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Anglesey birds in mystery mass death


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revision3


She wakes for dusting stuff -
owls and cats and frogs,
a joy of bric-a-brac.
And later some chit-chat -
pegging the washing line
with startling semaphore.

Once bravado flourished
a bucket list of gliders,
balloons, parachute jumps -
any harum-scarum flight.
The murmuration deaths
were the end of all that.

A sunny wet road, they said.
She wakes in a cul-de-sac.

 

 

 

========================================

revision2

She wakes for dusting stuff -
owls and cats and frogs,
a joy of bric-a-brac.
And later some chit-chat -
pegging the washing line,
her semaphore for the starlings.

Once bravado boasted
a bucket list of flight:
gliders, balloons, and perhaps
a parachute jump.
The murmuration deaths
were the end of all that.

A sunny wet road, they said.
She lives in a cul-de-sac.

 

======================================

revision

She wakes for dusting stuff -
owls and cats and frogs,
a joy of bric-a-brac.
And later some chit-chat -
pegging the washing line,
her semaphore for the starlings.

But once her lips boasted
as red as a robin's breast.
Pride spat the roll of dice -
a parachute jump.
The murmuration deaths
were the end of all that.

A sunny wet road, they said.
She irons a cul-de-sac.

 

original

She wakes for dusting stuff -
owls and cats and frogs,
lifeless bric-a-brac.
Or a chat of washing line
semaphore with starlings.
She irons her dying days.

But once her lips boasted
as red as a Robin's breast.
Life spat the roll of dice -
a parachute jump -
but a murmuration
was the end of all that.

Welsh News

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I get more from this than just this unexplained animal event:

... Or a chat of washing line
semaphore with starlings.
She irons her dying days ...

"Semaphore" is such a great word. And for some reason the "roll of dice" just makes it real. It introduces the human element.

Nice work, Phil.

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thanks Tony. I've been a little dry on writing new poems and this effort fulfills my ambition of 1 to 2 per month!😀

best

Phil

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What an interesting news article that you linked! However, even with that link, and more so without it, I struggled to connect the poem with its title. What is actually going on here? (I.e., how might you answer this question more clearly for readers?) I found my mind needing to shift into left hemisphere a lot to try to decode all the abstractions and oblique references. Confusion aside, this poem has some interesting elements: I like the play of "bric-a-brac" and "chit-chat" in your revision, and clothespins acting as a semaphore for starlings is certainly a novel concept (though somewhat obscure as well). "Robin" doesn't need to be capitalized. The ending couplet certainly sounds momentous; I just need more of a mental anchor in order to process it in whatever way you intended it to be.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Badge,  I love watching and studying the evolution of your work.  Revision 3, is tight and clear gets my vote EXCEPT, I hated losing the word "starlings".  "startling" is a very subtle change and I get it but, that literal side of me needed the word.  It totally connects me to the title which is the core of the piece so well played out in the body.   I wonder if you left the syntax but removed the "t" ?  It is a risk but so was switching words.  Do I make sense here?    This poem touches something in me, I've seen it played out so many times. 

~~Judi

 

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Quote

I hated losing the word "starlings".  "startling" is a very subtle change and I get it but, that literal side of me needed the word.  It totally connects me to the title which is the core of the piece so well played out in the body.

Good point Judi. I was trying to avoid the washing line semaphore cliche, but a more literal line may be justified.

best

Phil

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I agree with Tink. All versions are to me an example of a master fully engaged in his craft. The surgical precision of your decisions, the confidence of execution -- You may have slowed down, but your work just keeps getting better and better.

Many Thanks!

 

J

Gate(less.thumb.png.dc23b19d2478d37a9f6fcdc563973026.pnghttps://conjurd.substack.com/welcome Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-)

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Why do I think the pace of her life slowed down a long time before the murmuration deaths??? That's the question which remains in my mind, and I like it.

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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