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HAIKU CHALLENGE


goldenlangur

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goldenlangur

HELLO,

 

INSPIRED BY LAKE'S COLLECTION OF HAIKU AND THE IDEA OF THE CHALLENGE AND IMPORTANCE OF THE 'TURN' IN THE HAIKU FORM, WE THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE A HAIKU CHALLENGE FOR 1 WEEK - 16 - 23 NOVEMBER.

 

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOOK OUT THE WINDOW/DOOR,OR GO FOR A WALK (A HAIKU WALK IS CALLED A GINGKO) AND WRITE A COLLECTION OF HAIKU USING NOVEMBER OR ATUMN IN YOUR HAIKU. POST IT HERE WITH HAIKU CHALLENGE IN BRACKETS AND OF COURSE REVIEW AND EXCHANGE THOUGHTS. THE IDEA IS NOT A PERFECT HAIKU BUT USING OUR SENSES TO CAPTURE A HAIKU MOMENT OR TWO OR MORE icon_smile.gif

 

Just a few to start this:

 

after the rain

crows fly in a line

November dusk

 

November dusk

leaves in the courtyard

how bird songs echo

 

 

autumn sun

lights up

the last rose

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

Ah Golden icon_biggrin.png You scared me here. I thought you are yelling here because of those big letters icon_biggrin.png. Maybe because is a challenge icon_biggrin.pngicon_wink.gif.

 

Bw, Goldenlangur this is good idea, but don't you think that this challenge belongs to the Workshop - Poetry Playground? I think there would be better, where all challenges are. So I will move there.

 

Anyway, this would be interesting and I hope that more of us will jump here icon_smile.gif

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Sorry to scare you Aleksandra icon_wink.gif

 

This forum is fine icon_smile.gif

 

 

I hope you'll return with some haiku.

 

GOOD LUCK icon_smile.gif

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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I think this is a very good idea to practice writing haiku. It's said we should write at least one each day, this way to keep our mind sharp, attentive to things around us. Here are my two to show my participation. icon_biggrin.png

 

raking in the backyard

a dog answers

from the picket fence

 

long lines of vehicles

crawling in the morning -

first November snow

 

leaves rustle

a farewell song

to a quiet pond

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

An excellent idea to write a haiku a day to keep the old gray cells ticking away! And what images you've captured in your haiku here! Love the range of references - own garden, traffic ( public area and presence) and that very Basho-like sabi in your final haiku.

 

Thank you for sharing your work here. What a fantastic response!

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hello Tony,

 

What a great sport you are giving the haiku a try! You've got some fabulous moments in your haiku. Perhaps a little playing around with more concrete images will sharpen each haiku and bring out its wonderful potential.

 

If you're not offended:

 

In the first haiku show us the 'autumn glory' in color, smell, light. I like the juxtaposition of 'puddles' and the 'cars, trucks and buses' - concrete and evokes congestion, urban space, the poet looking out the window of his car ( a moment that triggers the haiku) and also hum and hub of activity or perhaps a piling up of traffic at a point. Really brilliant! If you give us a specific color, smell or light image for the first line, you'll bring out this moment even more concretely and vividly!

 

Similarly, how is 'cold' duller in November - the rain, constant drizzle, sunless sky?

 

So exciting - the moments you suggest, Tony. I hope you will play around with your haiku and try some more.

 

 

I've enjoyed this very much. A big thank you!

 

icon_smile.gif goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

Love the range of references - own garden, traffic ( public area and presence) and that very Basho-like
sabi
in your final haiku.

 

Thank you, Golden! I've never looked at my haiku this close and I'm glad to read your take on this. Ah, that Basho-like sabi really makes me happy.

 

You use a lot of concrete images in your haiku too, but the thing attracts me is that they are not just individual images but there is a connection between them. I'm still working hard on this part. Your

autumn sun

lights up

the last rose

 

implies the end of autumn.

 

Thank you for all the inspiration!

 

Lake

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Another three:

 

blue-stem grass

bend their silver heads

autumn wind

 

an empty chair

stares at a lone table

master’s gone

 

a crow perches

atop a pine tree –

autumn end

 

 

(Let me know what need to be improved. Thanks.)

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goldenlangur

Hello Lake,

 

You're on a roll! It's wonderful! Each of your haiku here evokes a moment quite beautiful. I particularly love the wistfulness in the second haiku.

