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goldenlangur

HAIKU CHALLENGE

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goldenlangur

Hello again Lake,

 

 

Yes, you're right about the 'universal resonance' that a haiku should hold for the readers, no matter what the poet describes - based on the Buddhist concept of the transience of human experience, which the haiku Masters called the wabi-sabi.

 

Thank you for getting back with more details about the garden in your haiku. Wonderful and with such poignant potential. If you're not offended, here's another go at your haiku, taking in the new details you've described:

 

 

just the chair and table

the blooms and gardener long gone -

November noon

 

Does this work? Does it convey what you felt and saw? L 2 has 8 syllables but overall the haiku still has 17 syllables. Perhaps you could even leave 'the' at the start of L2?

 

 

Just trying and always with the understanding that you're free to reject what I've done.

 

 

I'm enjoying this workshop very much. Thank you for sharing and for being so tolerant of my playing around with your haiku.

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Thank you Lake for the details. I will have a think and return:

 

Lake wrote:

'watching eyes', when I wrote it, they were my eyes; after it was written, I thought they can be anyone's eyes who watch. The geese fly away, leave the eyes behind, wondering. That's what I wanted to convey.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lake

 

But enjoying this very much icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi again Lake,

 

Had a wee think and here's my two-piece worth take-on of your haiku:

 

Lake wrote:

 

'watching eyes', when I wrote it, they were my eyes; after it was written, I thought they can be anyone's eyes who watch. The geese fly away, leave the eyes behind, wondering. That's what I wanted to convey.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lake

 

cries in the sky

geese overhead, how swiftly

they're gone!

 

The image and emotion you evoke in your haiku is very Issa-like. I'm not sure that my version does it any justice. Do feel free to bin it.

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

goldenlangur wrote:

 

just the chair and table

the blooms and gardener long gone -

November noon

 

cries in the sky

geese overhead, how swiftly

they're gone!

 

 

Thanks much, Golden! I love these two, they certainly make a big difference. All the images and meanings are packed into this short form and I feel something is injected into it, too, though I can't find a word to describe it. Maybe it is that epiphany?

 

If you don't mind, I'll save them in my haiku collection.

 

Much appreciation!

 

Lake

 

PS: Yes, I think "the" before "blooms" can go.

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goldenlangur

Hello Lake,

 

So delighted. icon_smile.gif

 

I love the clear images in the 'geese' haiku - including both sound and visual - you capture well the way one first hears and then sees and then's it's gone! Would you not say that in haiku simple contrasts of clear images works?

 

I hope you will cast a critical haiku eye over my posts too icon_smile.gif

 

The deletion of 'the' does seem appropriate. I wondered in your haiku about the 'garden' whether 'bench' instead of 'chair' would be better? 'bench' featured in your original post. Just a thought to consider or throw.

 

Hope to read many more of your haiku.

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Tinker

This thread has me observing more closely and wanted to capture something.

rain slick asphalt
littered by fallen leaves
road to winter

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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goldenlangur

Hi Tink,

 

Love your 'road to winter' here! 'The

rain slick asphalt'

shows a minutiae of detail, closely observed.

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

car windscreen

I write your name

in frost

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Tinker

Hi gl, Thanks for the support, I miss writing but struggle when I try. Haiku is a good reentry form.

 

I love the personal yet objective manner in which your last haiku is written. I like the surprise in the middle rather than at the end, it makes it all the more surprising.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

goldenlangur wrote:

 

But can I just say that your feeling of 'battling' the November color, chill and rain is the very stuff of haiku so please don't be put off by my reading and discussing the rules of haiku.

I hope you will return with more haiku and the revised ones too.

Not put off at all, GL. I appreciate all the help and support. Thank you also for these gems from Issa:

 

autumn rain

reflects light

on cramped knees

 

autumn wind -

scarlet flowers my child

might well have picked

 

high on the hill

I cough

into autumn gust

 

The background information you provided, though sad, is helpful and inspiring in its own right. It illustrates how far-reaching a master craftsman's art can be: even when it draws from a personal tragedy, it has universal appeal, because it sheds light on the human condition .

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Thank you Tink for this thought :

 

Tinker wrote:

 

Haiku is a good reentry form.

 

~~Tink

 

and your thumbs-up for my haiku icon_smile.gif

 

Struggling to write is something I can relate to and the haiku has certainly helped me to keep going.

