JoelJosol Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 (edited) -------- revision ---------------- What if I were thirsty and 7-11 ran out of styro cups? what will hold the overflow of words, stinging to the ears? This is an escalation of the weather's status. In Manila, a government man aimed his thermometer gun To those out in the sun too long. It's laser hit a forehead. But this is not Iran where standing up could fetch a stray bullet from a hostile sky. Get out into this rain, umbrella-less, to be counted as ex-warm bodies under this red-shifting sky. If I were in Boston, I would say, 'The snow has mixed with mud'. --------- original -------------- If I were in Boston, I would say, 'The snow has melted, mixing with mud'. But I am in Manila. What if I were thirsty and there is no oasis nearby? or Seven-Eleven ran out of bottled drinks and styro foam cups? and instead, my morning is filled with an overflowing heap of words, steaming and stinging, to the ears? Could this be an escalation of the weather's status? These days, it is difficult to find a friendly sky. One time I was out in the sun too long, a government agent got suspicious. He pointed his high-tech thermometer gun, laser-enabled, at my forehead. Principle of preemptive strike. But, this is not Iran. I am not supposed to fall and get sick. Travel-restricted, I miss the friendly skies. NOTE: I finally found time to post here. I will catch up with my feedback and comments very soon. Edited July 7, 2009 by JoelJosol Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 A contemporary sonnet of sorts, Joel. I enjoyed the compare and contrast and the "that was then, this is now" feel I got from it. I was in Boston today. I'm not sure if you have Seven-Eleven where you are, but you have MANILA BAY. I liked this one a lot. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 JJ, A thoughtful response to Empire- truly the expression of the Global in the Local. Love it! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thank you, Tony and DC. I love that picture of Manila Bay in an eclipse. Rare. I did some revision to strengthen the other half of the poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I re-structured the poem and cut down the wordy lines. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 The new version- is tight- much clearer and conveys meaning directly and without hestaition. Well done! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Hi JoelJosol, The edited version works well. I like this very much: Get out into this rain, umbrella-less, to be counted goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Wonderful poem Joel. Good revision too. The first one sounds more narrative, but the second one is right on its place. The restruction is good, but I must say that I like both ways. I like so much here: If I were in Boston, I would say, 'The snow has mixed with mud'. I love how it looks like the end of the poem, but also I like a lot as the beginning too. Well done. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Thank you too, 'Sandra. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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