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JoelJosol
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--- revision ---

If she knew about these images

he keeps of her,

 

in his mental vault

collected from the day they met,

 

and if he would give her access

to view each one showing

 

her Asian hair, its entire length

glazed with fluorescent light

 

or her skin, light colored, unblemished

pressed against a mound, rough and brown

 

or her slender fingers holding on

to a coffee cup, made of paper, black

 

or her cheeks, powdered pink, and rising

or her lips, red lipsticked, and glistening

 

would she wonder whether he ever

looked away?

 

 

--- original ---

If she knew

about the images he keeps of her

 

in his mental vault

secured by password

 

collected from the day they met

and from all the times he gazed at her

 

and if he would give her access

to view each one

 

recognizing in each

the boat, the mound, or desk, her dress,

 

the shadows, their length, opacity

her cheeks, the right or left

 

then she would wonder whether

he ever looked away.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Very nice expressed Joel. Wonderful flowing. It is so lovely and nice written on the end. I like it so much.

 

Thank you Joel, for your join and welcome again at the site. I am happy for sharing your poetry again.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Wow Joel, This is every woman's dream poem.

 

I especially liked these next lines because of the multitude of images they create.

 

the shadows, their length, opacity

her cheeks, the right or left

 

I loved it. ~~ Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Thank you, Sandra and Tink, for your appreciation. It is indeed a woman's poem.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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One of your best yet, Joel. It's impressively written as one complete, complex sentence.

 

I have to concur with the ladies. It flows well and (I'm sure) has the capacity to win their hearts.

 

It's your poem, but I would leave this one alone. As a man, I'm jealous that I can't claim it as my own!

 

Tony :D

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Excellent !

 

 

Hello JoelJoso,

 

It's been a while since I've read your work and I note how mellow your voice is now. You use striking, concrete images which give your poem impact.

 

 

goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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I enhanced it to show the sort of images kept so the reader can concur with the Narrator.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Hi Joel, I almost missed this, I really liked your first version but the 2nd is far more vivid, beautifully written. I wouldn't have believed the poem could have been improved on. But you did, the first pales in comparison with the revision. WOW~

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Thanks, Tink, for acknowledging the improvement.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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