a rapper trying to squeeze as many rhymes as possible into a phrase--it's more quaint than effective.

I do love the sound of "crocus" with "mock." You get a lot of mileage out of just those two words!

I found L3's meter to be bumpy.

I like the concept behind "pilot of light in the night" and think it would work beautifully if you could revise this phrase to remove the internal rhyme.

I also really like the church imagery in S2 and find it very effective. In the company of "testament," "grace," and "sacrament," "stigma" conjures "stigmata," too--an interesting association, given that crocuses, like saints, maintain their steadfastness in the face of hardship.

I love the feel of "value beyond the sight..." and think it would come off marvelously if you just reworked the modifier that follows to remove "blight."

Your ending is sweet and pure; I enjoy the trisyllabic rhyme, which is not easy to pull of convincingly. You did it here; both of these words arise very naturally, the more so for their bond by way of the Christian association in the first and the direct Christian reference in the second.

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AB, Thank you for pointing out the plurality in the first stanza.  I do like the feminine her but it worked better for me to change the 2nd stanza rather than the first in that regard.   I know I had a lot of "ight" rhyme and actually was having fun with it while questioning whether or not it was over the top.   Taking baby steps, I did change light in the first stanza.  I'm not ready yet to banish blight.    I'll have to sit on it a while. 

~~Judi

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Tinker, it sounds so much better even with that one "ight" removal. And believe me, I've been there with the gratuitous rhyming! I agree, I like the "her" but like you, I couldn't figure out a way to have it all. By the way, what did you actually mean by "their value beyond the sight of beauty in blight?" Are you talking about literal saffron crocuses here? Or when you said "saffron," did you just mean it in the sense of that color of yellow-orange? If so, what is that additional value of the crocuses?

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58 minutes ago, A. Baez said:

Tinker, it sounds so much better even with that one "ight" removal.

Thanks,  I agree it just took stepping away.

 

59 minutes ago, A. Baez said:

Are you talking about literal saffron crocuses here?

Yes, although I know not all crocus produce the spice.  And I have no idea if my white ones do, but they do have the yellow stigma and it makes me think they might.

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hmm, well, apparently saffron crocus are fall-blooming, so maybe you're right (if yours are a bit behind schedule)! However, all crocuses have yellow stigmas, not just the saffron ones. These aren't cultivated nearly as much as the other crocus varieties, but they are available commercially to gardeners, and while the most common colors seem to be shades of purple and pink, it seems they're available in white as well. Hey, I learned something! 😁

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