Every Day

[tonyv]

A dreary time of day begins at noon.
Quiescence, reminiscent of bare streets
on nine-one-one '01 or New Year's Day,
inevitably leads to 4 o'clock,
an even darker time of loneness. Then,
start the black hours that span till 3 am.
The phone sits in its cradle, not a peep
from it. I settle in and try to sleep.
But something blocks the slip to R.E.M.,
and restlessness takes hold, sets in again;
for sleep eludes the ones condemned to walk
a netherworld a million miles away,
lost where a coven of the weary meets,
far from the living, closer to the moon.

[JoelJosol]

I loved how you develop the theme but I am not sure the ending has enough build-up to make the switch.

[tonyv]

I agree, Joel. This isn't a very strong write. Been going through a dry spell here and, unfortunately, this is all I have had to offer thus far. I often find that if I read some good poetry, it helps me with my writing. Perhaps that's what I need to do ...

 

Thanks for taking a look at this.

 

Tony

[Tinker]

Hi Tony, This is a poem I have read several times but am unsure how to respond. This was not an easy read. Maybe it wasn't intended to be.

 

The detail of the images in the first half of the poem are cleverly written but appear so compact that I keep repeating the read to see if I follow the sequence. I realize this is Blank Verse, a metered poem, maybe it is some of those big words that seem to weigh the poem and the meter of the poem down. .. quiescence - reminiscent - inevitably - loneness - restlessness. The poem is so heavy 8) --- and I don't mean that in a groovy way. :)

 

I will come back and give this more attention later. It is a worthy poem to pursue, but because of the ambitious writing style you chose it takes time and a very careful read to sort it all out.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Thanks, Tink, for the read and for giving me your initial impressions on this. I do think this is more lame and lifeless than my usual attempts, but unfortunately it's all I've come up with recently. I'll probably just let it sit and hopefully write something else better soon.

 

Tony

[Tinker]

No Tony, it is not lame or lifeless, on the contrary it is ambitious. Maybe too ambitious. It seems to bog down in the rhetoric. Good one to step away from and come back later with a fresh perspective. But I would not let it go.

 

~~Tink

[pawn shop]

Not bad.

The poem sounds like someone who has been deprived of sleep for days....for whatever reason........the hint of the reason is excellant and subtle....the phone ! And of course, you use the image of a craddle.....I remember that nursery ryhme....rock abye baby...on the tree top.....ect.......but the poem encompasses way more darker elements.....

[tonyv]

Thank you, Tinker! I forgot to point out the somewhat hidden puzzle of a rhyme scheme in this one -- abcdefggfedcba. I'll have to check the sonnets topic to see if it exists already, or perhaps it's just a nonce sonnet from me. Doubtful, though ... I'm sure this one's been tried before! :lol:

 

Thank you pawn shop, for pointing out the reference to the phone :lol: -- funny how the phone represents different things to different people! -- and for noticing the darker elements!

 

Tony :)

[Tinker]

Hi Tony, It doesn't represent any identified sonnet form that I am aware of, but it is a very cool rhyme scheme, a mirror rhyme which I didn't catch. Yep, a nonce sonnet but if the form catches on, maybe someone will name it a Mirror Sonnet.

 

Actually I got so bogged down in the first half of the poem that I didn't pursue the structure far enough to recognize it as a sonnet. Sorry.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Hi again, Tinker. No need to apologize. Fact is, the poem is inherently weak, and big words coupled with a clever rhyme scheme aren't going to help it, much less save it. Last night I put the poem on THIS highly critical site, where I knew that it would get thrashed. It didn't take long, before someone was all over it. Not that the prolific participant who responded said anything extremely profound -- rather it was typical of what one would expect there -- but in my opinion, in the case of this poem, the response (though itself only one opinion) had merit.

 

I have lurked there at that site for a long time, and while there is much that can be learned there, there is also a lot that I don't like about the behavior of many of the participants there. While that site is touted as a workshop and not a showcase, and one can learn a lot on all sides by just lurking there, too many times I have seen what I believe is just wannabe critics who have no idea what they are talking about merely parroting the moderators. Much of the behavior that is tolerated (and thereby, by virtue of being tolerated, encouraged) there would not be tolerated here, even in our little workshop. Although it is not the case with that reply to my poem, too many times I have observed on that site what I feel is clueless beginners saying things that would not help but discourage other beginners ... and rudely at that! :lol: And many times (again, only my opinion) even the axioms adhered to there with respect to what constitutes good writing are subjective. I did go and read their topic on latinate language versus hardcore anglo-saxon expressions, and it seems that equally strong cases could be made for either point of view.

