Home (a Goodbye to Wanderlust)

[tonyv]

     Home (a Goodbye to Wanderlust)
                                          --for Lexi

A decade gone--no going back to when
my craze was a far cry from summers' climb.
Now, frozen afternoons cannot contrive
to be enough; I'm thinking, all the time, 
about you. Hold my hand! Let's be alive!
And I won't hear that siren song again.

[badger11]

hi Tony

I see a vein of hand anchorage in the poem! I was going to suggest shortening the title to Goodbye to Wanderlust, but on reflection Home is a key need in this and the title has the right measured pitch - how many goodbyes have there been😀. Agree, being alive is not seeking ideals, lost in internalised landscapes, and yes these are often a youthful craze (especially like the sonics in L2 by the way). Of course, and being human, there's always a worm in wisdom despite the assertion otherwise.

enjoyed

Phil

[tonyv]

Thanks, Phil, for taking a look and for the kind remarks.

5 hours ago, badger11 said:

I see a vein of hand anchorage in the poem!

Yes, that theme seems to have surfaced on the forum a few times lately. 😄

5 hours ago, badger11 said:

I was going to suggest shortening the title to Goodbye to Wanderlust, but on reflection Home is a key need in this and the title has the right measured pitch

My first working title was just "Wanderlust," but as the poem took shape, being short and all, I could see the title needed to work harder to help with context and the direction the poem was taking. I like what you've said about it having the right measured pitch. Together with the dedication (also doing double-duty re context and pitch) it's almost like an additional line for the poem.

5 hours ago, badger11 said:

how many goodbyes have there been

Perhaps, too many. What's that "definition" of insanity, doing the same thing over and over each time expecting a different result? 🤣

5 hours ago, badger11 said:

Agree, being alive is not seeking ideals ... and being human, there's always a worm in wisdom despite the assertion otherwise.

How well-expressed -- thank you for that one!

5 hours ago, badger11 said:

especially like the sonics in L2 by the way

I like that one, too!

With appreciation,

Tony

[A. Baez]

I'll be darned, there's that Lexi again! Last I knew she was just your friend. 🤣

I found

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my craze was a far cry from summers' climb.

to be unduly abstract (seemingly three abstractions in one line, and "far cry" is rather cliché) and I tripped considerably over the meter here with its initial iamb followed by a pyrrhic and a spondee, at least by my reading:

my CRAZE/was a/FAR CRY/from SUM/mers' CLIMB

What craze? What climb? Why summers'? The climb sounds like it could be rather a craze in itself--like rockclimbers', while in contrast, "summer" as a metaphor typically connotes ease. Perhaps you are meaning to make a finer distinction here--that there are climbs, and then there are climbs?

This line is followed by

Quote

Now, frozen afternoons cannot contrive
to be enough

which has a lovely lyricism, evocative to me of the language of classic English romance novels. However, I'm not sure if "frozen afternoons" is also an abstraction or not. Technically, in terms of temperature, it must also be a "far cry from summers' climb," no?

Quote

to be enough; I'm thinking, all the time, 
about you. Hold my hand! Let's be alive!
And I won't hear that siren song again.

The following lines are direct, immediate, and appealing, with interesting overtones--recast in brighter notes--of your previous "Siren" poem. But by the last line, I'm finding myself wishing for more cohesion in all the poem's imagery. Particularly, you allude to "that siren's song" in the end, and it would seem natural, since you refer to it as though it is something that you've already mentioned, to carve this motif out more explicitly in the first two lines. This way, the poem would all tie neatly together, end to beginning, and this could be a way of sidestepping the confusion that I felt in the second line.

[tonyv]

14 hours ago, A. Baez said:

I'll be darned, there's that Lexi again! Last I knew she was just your friend. 🤣

Yes, and here I am now plying her with abstractions and cliches in an effort to get her to hold hands! I've given it the old college try, and I remain hopeful that this strategy will work. 😅

14 hours ago, A. Baez said:

"far cry" is rather cliché

Guilty. I do apply a cliche from time-to-time.