 

Lovely to read your post and hope you'll return with more icon_smile.gif

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

Much relieved and very glad indeed that my ramblings about the haiku form has not put you off icon_smile.gif

 

You're quite right about the way Issa's own personal tragedy made him aware of the sufferings of others - insects, birds, animals and strangers he met on his travels. With what genius he transmutes his own unhappy experiences (early death of mother and ill-treatment by step-mother and deaths of his children - none lived beyond the age of 2 - and of his wives) to an universal theme of suffering and compassion! He's truly inspirational!

 

How good to have this exchange with you. icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

bare trees

and the markets fall again -

morning radio

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

Hello friends. I was reading now all thread, because I was busy and didn't check earlier. I love how it goes this challenge and really it is a challenge. Golden I love the way how you run this topic, your loudly speaking and help. I am thankful to your efforts here on this topic and on all board. Here IT IS a lot to learn.

 

I can't be offended by any help GL. Really I missed the part to make my haikus stronger, without " telling " what I am not usually do. SO thank you for the remind that haiku should be more straight and powerful, and less lyrical - poetical.

 

So I accept your reviewing on my haikus, not ignoring at all.

Here is my opinion inspired by your help:

 

( I changed a little bit the order of the words again )

 

The autumn frost -

shadow in the window

and jewels on face.

 

November night -

a voiceless pain

and a prayer.

 

I will try again in this challenge. Thanks a lot GL and to you all who makes this thread richer.

 

And now are we have free choice of words, or there is another ones what I missed for going on, on this thread? icon_smile.gif

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Always a pleasure, Aleksandra to have exchanges in a forum icon_smile.gif though you say I'm

loudly speaking

icon_scratch.png

 

 

You've done a great reworking of your haiku. The only tiny point is the line

jewels on face

- how does this link to the other 2 lines in the haiku and again 'jewels' is a lyrical detail, which the reader should come to icon_idea.png without the poet telling.

 

So I wondered if this might work?:

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

the 'moon' bringing out both the shadow and the 'jewel' like image. I've used 'my face' because haiku requires a concrete reference.

 

 

As ever, Aleksandra, do please feel free to reject this point if you're happy with your haiku as it stands.

 

 

No more 'loudly speaking' from me, I promise icon_wink.gif

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra
Always a pleasure, Aleksandra to have exchanges in a forum icon_smile.gif though you say I'm
loudly speaking

icon_scratch.png

 

 

You've done a great reworking of your haiku. The only tiny point is the line

jewels on face

- how does this link to the other 2 lines in the haiku and again 'jewels' is a lyrical detail, which the reader should come to icon_idea.png without the poet telling.

 

So I wondered if this might work?:

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

the 'moon' bringing out both the shadow and the 'jewel' like image. I've used 'my face' because haiku requires a concrete reference.

 

 

As ever, Aleksandra, do please feel free to reject this point if you're happy with your haiku as it stands.

 

 

No more 'loudly speaking' from me, I promise icon_wink.gif

 

 

goldenlangur

 

icon_redface.gifGoldenlangur. I hope I didn't offended you. Don't give me that promise, because I love your loudly speaking. Maybe my expression is wrong, because of my English. With loud speaking I didn't mean in negative. I used like expression for your clearly explanations and very useful. I love when somebody explains in so good way, and make it clear and worth, to be heard and learned. So I am sorry I sounded bad and negative my friend.

 

About haiku. I missed that part about jewel. But now I got the point, again thanks to you.

 

Goldenlangur, thank you and once again, I am sorry if I sounded bad, still my English is not so good, or my eternal problem I want to translate my Macedonian expressions in English language - directly icon_redface.gif

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hi again Aleksandra,

 

No offence taken and I'm relieved that it's just a linguistic tangle of words icon_smile.gif something I can well understand as we translate from our own language into English each time we write.

 

There's nothing wrong with your English. In fact that you write with such passion and feeling in English is most admirable!

 

I still hope that you will feel free to reject any suggestions I make about your haiku because often the reader is not privy to what the poet sees and feels and one extrapolates from what we read and can miss the poet's intention.

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

rising steam blurs

my window, I wipe it off –

blazing snowflakes!

 

 

(Is it understandable? Is it cumbersome?) icon_redface.gif

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

How lovely the view from the window in this haiku icon_smile.gif Snow is such a clear image of winter.

 

Yes, your images work. The contrast between the steam and the 'snowflakes' is brought out well. Perhaps par it down a bit in the first line? And 'blazing' is metaphorical rather than an actual detail of the snowflakes? Perhaps you are describing the snowflakes coming thick and fast? Just a suggestion here:

 

steam blurs my window

I wipe it off –

snowflakes shower !

 

 

As ever, do trust yourself about what you want to capture in you haiku and do feel free to ignore my suggestion.