 

Again, thank you for your time on this poem. With respect to that site, I do laugh a lot when reading there -- some of the harsh criticism is indeed hilarious -- and these incidental musings about its characteristics are just my opinion. In the case of that site, ymmv.

 

Tony :)

[Tinker]

Interesting site, I do think the one critique of your poem made some good points and said more clearly what I was trying to say and couldn't put my finger on. I will look at other crits there, this one didn't sound particularly rude or discouraging to me. You know yourself, you were struggling with this poem. So the critique should help you attack you poem's weak spots. Or at least avoid those weaknesses in your next.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

Oh, no, nothing was rude in that critique as far as I'm concerned either. Even had it been rude, no matter ... I have a thick skin. :D But lurk around there, and you will see. Perhaps it's just me, but I think a lot of what goes on there is rude, especially when moderators tell aspiring writers to read 30,000 more poems before they ever try to write another. Yes, I also think it's hilarious, but it's still rude and uncalled for, and I would never say that to anyone here, even if I had a PhD in English grammar and another in literature.

[goldenlangur]

^{Covens and moon}

 

 

 

Hi Tony,

 

 

You have an intriguing mix of images in this poem from the allusions to "bare streets, count down to New Year festivities, the silent phone to a sudden leap with mythological-religious undertones : "netherworld, coven" and the moon. I wondered if you needed to flesh out the latter images to balance the former ones and then the straddling of the two spheres would be more coherent? As it stands, the allusions to the mythological-religious one, seems a little muted.

 

But I do love the wonderful meandering soliloquy-kind of tone to the poem - laden with a weariness that eludes the healing and calm of sleep.

 

 

goldenlangur

[tonyv]

Hi Tony,

 

 

You have an intriguing mix of images in this poem from the allusions to "bare streets, count down to New Year festivities, the silent phone to a sudden leap with mythological-religious undertones : "netherworld, coven" and the moon. I wondered if you needed to flesh out the latter images to balance the former ones and then the straddling of the two spheres would be more coherent? As it stands, the allusions to the mythological-religious one, seems a little muted.

 

But I do love the wonderful meandering soliloquy-kind of tone to the poem - laden with a weariness that eludes the healing and calm of sleep.

 

 

goldenlangur

Thank you, Golden! That was the effect I was going for. I myself like the meter and the language of the poem but, I think the poem ultimately fails due to lack of cohesiveness and areas of content . I will move on from this one for now and try to write something different and, hopefully, better. Perhaps I will try to explore the theme another time, in another poem.

 

Tony

[goldenlangur]

Hello again,

 

 

... I myself like the meter and the language of the poem but, I think the poem ultimately fails due to lack of cohesiveness and areas of content . I will move on from this one for now and try to write something different and, hopefully, better. Perhaps I will try to explore the theme another time, in another poem.

 

Tony

 

I look forward to what follows - you're quite right - a switch to something else gets one out of that being stuck feeling.

 

 

Good luck and do keep writing. :)

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[Aleksandra]

Ahh. What a long " poem " ( read discussion :D ) Ah I am lost a little bit inside, but ok I will try to respond on this poem too :D

 

Tony. This poem hmm... I think is good written poem. But as already told you the subject...not so familiar :) to me, and I think for you too. bc I am used to read something else from you ;). That site I do respect it too, but sometimes it is funny to me, but ok they have some rules there. So it is good for posting there the poem for having fun ( I say this because you know my thoughts around that ). :bounce:

 

Bw I can't say much here. But I like it so much the last two lines:

 

lost where a coven of the weary meets,

far from the living, closer to the moon.

 

Sounds nice to me. Thank you Tony for posting this poem and provoked so much discussioin , here we say - dust around :D Always is good when we have all kind of discussions on poetry. So well done my dear

 

Aleksandra

[tonyv]

Thank you, Golden, for your continued encouragement

 

... and thank you always, Aleksandra, for your kindness and support. I'm glad you liked the last lines.

 

Tony