14 hours ago, A. Baez said:

I tripped considerably over the meter here with its initial iamb followed by a pyrrhic and a spondee, at least by my reading:

my CRAZE/was a/FAR CRY/from SUM/mers' CLIMB

Your scansion is one hundred percent correct, but I haven't been tripped up by it yet. We'll have to practice reading this one together to get the flow. 😉

14 hours ago, A. Baez said:

Quote

Now, frozen afternoons cannot contrive
to be enough

... has a lovely lyricism, evocative to me of the language of classic English romance novels. However, I'm not sure if "frozen afternoons" is also an abstraction or not. Technically, in terms of temperature, it must also be a "far cry from summers' climb," no?

Thank you, and yes, it is a far cry from summers' climb. My "craze" (one of them anyway) was winter's frigid desolation (I've always preferred winter imagery over that of other seasons), and "now" even transporting to those frozen afternoons won't stop me from obsessing over the love interest.

14 hours ago, A. Baez said:

Quote

to be enough; I'm thinking, all the time, 
about you. Hold my hand! Let's be alive!
And I won't hear that siren song again.

The following lines are direct, immediate, and appealing, with interesting overtones--recast in brighter notes--of your previous "Siren" poem. But by the last line, I'm finding myself wishing for more cohesion in all the poem's imagery. Particularly, you allude to "that siren's song" in the end, and it would seem natural, since you refer to it as though it is something that you've already mentioned, to carve this motif out more explicitly in the first two lines. This way, the poem would all tie neatly together, end to beginning, and this could be a way of sidestepping the confusion that I felt in the second line.

I was thinking that this poem, though not a Siren Part 2, should follow the Siren series (hopefully a Siren part 2 & 3 to follow soon) if included in a chapbook or other arrangement. 

Thank you for your meaningful input. I hope I cleared up some of the confusion re the abstractions. I meant them more literally than they seem to have come across. 

[A. Baez]

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Yes, and here I am now plying her with abstractions and cliches in an effort to get her to hold hands! I've given it the old college try, and I remain hopeful that this strategy will work. 😅

Have you made your hand physically available to her? Or are you speaking metaphorically, and if so, are you sure that the above goal hasn't already been achieved? Just checking. 😉

Quote

Guilty. I do apply a cliche from time-to-time.

Just make sure that if you do so, you eschew unnecessary hyphenation, at least. There, you baited your latest writing mechanics crit from me--satisfied? 😜

Quote

Your scansion is one hundred percent correct...

My email notification of this reply informed me that my scansion was one percent correct. From one to one hundred in this short a period of time, without any actual changes on my part, is remarkable--don't you think? 😆

Quote

We'll have to practice reading this one together to get the flow. 😉

The flow is supposed to get the reader, not the reverse, but I'm happy to spend time with you on (almost) any pretext. 😁

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Thank you, and yes, it is a far cry from summers' climb.

All right, I've learned from you backchannel that by "summers' climb," you meant the progress of the season. Probably in part because of the mountain/rock climbing connotations this reference has for me, and partly because it is surrounded on both sides by what to me are also cryptic references, this figure of speech feels abstruse.

Quote

..."now" even transporting to those frozen afternoons won't stop me from obsessing over the love interest.

Oh! I was thinking that perhaps the afternoons were "frozen" because said love interest was physically absent.

Quote

I was thinking that this poem, though not a Siren Part 2, should follow the Siren series (hopefully a Siren part 2 & 3 to follow soon) if included in a chapbook or other arrangement. 

Sounds logical. Although the metaphor is used quite differently here, perhaps there is a relationship, after all, between the lure of an all-consuming, potentially dangerous love interest and the lure of a somewhat dark psychological obsession. The interplay between these different metaphors based on the same archetype could be quite interesting, especially as a love interest emerges in this poem as an antithesis of a dark controller.

Quote

I meant them more literally than they seem to have come across. 

Hmm, I would still classify these abstractions as quite figurative.

I'm glad you've expressed to me an interest in refining this poem to its highest potential and I look forward to seeing your next ideas.  By the way, I also like your rhyme scheme. 🙂

[tonyv]

I've had some time to re-focus on this, and I admit I wasn't completely satisfied with it when I showcased it. It wouldn't be too difficult to improve this. Replacing the cliche in L2 would be the first (and easiest) step. Aligning the metaphor in L1-L2 with the "siren" mention at the end (as you suggested) or dropping the siren reference altogether and using something that matches the seasonal theme in the first two lines (together with clarifying improvements to them) would follow. 

