JoelJosol Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 ---- revised ---- The sun was low in the sky when I waved good-bye. The pine trees had sliced the light, every one that fell on your face, passing through the breeze, into my eyes looking brave, as I descended on this road- shadows and road wind as one in these mountains. The steep decline tested my resolve as I looked back at you, the sun gone. And all we have between us remain obscured, those parts of you and me unenlightened. ---- original ---- The sun was low in the sky when I waved good-bye the pine trees had sliced the rays, every one that fell on your face. The branches squinted as they let the light, pass the cool breeze, into my eyes. I thought it manly to appear brave, descending on this winding road, into the dark shadows between these mountains. The steep decline tested my resolve as I looked back at you with the sun gone. And all we have between us are shadows where a part of you and I remain hidden. I've been away, out of town, and up in the mountain range North of Manila. I will be back again next week. The visit inspired this poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 rich imagries loved it my friend. vic aka larsen Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 Thank you, Vic. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Joel, you take some exquisite nature imagery and alluringly add in the human equation. The first couplet establishes a subtle tension which keeps on until the very end where it doesn't quite resolve yet leaves the reader with some sense of peace: And all we have between us are shadows where a part of you and I remain hidden. I'm glad you provided some background information. Thanks for that! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 hi joel again, just wanted to say i have reread this one several times over the course of the day. this is one of the best poems imagery wise i have ever read. the alliteration and metaohors are very inspiring. i understand this one on a few levels depending how you look at the imagries and decide what the metaphors mean to me as an individual. this one most defenitely works for me so i app[laid you. excellent poem. "I thought it manly to appear brave/" the metaphor is rich in alliteration here. "And all we have between us are shadows" "where a part of you and I remain hidden." perfect ending and so true. you capture the mutual feelings and thoughts as if they are disguised in the shadows. vic Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 Need to do some tweaking, to take out some kinks. The word 'shadows' has appeared several times so I have to replace it with something similar but still has a play on the idea of what shadows do. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Wonderful job Joel. Interesting revision definitely. With " shadows "you did nice job. I like the second version too. I love the imagery of your poem. the poem has the sound of longing. I love when the poems comes this way. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.