 

 

The only teeny weeny point I would make most reluctantly ( don't want to spoil your haiku moment) is in the second haiku would something like this also work:

 

an empty chair

facing a lone table

you've gone

 

The 'master's gone' link between the two images is not very clear. But this is only an opinion for you to reject/accept, as you see fit.

 

But it's really wonderful to read you haiku and it's only fair to say that it was your collection which inspired this thread!

 

Just a few...

 

frost on prayer wheels

how quiet the valley -

November dawn

 

above the ridge

a hole in the clouds -

autumn sun

 

in the full moon

rows of butter lamps -

autumn rite

 

black-necked cranes

circle the paddy fields -

first snow

 

 

Any suggestions for improvement will be much appreciated.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

Here is me. I am not so inspired in this period, but I would try anyway.

 

The autumn tears,

jewels on my face.

- shadow in the window

 

November leaf -

my cover at nights.

shivers...

 

Autumn in you

hugs me strong.

- Maternity.

 

Voiceless pain

in November night

- Make a prayer.

 

Leaves are gone

You are here

in this November smile.

 

Naked autumn,

and frozen November -

The winter knocks.

 

 

 

 

 

icon_rolleyes.gif

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hello Aleksandra,

 

How wonderful of you to give this challenge a try although your Muse is in a lull. My sympathy as I know well how this can be. Given that what an amazing range of emotions you evoke in your haiku - tenderness, longing and sadness, also a sense of the inevitable.

 

This is very poignant:

 

Voiceless pain

in November night

- Make a prayer.

 

What a sense of the inevitable here!:

 

Naked autumn,

and frozen November -

The winter knocks.

 

And the longing in this:

 

The autumn tears,

jewels on my face.

- shadow in the window

 

If you won't be offended a slight rejigging of the lines would make the juxtaposition in the haiku sharper:

 

For example:

autumn tears - perhaps frost? In haiku the image needs to be concrete rather than lyrical.

jewels on my face - the reader should come to this image without you 'telling'.

shadow in the window - is wonderfully haunting but we need to link this with the other 2 lines.

 

So here's a small reworking of your haiku:

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face ('and' may not be required!)

 

 

I hope you won't mind my playing around with this beautiful haiku:

 

Voiceless pain

in November night

- Make a prayer.

 

 

November night -

this voiceless pain

and a prayer

 

Just a couple of reworking of the lines to make the images concrete and linked. But I could have changed your intended meaning in my efforts. So please do feel free to ignore my reworking if this is the case.

 

 

But it really is wonderful to see how you've got that very vital sense of expressing deep feelings in a concentrated use of images.

 

I've enjoyed this very much, Aleksandra and I do hope you will try some more.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

The only teeny weeny point I would make most reluctantly ( don't want to spoil your haiku moment) is in the second haiku would something like this also work:

 

an empty chair

facing
a lone table

you've gone

 

The 'master's gone' link between the two images is not very clear. But this is only an opinion for you to reject/accept, as you see fit.

 

 

Hi Golden,

 

It's great to see how you tweak it and help link the images. Your version works very well indeed. Now I can see what's not clear in others' eyes so I can work around it to make my idea more clear. Actually, I was describing the scene in a withered garden, but without any hint of "garden", the "master" doesn't quite make any sense. How about:

 

a garden bench

facing a stone table

the master's gone

 

I'll definitely keep your rewrite as a good example for linking images. And it's so beneficial to read your comments on others' works as well. I hope I can write more and write better with all these inspirations and the members' exchange of their works and comments and suggestions.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

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(Probably these are pretty rough, not fine tuned yet. But here it goes.)

 

physical therapy

I rest my arm

in a stranger’s hand

 

cries in the sky

geese overhead, behind -

watching eyes

 

no cooking tonight

daughter takes me for dinner

thanks giving thanks day

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Thank you, Golden, for taking a close look at my haiku attempts. Your well-received advice goes for any poem, but it seems that it's especially applicable to the haiku (perhaps because of its brevity?). I wonder if something like this would work better ...

 

 

Battleships adrift in autumn:

cars, trucks, and buses;

puddles.

 

 

Cold is a mole, burrowing

deeper, in November;

headache.

 

 

But I dunno ...

