JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 --- revision --- If she knew about these images he keeps of her, in his mental vault collected from the day they met, and if he would give her access to view each one showing her Asian hair, its entire length glazed with fluorescent light or her skin, light colored, unblemished pressed against a mound, rough and brown or her slender fingers holding on to a coffee cup, made of paper, black or her cheeks, powdered pink, and rising or her lips, red lipsticked, and glistening would she wonder whether he ever looked away? --- original --- If she knew about the images he keeps of her in his mental vault secured by password collected from the day they met and from all the times he gazed at her and if he would give her access to view each one recognizing in each the boat, the mound, or desk, her dress, the shadows, their length, opacity her cheeks, the right or left then she would wonder whether he ever looked away. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Very nice expressed Joel. Wonderful flowing. It is so lovely and nice written on the end. I like it so much. Thank you Joel, for your join and welcome again at the site. I am happy for sharing your poetry again. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Wow Joel, This is every woman's dream poem. I especially liked these next lines because of the multitude of images they create. the shadows, their length, opacityher cheeks, the right or left I loved it. ~~ Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thank you, Sandra and Tink, for your appreciation. It is indeed a woman's poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 One of your best yet, Joel. It's impressively written as one complete, complex sentence. I have to concur with the ladies. It flows well and (I'm sure) has the capacity to win their hearts. It's your poem, but I would leave this one alone. As a man, I'm jealous that I can't claim it as my own! Tony :D Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Excellent ! Hello JoelJoso, It's been a while since I've read your work and I note how mellow your voice is now. You use striking, concrete images which give your poem impact. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 I enhanced it to show the sort of images kept so the reader can concur with the Narrator. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Hi Joel, I almost missed this, I really liked your first version but the 2nd is far more vivid, beautifully written. I wouldn't have believed the poem could have been improved on. But you did, the first pales in comparison with the revision. WOW~ ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks, Tink, for acknowledging the improvement. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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