goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 The Blue Door (8.01.09) Beyond the empty fields across the old stone bridge by a brambled stream - an ultramarine door. Unwarped, unwormed its sheen, strong under an iced January sky. Around it battened mud walls seep odours of space where no one breathed. Undisturbed earth a mellowness enfolds a silence of voices silenced beyond echo in mute oneness with the ringed sun. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 The Blue Door (8.01.09) Beyond the empty fields across the old stone bridge by a brambled stream - an ultramarine door. Unwarped, unwormed its sheen, strong under an iced January sky. Around it battened mud walls seep odours of space where no one breathed. Undisturbed earth a mellowness enfolds a silence of voices silenced beyond echo in mute oneness with the ringed sun. goldenlangur I am totally enthralled by what this poem does to me. Just love the way your line breaks support the 'poetic' feel of the content. It is too bad more poets do not resort to what Lewis Turko refers to as "grammatical prosody", or was it "syntactical"? I feel the same about your use of punctuation--used only where line breaks are not quite enough to separate thought/images. A few minor quibbles not intended as a critique but a gut reaction. L3 may serve better ending w/ long dash or ellipses L4 ditto w/ comma instesd of period because what follows is descriptive of previous not a stand-alone clause L5 comma for same reason--and to make the description inclusive L10 could "breathes" be more intimate than "seeps" (leaks?), an active verb instead of a passive one. i.e., ..breathes odours ... rather than .. odours seep from... L15-16 repeating silence(d) could opt for "quieted" in L15 or "banished" in L16 If I've gone farther than you feel is right, let me know and I will not chance this again. But in my not so short existence I find it painful not to say such things re the more exquisite poems I read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi gl, This is simply exquisite. golden langur wrote: Unwarped, unwormed its sheen, strong under an iced January sky. As usual your lines capture the flavor of the land and bring exotic images to mind. Love and respect for your land "seeps" through your words. I can't comment on the punctuation changes waxwing suggests, but will disagree with the suggestion for L10, I think the passive "seeps" projects exactly the emotion you intended. This is poetry. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Golden, A lovely piece filled with a powerful naturalism which conveys the mystery of the specific- You demonstrate a 'poet's eye' through a fine illustration of your voice- exotic and at once familiar- agree with Tinker "This is poetry" ;-) DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Tinker wrote: Hi gl, This is simply exquisite. golden langur wrote: Unwarped, unwormed its sheen, strong under an iced January sky. As usual your lines capture the flavor of the land and bring exotic images to mind. Love and respect for your land "seeps" through your words. I can't comment on the punctuation changes waxwing suggests, but will disagree with the suggestion for L10, I think the passive "seeps" projects exactly the emotion you intended. This is poetry. ~~Tink It is gl’s right to choose/use any words he likes. My comments are not meant to change his mind, and I speak only about what I feel. And what you feel may be right. Poem should please with its sounds, with what it evokes, but should make sense, be anchored in the real world. It is good and right for poets to embellish common concepts, as gl does w/ “…door. Unwarped, unwormed,” and “an iced January sky”. But I take much to heart what Stanley Kunitz held: that words have unavoidable meanings or accepted usage(s). Fluid matter (air, sky, water, sea, etc.), even their attributes (aromas, temperatures even colors, sounds) do what only they can do, e.g., flow, flood, wet, leak, ooze, seep, penetrate etc., and may do so from, through about, over etc. various objects). Objects can not do that habitually but can pass, exude, emit, breeze etc. fluids/attributes. Of course, poets, by clever use of language have been successful in making words do the unusual without upsetting a sense of reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hello goldenlangur and all. I will go with my usual way of commenting :D, just about poetical sound of the poem I can't tell much about what waxwings and Tink talk about :). This poem flows with wonderful imagery and with amazing expression on the end: a silence of voices silenced beyond echo in mute oneness I agree with Tink and dr.con about the sound of this poem. Your sense of poetical touch is fantastic. I loved this poem. I enjoyed a lot. Thank you GL Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi waxwings, Thank you for taking a close look at this piece. You make a valid point about the punctuation which I shall gratefully consider in a re-write. Re suggestions for changing some of the words, I have read about how active verbs are more effective than passive ones and indeed my Mac is always asking me to correct my work with such prompts . But some of the changes might alter the intent, although grammatically, my usage as it stands, might be questioned! I appreciate your critical feedback. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi Tink, I'm so glad that something of my awe and love for the place comes across for you. I think I write not with an awareness of prosody but for the sonority and the images that come to mind - the passage you've quoted is an example of this. Similarly, 'seep' is the first image and sound that popped up! Your warm commendations mean much to me. With appreciation goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Thank you very much Dc for your warm words of commendation. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hello Alexsandra, I'm very grateful that you've enjoyed the imagery and the sounds in this piece. I normally write a tanka or two so I am pleasantly surprised when a piece like this works. Thank you so much. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Golden, I just finished reading unusual poetic submissions from both Tinker and Dr. Con, and now I have this exciting work from you.:D (It's quite different from your usual works.) The form is particularly pleasing to me. It reminds me, in both style and substance, of one of my favorite poems by poet Charles Simic: Empire of Dreams On the first page of my dreambook It’s always evening In an occupied country. Hour before the curfew. A small provincial city. The houses all dark. The storefronts gutted. I am on a street corner Where I shouldn’t be. Alone and coatless I have gone out to look For a black dog who answers to my whistle. I have a kind of Halloween mask Which I am afraid to put on. Forgive me for sharing Empire of Dreams here in your topic, but that's where your poem, replete with its mystery, uneasy surreality, and compact form took me; my brain immediately made the connection between the two poems. Your narration took me on a guided tour. I enjoyed taking in this "ultramarine door," savoring its attendant images of an iced January sky and a ringed sun, absorbing it all as a tourist would, with keen interest, kindled imagination, and a bit of awe. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhymeguy Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I have reread this work numerous times searching for what made it work so well for me. I wanted to comment on that. I cannot isolate one single thought. I simply enjoy this lovely work and wanted to say so. rg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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