 

Again, thank you for your detailed reply. You stated what, to me, was not so obvious in the moment. Haiku is indeed a challenge. I'm not just getting to this rewrite attempt; I have been trying for days to improve these haiku, and this is all I have come up with so far.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

I do understand how what one wants to convey may not be obvious to the reader or in this case, one like myself tinkering with your haiku!

 

In the haiku here, you seem to want to convey a sense of a deserted place and I can see how 'the master's gone' works in your eyes. But the reader is not there with you to grasp this detail. Therefore, you will have to bring out this detail a little more clearly. Could I ask - is this garden a neighbor's who has moved out? is it a garden you drove by with a "Sale' sign? Perhaps bringing these details in will make clearer your image of a deserted garden. "the master's gone" does not convey what you know but the reader does not.

 

Lake wrote:

a garden bench

facing a stone table

the master's gone

 

In my reworking of your haiku, I imagined a sense of missing someone - totally arbitrary - as this is not what you experienced. I would say, be true to what you see and feel and although you're very gracious about my reworking your haiku, please feel free to reject it if it does not convey what you intend.

 

It's a pleasure reading your work and sharing what little I know of this form. But please, please don't accept what I say, if you feel that it does not reflect what you actually see and feel in that particular moment. it's a learning curve for me - reading and trying to understand what you and other haiku writers mean and intend and also learning to use clear images in my own haiku.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

 

Your first one is brilliant - love the juxtaposition between lines 2 and 3 - so vivid and well expressed! The delight in the final haiku is lovely! In the second haiku 'watching eyes' makes one ask: Whose? and How does this link with the 'geese overhead'? If you could make clearer this link, it would be fantastic.

 

 

Thank you for more haiku - icon_smile.gif

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

You're ever so nice about my attempts on haiku writing and critique icon_smile.gif I appreciate it very much. But really, for a first time attempt you bring into play quite a complex range of emotions and images and with a regular slot of time for haiku, I do think you will be able to bring out the juxtaposition of your images clearly and with that wabi-sabi element, which is so crucial - this element is a sense of the impermanence of all human experience, a basic Buddhist concept, as you know Basho and many of the classical haiku writers were Buddhist priests and adepts.

 

The brevity of haiku is paring down of all extraneous details - lyrical, descriptive, emotional etc - to arrive at a raw moment of what you experience. But the haiku writer should be able to give this moment an universal resonance - a aha! which hits one with both surprise and a recognition of something familiar.

 

 

In your two haiku you've revised perhaps if you would make the images you already have ' cars, trucks and buses' and 'puddles' evoke the 'battleships in autumn' without telling the reader what it is - are you describing an after a flood scenario?

 

Similarly in the image of the 'mole' and its link with 'headache' - are you suggesting that with the slowing down of the general rhythm of life in nature, the descending autumn sun and the general growing darkness and cold makes the poet feel like a mole?

 

 

As ever, Tony, do feel free to ignore my comments because as I explained to Lake, I may well have misinterpreted your intention. Being in that moment as it felt to you and cutting back other poetic details might edge you towards that haiku moment.

 

 

I must qualify that I'm only sharing my take-on of this form and this is by no means the only way to do it.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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I just stumbled on this thread and I love it. I haven't written anything for so long, maybe I can get something going with a haiku.

gl, I believe your take on haiku is right on. I think the hardest part of writing haiku is that Ah ha! moment, that surprising human insight inspired by the images of the earlier image.

Here is an image but I am struggling with the turn a bit...

red leaves crunch
beneath black rubber boots
autumn chess game

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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What a treat is was to read all of the haiku in this thread. It is late and I don't have the time to comment on them right now but what an inspiration you all are. And what a great idea to write a haiku a day! Maybe that would break the block.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Thank you, again, GL, for coming back to this. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to this challenging form, and your thoughts and suggestions are very helpful.

The brevity of haiku is paring down of all extraneous details - lyrical, descriptive, emotional etc - to arrive at a raw moment of what you experience. But the haiku writer should be able to give this moment an universal resonance - a aha! which hits one with both surprise and a recognition of something familiar.

 

In your two haiku you've revised perhaps if you would make the images you already have ' cars, trucks and buses' and 'puddles' evoke the 'battleships in autumn' without telling the reader what it is - are you describing an after a flood scenario?

