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Killing Time


Gunslinger
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Gunslinger

Whisper soft, the falling rain,
Conveys a dreary sound.
And takes my thoughts to long ago
When you were still around.

The sighing of the autumn wind-
Is quite in tune with mine.
A lonely man, a lonely house...
I sit here, killing time.

Ah, what a waste, to kill the thing-
Which we all seem to lack.
That, once it’s gone, so precious seems
But nought can bring it back.

But I suppose the irony-
Is there for all to see...
It’s only fair that I kill time,
For time is killing me.

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David W. Parsley

Hi GS, quite clever!  I confess that I might like the piece even more without the final stanza!

Thanks,
David

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  • 2 weeks later...

Very well-written. Though it's piquant, I agree with Dave re the last stanza. The first three verses do such a good job showing yet the effect is diminished by the last which slides a bit into tell.

Tony

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Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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  • 2 weeks later...
JoelJosol

Good feedback. I would have re-written the line "A lonely man, a lonely house" by a powerful image or picture that captures the intent of the original line. Just my first thought. But the direction of the poem is profound.

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"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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  • 2 weeks later...
dcmarti1
On 5/5/2021 at 12:48 AM, David W. Parsley said:

Hi GS, quite clever!  I confess that I might like the piece even more without the final stanza!

Thanks,
David

Clever, indeed, David. But that last stanza is quite a jolt! 😉

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bill kamen

But I suppose the irony-
Is there for all to see...
It’s only fair that I kill time,
For time is killing me.

Actually I like the last two lines of the last stanza 

I would remove the first two lines

Just my thoughts but overall I enjoyed your poem and it was well written !!

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Thank you all for the input.

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Hi GS,  I haven't even welcomed you yet.  Great to see new blood on the site but keep the guns holstered here. 

This first of your works that I've read is really quite good and I love the last 2 lines but as an epitaph or proverb as a short stand alone poem.  I agree with the others, the first 3 stanzas tell it all without spelling it out for the reader in the 4th stanza. It diminishes their power.   It is natural to want to tie the whole thing up neatly but as Whitman says "condense, condense, condense" and you words carry more power.    

Anyway, if this is what you have to offer, I am excited to see what more you will share with us. 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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