dr_con Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 The technical details of inserting oneself into the dayCon/Jur/d 6/22/2020 In comparison to - the buzz of Housefly, uncaring of his domestic rank, bathing in daybreak’s chanted sonic vibration, his heliotropic drive to escape into the light, to thrive to multiply in long rise and fall in a brief- brief life frustrated by happenstance, soon after-egg, attracted by the 8’000 illuminations of crosshatched fields stainless steel heavens above a radiant silica earth below, a desert world isolated by opaque plastic horizons; resonates without ever asking, “What is this?” - our news of the self, causes a rude and rough awakening. 1 Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 Juris, this has so much good in it! The title tantalizes. The shape intrigues. I like the capitalization of "Housefly," as if it were a character in an Aesop's fable. Quote uncaring of his domestic rank Nice! Quote daybreak’s chanted sonic vibration More nice! Quote his heliotropic drive to escape into the light How interesting to describe an animal, rather than a plant, as heliotropic. "Escape into the light"--vivid! Quote the 8’000 illuminations of crosshatched fields I assume this refers to flowers in fields as seen by flies? Not "8,000"? Quote stainless steel heavens above Quote a radiant silica earth below Quote a desert world isolated by opaque plastic horizons What cool images! You seem to have an uncanny ability to imagine the world through a fly's eyes! But I lost the train of your sentence beginning "In comparison to--." In comparison to the buzz of Housefly, etc., what? "Resonates without ever asking..."? Your ending sounds important but I'm not sure what it's driving at! Much enjoyed overall nonetheless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted June 23, 2020 Author Share Posted June 23, 2020 TY. Glad you read deep and had fun- OK so 8'000 is a reference to the 4'000 lenses they have per eye;-) I thought my reintroduction of punctuation might clear up some of my 'obscure' over the head BS.- Before I answer Have you read it outloud? Think that my clarify the opening comparison. LMK. Many Thanks for the deep read! J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 Hi Juris, As always, the angles you write focus the perspectives. Amusing, that the fly experience is unweighted by human concerns, gets on with living nature's impulses, whereas we are outward polluting, inward scarring...our news of the self a realisation of the damage. That's what I read anyway! all the best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted June 24, 2020 Author Share Posted June 24, 2020 TY Badge and spot on;-) IMO, but what do I know? Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 A remarkably pleasing read, Juris, which presents with the resonance of Larkin's "High Windows" (caution: explicit). I know it's a lazy way, but I work best with examples, and when I liken a member's poem to a favorite poet's work(s), I mean it as a highest compliment. Of course, our members here are all among my favorite poets! Tony 😊 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted June 25, 2020 Author Share Posted June 25, 2020 Tony, Obviously being compared to Larkin isn't lazy rather deeply flattering;-) 1 Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Quote OK so 8'000 is a reference to the 4'000 lenses they have per eye;-) Okay; that leaves my question, why not "8,000"? Quote I thought my reintroduction of punctuation might clear up some of my 'obscure' over the head BS. It helps greatly! I'm awed that you have considered this a worthwhile effort and that you admit to the presence of a certain degree of obscurity in some of your previous works--and, to top it off, that you even term said obscurity "BS"!! 😆 Now there are just a few places where commas would technically be called for but are not present (e.g., after "thrive" in "to thrive/to multiply.") And I'd submit that no comma is needed after "self" in the last stanza. Quote Before I answer Have you read it outloud? Think that my clarify the opening comparison. LMK. I just did, although that's not what made my light bulb go on just now...visually scanning the poem as a whole, I finally saw that the phrase at the beginning before the first dash continues after the second dash, close to the end. Needless to say, there is a lot in between those two dashes that could make a reader lose the connection, which is what happened to me. But I'm thrilled to see that the connection is there! 🥳 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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