Yes, I see now how my revised haiku is not quite there. The battleship one fails for the reasons stated -- it tells, rather than shows.

 

It has been said that a poem which has to be explained fails.

Similarly in the image of the 'mole' and its link with 'headache' - are you suggesting that with the slowing down of the general rhythm of life in nature, the descending autumn sun and the general growing darkness and cold makes the poet feel like a mole?

I explain: with both battleship and mole, I was trying to capture the grays of November rain, streets, and sidewalks, and I can see now, how these two attempts come across to the reader. I do think I can salvage these. I will work on them some more. Again, thank you!

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Hi Tink,

 

How lovely to see you around icon_smile.gif I have missed your work.

 

You're absolutely right about the 'aha!' moment in haiku - as someone once said, 'haiku is more than a 3-line poem' - that fragment and phrase which sets the scene and then the turn in the image to get that 'satori' moment is something I struggle with all the time.

 

The images of autumn in your haiku are delightful and I do like the juxta between the 'beneath ' which has a hint of menace and the ' game' in your final line which is playful and gives an 'aha!' effect. I wondered if the 'chess' is the combination of the 'red' and the 'black' again a play on the colors of this board game? Or is it the movement of the feet that evokes this game? Perhaps if you could link this unusual and great image out more clearly your haiku would come into its own?

 

Needless to say Tink, my reading is just one of many and others may take a very different view.

 

 

I hope you will post more haiku.

 

Lovely to read you again. icon_biggrin.png

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi again Tony,

 

You've summed up the haiku requirement most succinctly - not tell but show. I suppose one could also add 'less is more' in haiku.

 

But can I just say that your feeling of 'battling' the November color, chill and rain is the very stuff of haiku so please don't be put off by my reading and discussing the rules of haiku.

 

I hope you will return with more haiku and the revised ones too.

 

Rather than my going on and on here's a few of Issa's autumn haiku:

 

autumn rain

reflects light

on cramped knees

 

(Issa's baby daughter died of small pox and many of his poems are about her):

 

autumn wind -

scarlet flowers my child

might well have picked

 

high on the hill

I cough

into autumn gust

 

 

Here's to more, Tony icon_cheers.png

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

In the haiku here, you seem to want to convey a sense of a deserted place and I can see how 'the master's gone' works in your eyes.
But the reader is not there with you to grasp this detail.
Therefore, you will have to bring out this detail a little more clearly. Could I ask - is this garden a neighbor's who has moved out? is it a garden you drove by with a "Sale' sign? Perhaps bringing these details in will make clearer your image of a deserted garden.

 

You are right, Golden. I remember somewhere you said "universal", if a reader can relate to what he reads then I think the poem has achieved something.

 

Well, that's a garden I often visit during my lunch break, which is beautiful in summer and there's always a girl working their,watering, weeding, planting... Now it's the end of autumn, the garden looks bleak and no where to see the girl.

 

goldenlangur wrote:

 

In my reworking of your haiku, I imagined a sense of missing someone - totally arbitrary - as this is not what you experienced.

 

I think your rewrite is very touching, universal I'd say. That's why I'll keep it for future reference.

 

Always appreciate your thoughts on my works.

 

Lake

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

Your first one is brilliant - love the juxtaposition between lines 2 and 3 - so vivid and well expressed! The delight in the final haiku is lovely! In the second haiku 'watching eyes' makes one ask: Whose? and How does this link with the 'geese overhead'? If you could make clearer this link, it would be fantastic.

 

 

Good food for thought, Golden. Help me to link watching eyes with flying geese.

 

'watching eyes', when I wrote it, they were my eyes; after it was written, I thought they can be anyone's eyes who watch. The geese fly away, leave the eyes behind, wondering. That's what I wanted to convey.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lake

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goldenlangur

Hello again Lake,

 

 

Yes, you're right about the 'universal resonance' that a haiku should hold for the readers, no matter what the poet describes - based on the Buddhist concept of the transience of human experience, which the haiku Masters called the wabi-sabi.

 

Thank you for getting back with more details about the garden in your haiku. Wonderful and with such poignant potential. If you're not offended, here's another go at your haiku, taking in the new details you've described:

 

 

just the chair and table

the blooms and gardener long gone -

November noon

 

Does this work? Does it convey what you felt and saw? L 2 has 8 syllables but overall the haiku still has 17 syllables. Perhaps you could even leave 'the' at the start of L2?

