eclipse Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I left my body in my fortieth yearand encountered three glass doorsdivided by water-passing throughthe first door I saw forty incarnationsof myself-going through the second doorI saw twenty earths without a moon-through the third door I saw representationsof myself from birth to death for each dayI spent on earth linking hands from the earthto the moon being turned like the hands of a clock.powered by the lunar orbit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Oh, but why stop there? This seems like it should go on. Enjoying the imagination of it. Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Then ... suddenly ... a fourth door, made not of glass but wood. It is closed but unlocked. Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Then suddenly he had nothing constructive to say... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I like your surreal voice in this (and other things). My only criticism of this is that it feels, not only open to interpretation, as my favorite poems do, but lacks the cohesive thematic structure you are well known for. A little too much like: I had a dream last night' and not enough 'And the key (although it may not be legible) is the 'fish in glycerine' as an example. Solid images, yet it left me wanting. Many Thanks! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 The imagination is hooked by the doors, clock, and has an appetite for more. Maybe ending the poem on 'clock' would define a closure. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Hi Barry, I had let this one sit for a while, did not want to rush in where the site's angels were treading. I think the sense of incompleteness derives from the final run-on sentence. And I think that is symptomatic of the poem not yet being through a purging cycle of craft and polish. Another symptom of this is the excess use of unnecessary words (such as some of the "the"s [but not "a", thank goodness!]) and reemergence of vain repetitions (i.e. "door"). A poem of this brevity is particularly sensitive to excess baggage slowing down the sprint. And a concluding run-on sentence actually saps that energy, too, giving a sense of breathlessness rather than immediacy. So what do I like? Well, everything else! Highly original and irresistably Symbolist. The shift in perspective between the doors, and what is that water between them? Cool! Thanks, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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