On 7/10/2020 at 10:18 PM, A. Baez said:

I was thinking that perhaps the afternoons were "frozen" because said love interest was physically absent ... Although the metaphor is used quite differently here, perhaps there is a relationship, after all, between the lure of an all-consuming, potentially dangerous love interest and the lure of a somewhat dark psychological obsession. The interplay between these different metaphors based on the same archetype could be quite interesting, especially as a love interest emerges in this poem as an antithesis of a dark controller.

The poem has a bit to do with obsession. It includes a renouncement of past obsessions (the "wanderlust") in favor of a new love interest who the speaker seems to admit is yet a new obsession. The "obsession" evident in this poem and some of my other poems isn't indicative of something bad; it's merely a recurring motif toward which much of my inspiration channels.

Thank you, again, A. Baez, with your clarifications and help understanding them. You've convinced me that this poem is worth some extra effort. I'll bump the topic when I make changes.

[A. Baez]

I agree with your analysis, and your game plan sounds good. Now I'm tending to prefer your idea of continuing the seasonal (and/or wilderness?) theme in the last line rather than than inserting the siren element into the beginning. This poem seems too short to fit in both of these strong, divergent motifs, and the seasonal element is the critical one. Perhaps "the call of the wild/north" or something along those lines could be an appropriate substitute.

Oh, a couple other things--I just noticed that your first line contains both "going" and "gone," which creates somewhat of a feeling of repetition. Also, I wonder if "when" is the best way to end this line--it seems on the weak side and I imagine something a bit more defined and less cut-off-sounding here like "days," to be followed by "when" or a similar modifier/s in the next line.

As far as obsessions go, I'd say that qualitative distinctions between different obsessions can render their common thread virtually insignificant--indeed, in this case, the two "crazes" identified seem almost opposite in character.

The more I, too, reflect on this poem along with the insights you've given me into it, the more interesting I find its conceit that a fascination with wild, cold places has been supplanted by the fascination of a (wild or not?) woman's warmth. If you are able to define this idea better (not relying on your audience's familiarity with your/the narrator's penchant for the former "craze"), this could become quite compelling indeed. Personally, I would find it an almost insurmountable challenge to adequately flesh out this concept in the amount of lines you've devoted to it, but you've surprised me in the past with your ability to fit everything that's absolutely needed in a poem into a corset-tight amount of lines. 

As far as obsessions being bad or not, I'd say that they become bad when they exert a blinding influence on the reason and an imbalance within the individual or his life, which obsessions do tend to do. I prefer to exalt the model of "passion," for I believe this conveys all the intensity of "obsession" without its unhealthy connotations.

I'm thrilled that I've convinced you that this poem is worth the effort needed to push it over the top. It seems to me that the exertion would be minimal relative to the rewards gained, as you would thus be able to fully "cash in" on the good that already lies here, currently either wholly manifest or partially unrealized.

[Tinker]

Hi Tony,  I love the concise simplicity of this.  It just feels right.

~~Judi

 

[tonyv]

On 7/15/2020 at 11:56 AM, Tinker said:

Hi Tony,  I love the concise simplicity of this.  It just feels right.

~~Judi

 

Thank you, Judi! "Feels right" is good!

Tony 🙂

[dr_con]

Loved it. Can't wait to see future Siren Songs. Found it perfectly crafted and just fun, which is a rather good thing considering the underlying layer of want/loss.

J

[JoelJosol]

The first two lines brought me in. I loved the sound between "cry" and "climb" and how they meshed together.  Although it was mentioned that "far cry" might be a "tell me" because of its abstraction. 

[tonyv]

On 8/7/2020 at 11:51 AM, dr_con said:

Loved it. Can't wait to see future Siren Songs ...

Thanks, Juris. Often, it takes me a while to get there, but I remain hopeful that I eventually will!

Tony

[tonyv]

On 8/27/2020 at 1:54 AM, JoelJosol said:

The first two lines brought me in. I loved the sound between "cry" and "climb" and how they meshed together.  Although it was mentioned that "far cry" might be a "tell me" because of its abstraction. 

Thanks, Joel, for checking in, for your kind reply. I hope you're well.

Tony

[David W. Parsley]

The first few times I read this, Tony, I was actually reluctant to intrude.  Very moving, maybe one of your best.  I especially resonated with what Phil says and don't know how to add anything more of value.

(I don't even have an adequate salutation!)
 - Dave