 

 

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

goldenlangur wrote:

 

And 'blazing' is metaphorical rather than an actual detail of the snowflakes? Perhaps you are describing the snowflakes coming thick and fast? Just a suggestion here:

 

steam blurs my window

I wipe it off –

snowflakes shower !

 

 

 

Hi Golden,

 

Thanks for reminding me of the essential elements in Haiku, which need to be revisited. Especially when they are discussed in one's own works, they are easy to be understood and remembered. I take your suggestion with no hesitation.

 

Thanks as always.

 

Lake

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Lake

Snow Variations

 

Revised

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

 

snowy wind -

sound of silk

tearing bare branches

 

 

fresh footprints

leading toward the woods

a deeper winter

 

 

quiet alarm clock

what’s the morning noise?

snow plow outside

 

Original

 

1

first snow

falls on

this still green grass

 

2

snow shatters

from an oak tree

a raven takes off

 

4

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

 

 

(I'm afraid, not much aha here. But anyway...)

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

You've been out and about with a haiku eye icon_smile.gif It's exciting when one begins to see things this way icon_smile.gif

 

 

Love the unexpected touch in your third haiku - wind and silk - a great image! Suggests a contrasts of textures and that sense of something coming to light in the juxtaposition of the images.

 

Your powers of contrasting images and evoking moments of poignant reflections are superb. For instance, in this haiku:

 

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

I love the ambiguity you bring to where the fresh footprints might be going to. Would you mind including another image in the second line to enhance this?:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the hedge -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the pond -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the woods -

a deeper winter

 

(Here the hedge/ pond/woods/ deeper winter open up the haiku to possible interpretations enhancing its impact on the reader and giving that aha sense)

 

In this haiku the suddenness of the raven's flight in juxtaposition to the stillness of the snow-covered oak is wonderful! Also a great contrasts of white/snow and black/raven. This use of concrete images to suggest colours and contrasts is the very essence of haiku. Truly great, Lake!:

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

The only tiny detail is perhaps you don't need tree here?

 

 

Your first haiku is an excellent observation of the scene. Would a little rejigging of the lines bring out its effect?

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

(Rejigging gives you short-long-short lines).

 

 

 

Your final haiku is perfect.

 

 

As always, Lake, please do feel free to ignore these suggestions, if you feel that these do not convey your intent.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your haiku experience. I've enjoyed this very, very much. icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

 

 

goldelangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

goldenlangur wrote:

 

Your powers of contrasting images and evoking moments of poignant reflections are superb. For instance, in this haiku:

 

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

I love the ambiguity you bring to where the fresh footprints might be going to. Would you mind i
ncluding another image in the second line to enhance this?:

fresh footprints

leading to the hedge -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the pond -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the woods -

a deeper winter

 

(Here the
hedge/ pond/woods/ deeper winter
open up the haiku to possible interpretations enhancing its impact on the reader and giving that
aha
sense)

 

Excellent addition here, Golden. All the three options work, hard to choose. However, I'll take 'woods' which has a far-reaching sense.

 

In this haiku the suddenness of the raven's flight in juxtaposition to the stillness of the snow-covered oak is wonderful! Also a great contrasts of white/snow and black/raven. This use of concrete images to suggest colours and contrasts is the very essence of haiku. Truly great, Lake!:

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

The only tiny detail is perhaps you don't need
tree
here?

 

You are right, 'tree' is a bit redundant.

 

Your first haiku is an excellent observation of the scene. Would a little rejigging of the lines bring out its effect?

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

(Rejigging gives you
short-long-short
lines).

 

Very skillful play of the lines and that does bring out the effect, and the lines look much better now.

 

As always, Golden, thank you very much for your contribution to my haiku!

 

Lake

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Aleksandra

Lake wrote:

 

Snow Variations

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

 

snowy wind -

sound of silk

tearing bare branches

 

 

fresh footprints

leading toward the woods

a deeper winter

 

 

quiet alarm clock

what’s the morning noise?

snow plow outside

 

 

(I'm afraid, not much aha here. But anyway...)

 

Lake I just read something about haiku, and I can see in yours haiku poems exactly that what I read, using of clear imageries, as goldenlangur was saying to me / us icon_smile.gif. I admire you how yours haiku makes sense. I must learn more from you guys.

 

Well done Lake.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Lake

Alek,

 

Thanks for your complement. Your haiku are also unique. We learn from each other.

 

Do we still continue in this winter haiku?

 

the north wind

whips snow across the prairie

a silver dune

 

charity bell

rings soundless to

the Christmas shoppers

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