 

 

Just trying and always with the understanding that you're free to reject what I've done.

 

 

I'm enjoying this workshop very much. Thank you for sharing and for being so tolerant of my playing around with your haiku.

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Thank you Lake for the details. I will have a think and return:

 

Lake wrote:

'watching eyes', when I wrote it, they were my eyes; after it was written, I thought they can be anyone's eyes who watch. The geese fly away, leave the eyes behind, wondering. That's what I wanted to convey.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lake

 

But enjoying this very much icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi again Lake,

 

Had a wee think and here's my two-piece worth take-on of your haiku:

 

Lake wrote:

 

'watching eyes', when I wrote it, they were my eyes; after it was written, I thought they can be anyone's eyes who watch. The geese fly away, leave the eyes behind, wondering. That's what I wanted to convey.

 

Thanks again.

 

Lake

 

cries in the sky

geese overhead, how swiftly

they're gone!

 

The image and emotion you evoke in your haiku is very Issa-like. I'm not sure that my version does it any justice. Do feel free to bin it.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

just the chair and table

the blooms and gardener long gone -

November noon

 

cries in the sky

geese overhead, how swiftly

they're gone!

 

 

Thanks much, Golden! I love these two, they certainly make a big difference. All the images and meanings are packed into this short form and I feel something is injected into it, too, though I can't find a word to describe it. Maybe it is that epiphany?

 

If you don't mind, I'll save them in my haiku collection.

 

Much appreciation!

 

Lake

 

PS: Yes, I think "the" before "blooms" can go.

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goldenlangur

Hello Lake,

 

So delighted. icon_smile.gif

 

I love the clear images in the 'geese' haiku - including both sound and visual - you capture well the way one first hears and then sees and then's it's gone! Would you not say that in haiku simple contrasts of clear images works?

 

I hope you will cast a critical haiku eye over my posts too icon_smile.gif

 

The deletion of 'the' does seem appropriate. I wondered in your haiku about the 'garden' whether 'bench' instead of 'chair' would be better? 'bench' featured in your original post. Just a thought to consider or throw.

 

Hope to read many more of your haiku.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Tink,

 

Love your 'road to winter' here! 'The

rain slick asphalt'

shows a minutiae of detail, closely observed.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

car windscreen

I write your name

in frost

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Hi gl, Thanks for the support, I miss writing but struggle when I try. Haiku is a good reentry form.

 

I love the personal yet objective manner in which your last haiku is written. I like the surprise in the middle rather than at the end, it makes it all the more surprising.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

But can I just say that your feeling of 'battling' the November color, chill and rain is the very stuff of haiku so please don't be put off by my reading and discussing the rules of haiku.

I hope you will return with more haiku and the revised ones too.

Not put off at all, GL. I appreciate all the help and support. Thank you also for these gems from Issa:

 

autumn rain

reflects light

on cramped knees

 

autumn wind -

scarlet flowers my child

might well have picked

 

high on the hill

I cough

into autumn gust

 

The background information you provided, though sad, is helpful and inspiring in its own right. It illustrates how far-reaching a master craftsman's art can be: even when it draws from a personal tragedy, it has universal appeal, because it sheds light on the human condition .

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Thank you Tink for this thought :

 

Tinker wrote:

 

Haiku is a good reentry form.

 

~~Tink

 

and your thumbs-up for my haiku icon_smile.gif

 

Struggling to write is something I can relate to and the haiku has certainly helped me to keep going.

 

Lovely to read your post and hope you'll return with more icon_smile.gif

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

Much relieved and very glad indeed that my ramblings about the haiku form has not put you off icon_smile.gif

 

You're quite right about the way Issa's own personal tragedy made him aware of the sufferings of others - insects, birds, animals and strangers he met on his travels. With what genius he transmutes his own unhappy experiences (early death of mother and ill-treatment by step-mother and deaths of his children - none lived beyond the age of 2 - and of his wives) to an universal theme of suffering and compassion! He's truly inspirational!

 

How good to have this exchange with you. icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

bare trees

and the markets fall again -

morning radio

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

Hello friends. I was reading now all thread, because I was busy and didn't check earlier. I love how it goes this challenge and really it is a challenge. Golden I love the way how you run this topic, your loudly speaking and help. I am thankful to your efforts here on this topic and on all board. Here IT IS a lot to learn.

