Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus

Stripes


Recommended Posts

In a dream fires watch from within the eyes of a snake as it summons the sleeper who becomes a glass, receptacle. Trees feign hide and seek then demand a seance, rain sleeps in clouds. The sleeper is summoned out of the flames on a tiger's back, the moon is caged in stripes, its ministry is camouflaged, the earth is dying in disguise. The suns fires are like furloughed teeth.
 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I like the kaleidoscope of imagery in your poetry combined with its lyrical flowing rhythm. 

You repeated "fires" twice with a "flames" making the image appear thrice for emphasis, I suppose.

Could the California fires inspired this?

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hints of Blakes' The Tyger give rise to this altogether new creation. 

On 9/5/2020 at 12:44 PM, eclipse said:

Trees feign hide and seek then demand a seance, rain sleeps in clouds.

I love how they demand it. Damn, that speaks to my way! It's novel, and:

On 9/5/2020 at 12:44 PM, eclipse said:

the moon is caged in stripes, its ministry is camouflaged

brings it round, full circle ...  to the tiger.

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
David W. Parsley

Hi Barry, the sequence of images and actions transpire in the best tradition of French Symbolism.  I would prefer deleting the first three words, comes off as, not just trite, but lacking conviction in the brilliant succession of images to follow.

Like Joel, I was disturbed by the recurrence of 'fire', which is saved from further recurrence by 'flame' but only apparently - passive verbs emphasize the repetition which can tend to tedium.  This is exacerbated by the repetition of 'sleep/sleeper', 'a', 'the', etc.  The final sentence also has this passivity and lacks focus.  I recommend taking another pass through this to imagine each of these instances more actively and vividly, e.g. what are the sun's 'fires' (express more imaginatively and differently from other occurrences) doing that make them 'like' (how about something more active than this simile?) 'furloughed (what an original turn!) teeth'?, etc.

Nice Possibilities!
- David

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.