In the Whiteness of Sun

[Terry A]

The birds don’t sing like they used to
           it is alright
It is all our world 
               things go away
You went away.
The sound of you gone
fills the currents
         where bird song used to be
And the dew still comes
relieving the pressure
of sun blasted fever
            Couds drifting over me
in days lost to chatter
Second-thoughts
            honey-creeping along. 

[badger11]

Hi Terry,

             I am reading a world shaped by absence, perspective filtered by the internal landscape, a qualitative difference defined by experience. The external reality of nature exists, but not how the individual lived that world.

 

Quote

  Clouds drifting over me
in days lost to chatter

I found those lines particularly meaningful.

 

best

Phil

[dr_con]

That is an amazing piece of work. Very modern, very well composed. Enjoyed!

[Terry A]

Phil, it's sort of that. The internal landscape finding some tentative representation in the natural world, helps to lessen how cemented to the ground spirit can be.

dr_con, what a compliment, I thank you.

Not related- The assassination attempt of Donald Trump yesterday now dominates news. Commented by some as mythic, his survival now shapes what is coming. And some say his stance, shows the power he gathers, as seen in all hero myth, to vanquish his enemies. Or as millions believe, to vanquish the death-cults and their heavy hand on the future.    Trump is no plaster saint, that is what some cannot forgive. but through-out history, no plaster saint ever filled the role he now has before him. We do not live in ordinary times anymore. And it is, indeed, a privilege to be here. Writers have all the material ever needed for a modern Iliad and Odyssey, if we could but view it from a great enough perspective. Outcome, I do not know, but I wait to see if the sleeping giant that is the U.S, will get off its knees. And if Divine Providence will show its Hand.

[badger11]

On 7/14/2024 at 8:59 PM, Terry A said:

 

The birds don’t sing like they used to
           it is alright
It is all our world 
               things go away
You went away.
The sound of you gone
quickening the currents
         where bird song used to be
And the dew still comes
relieving the pressure
of sun blasted fever
            Clouds drifting over me
in days lost to chatter
Second-thoughts
            honey-creeping along. 

Didn't notice the typo on 'clouds'! Not sure about 'creeping', but haven't thought of an alternative. 

[Terry A]

Phil-

Well that's plain shabby posting- I didn't notice the spelling mistake. I'll correct it just so I don't feel like a loon,.

The honey creeping, it serves a couple of purposes-

The typical honeycreepers form a genus Cyanerpes of small birds in the tanager family Thraupidae. They are found in the tropical New World from Mexico south to Brazil. They occur in the forest canopy, and, as the name implies, they are specialist nectar feeders with long curved bills.

Though knowing that doesn't add much sense to the poem. And the reader shouldn't have to know that, but I couldn't resist the metaphor. 

[Poemme]

Very nice work. I think the first half is stronger than the second which gets a bit tangled compared to the clarity of the first half.

[Terry A]

Thank you Poemme for the comments. I’ll review this poem after some time has passed to see if I should change a few things. And will comment on your poems when I can. Too sun baked right now, it is unseasonably hot, not weather to my liking for doing anything.

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Terry, I agree with Poemme about the clean, just-forceful-enough lines of the first half of the poem.  

The second part loses some of that immediacy in the use of -ing words, especially with "relieving THE pressure" after the opening declarative phrase about the dew.  

On 7/14/2024 at 12:59 PM, Terry A said:

 

...

And the dew still comes
relieving the pressure
of sun blasted fever
            Couds drifting over me
in days lost to chatter
Second-thoughts
            honey-creeping along. 

I would like to see what happens for the reader if those final seven lines are reduced to four or five.  Definitely keep the honey-creeper symbol and action.

Nice!
- Dave

[Terry A]

Thanks David! Will see if I can fine-tune the final version of this poem. Your presence is always welcome on the forum.