 

I can't be offended by any help GL. Really I missed the part to make my haikus stronger, without " telling " what I am not usually do. SO thank you for the remind that haiku should be more straight and powerful, and less lyrical - poetical.

 

So I accept your reviewing on my haikus, not ignoring at all.

Here is my opinion inspired by your help:

 

( I changed a little bit the order of the words again )

 

The autumn frost -

shadow in the window

and jewels on face.

 

November night -

a voiceless pain

and a prayer.

 

I will try again in this challenge. Thanks a lot GL and to you all who makes this thread richer.

 

And now are we have free choice of words, or there is another ones what I missed for going on, on this thread? icon_smile.gif

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Always a pleasure, Aleksandra to have exchanges in a forum icon_smile.gif though you say I'm

loudly speaking

icon_scratch.png

 

 

You've done a great reworking of your haiku. The only tiny point is the line

jewels on face

- how does this link to the other 2 lines in the haiku and again 'jewels' is a lyrical detail, which the reader should come to icon_idea.png without the poet telling.

 

So I wondered if this might work?:

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

the 'moon' bringing out both the shadow and the 'jewel' like image. I've used 'my face' because haiku requires a concrete reference.

 

 

As ever, Aleksandra, do please feel free to reject this point if you're happy with your haiku as it stands.

 

 

No more 'loudly speaking' from me, I promise icon_wink.gif

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra
Always a pleasure, Aleksandra to have exchanges in a forum icon_smile.gif though you say I'm
loudly speaking

icon_scratch.png

 

 

You've done a great reworking of your haiku. The only tiny point is the line

jewels on face

- how does this link to the other 2 lines in the haiku and again 'jewels' is a lyrical detail, which the reader should come to icon_idea.png without the poet telling.

 

So I wondered if this might work?:

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

the 'moon' bringing out both the shadow and the 'jewel' like image. I've used 'my face' because haiku requires a concrete reference.

 

 

As ever, Aleksandra, do please feel free to reject this point if you're happy with your haiku as it stands.

 

 

No more 'loudly speaking' from me, I promise icon_wink.gif

 

 

goldenlangur

 

icon_redface.gifGoldenlangur. I hope I didn't offended you. Don't give me that promise, because I love your loudly speaking. Maybe my expression is wrong, because of my English. With loud speaking I didn't mean in negative. I used like expression for your clearly explanations and very useful. I love when somebody explains in so good way, and make it clear and worth, to be heard and learned. So I am sorry I sounded bad and negative my friend.

 

About haiku. I missed that part about jewel. But now I got the point, again thanks to you.

 

Goldenlangur, thank you and once again, I am sorry if I sounded bad, still my English is not so good, or my eternal problem I want to translate my Macedonian expressions in English language - directly icon_redface.gif

 

autumn moon -

shadow in the window

and frost on my face

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hi again Aleksandra,

 

No offence taken and I'm relieved that it's just a linguistic tangle of words icon_smile.gif something I can well understand as we translate from our own language into English each time we write.

 

There's nothing wrong with your English. In fact that you write with such passion and feeling in English is most admirable!

 

I still hope that you will feel free to reject any suggestions I make about your haiku because often the reader is not privy to what the poet sees and feels and one extrapolates from what we read and can miss the poet's intention.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

How lovely the view from the window in this haiku icon_smile.gif Snow is such a clear image of winter.

 

Yes, your images work. The contrast between the steam and the 'snowflakes' is brought out well. Perhaps par it down a bit in the first line? And 'blazing' is metaphorical rather than an actual detail of the snowflakes? Perhaps you are describing the snowflakes coming thick and fast? Just a suggestion here:

 

steam blurs my window

I wipe it off –

snowflakes shower !

 

 

As ever, do trust yourself about what you want to capture in you haiku and do feel free to ignore my suggestion.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

And 'blazing' is metaphorical rather than an actual detail of the snowflakes? Perhaps you are describing the snowflakes coming thick and fast? Just a suggestion here:

 

steam blurs my window

I wipe it off –

snowflakes shower !

 

 

 

Hi Golden,

 

Thanks for reminding me of the essential elements in Haiku, which need to be revisited. Especially when they are discussed in one's own works, they are easy to be understood and remembered. I take your suggestion with no hesitation.

 

Thanks as always.

 

Lake

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Snow Variations

 

Revised

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

 

snowy wind -

sound of silk

tearing bare branches

 

 

fresh footprints

leading toward the woods

a deeper winter

 

 

quiet alarm clock

what’s the morning noise?

snow plow outside

 

Original

 

1

first snow

falls on

this still green grass

 

2

snow shatters

from an oak tree

a raven takes off

 

4

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

 

 

(I'm afraid, not much aha here. But anyway...)

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

You've been out and about with a haiku eye icon_smile.gif It's exciting when one begins to see things this way icon_smile.gif

 

 

Love the unexpected touch in your third haiku - wind and silk - a great image! Suggests a contrasts of textures and that sense of something coming to light in the juxtaposition of the images.

 

Your powers of contrasting images and evoking moments of poignant reflections are superb. For instance, in this haiku:

 

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

I love the ambiguity you bring to where the fresh footprints might be going to. Would you mind including another image in the second line to enhance this?:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the hedge -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the pond -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the woods -

a deeper winter

 

(Here the hedge/ pond/woods/ deeper winter open up the haiku to possible interpretations enhancing its impact on the reader and giving that aha sense)

 

In this haiku the suddenness of the raven's flight in juxtaposition to the stillness of the snow-covered oak is wonderful! Also a great contrasts of white/snow and black/raven. This use of concrete images to suggest colours and contrasts is the very essence of haiku. Truly great, Lake!:

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

The only tiny detail is perhaps you don't need tree here?

 

 

Your first haiku is an excellent observation of the scene. Would a little rejigging of the lines bring out its effect?

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

(Rejigging gives you short-long-short lines).

 

 

 

Your final haiku is perfect.

 

 

As always, Lake, please do feel free to ignore these suggestions, if you feel that these do not convey your intent.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your haiku experience. I've enjoyed this very, very much. icon_smile.gif

 

 

 

 

 

goldelangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

Your powers of contrasting images and evoking moments of poignant reflections are superb. For instance, in this haiku:

 

fresh footprints

leading toward

a deeper winter

 

I love the ambiguity you bring to where the fresh footprints might be going to. Would you mind i
ncluding another image in the second line to enhance this?:

fresh footprints

leading to the hedge -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the pond -

a deeper winter

 

Or:

 

fresh footprints

leading to the woods -

a deeper winter

 

(Here the
hedge/ pond/woods/ deeper winter
open up the haiku to possible interpretations enhancing its impact on the reader and giving that
aha
sense)

 

Excellent addition here, Golden. All the three options work, hard to choose. However, I'll take 'woods' which has a far-reaching sense.

 

In this haiku the suddenness of the raven's flight in juxtaposition to the stillness of the snow-covered oak is wonderful! Also a great contrasts of white/snow and black/raven. This use of concrete images to suggest colours and contrasts is the very essence of haiku. Truly great, Lake!:

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

The only tiny detail is perhaps you don't need
tree
here?

 

You are right, 'tree' is a bit redundant.

 

Your first haiku is an excellent observation of the scene. Would a little rejigging of the lines bring out its effect?

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

(Rejigging gives you
short-long-short
lines).

 

Very skillful play of the lines and that does bring out the effect, and the lines look much better now.

 

As always, Golden, thank you very much for your contribution to my haiku!

 

Lake

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Aleksandra

Lake wrote:

 

Snow Variations

 

falling

on this still green grass

first snow

 

 

snow shatters

from an oak

a raven takes off

 

 

snowy wind -

sound of silk

tearing bare branches

 

 

fresh footprints

leading toward the woods

a deeper winter

 

 

quiet alarm clock

what’s the morning noise?

snow plow outside

 

 

(I'm afraid, not much aha here. But anyway...)

 

Lake I just read something about haiku, and I can see in yours haiku poems exactly that what I read, using of clear imageries, as goldenlangur was saying to me / us icon_smile.gif. I admire you how yours haiku makes sense. I must learn more from you guys.

 

Well done Lake.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Alek,

 

Thanks for your complement. Your haiku are also unique. We learn from each other.

 

Do we still continue in this winter haiku?

 

the north wind

whips snow across the prairie

a silver dune

 

charity bell

rings soundless to

the Christmas shoppers

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