summayya Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 among the empty clouds that hover above this house, life sulks about the nakedness of gross realities, bothering a fatal hope that slides into the wide horizon beside the yellow sun. PS: Haven't written something for ages. So excuse me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 hi summayah, this was very nice. i enjoyed reading it. i think this is a perfect poem. i loved the opening line one and it leads into beautiful thoughts pondering grey areas of life. victor ps. how is married life. i miss my ex even though she left me. i really loved her despite the pain and horror she gave me. i believe god/allah honor's marriages. i don't believe in divorce tho my ex divorced me. i believe i can't marry again or it is considered adultery. if i say to much more i might break the forum rules on conduct of preaching a religion. pm me if you have religious convictions because i do have more to say on this subject but it is mostly religious stuff i was going to talk about. im just curious is all. Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 A welcome addition Sum- Definitely more than a sum of its parts. Marvelous! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Hi Summaya, This poem is so sad. I think the sadness is deepear because the sun is shining and yet life hides in the empty clouds. Hope should never be fatal, it is just the beginning of living... there is pain here but there is the wide horizon, a lot of space where much can happen. Never let hope die. I've missed you. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Hello summayya, So much said in a few words and such melancholy you evoke in this poem: the nakedness of gross realities, bothering a fatal hope that slides into the wide horizon beside the yellow sun. The desolateness of the place mirrored in the rain-less clouds. Beautiful and you have not lost your touch. I hope you will write more. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I agree with others Summayya. This is wonderful write, and maybe you don't write much lately but still you write with poetry passion. Your work is missed around, and yes the hope can't die ever. Hope you are well, and pls do write more. Alek. Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Hi Summayya ... and welcome back! This poem has a gentle twilight feel (even if the sun is high in the sky!) but the central line is the necessary pivot for the opening and for the end, and I'm afraid ... the nakedness of gross realities, doesn't work: I think it's the "gross realities" bit that jars. This line is the one that holds the poem together and it has to be precise, exact, and totally accurate: it has to be the best line in the poem. I'm not nit-picking or fussing about details. If you look at the poem again I think you will see what I am trying to say: this is the essential line that connects the start to the finish and what you have now is OK, but only OK ... not as good as it should be to really make the poem sing. Criticism is sometimes misunderstood as just taking a negative or dismissive view of other people's work. I know this certainly happens ... I've experienced quite a lot of it myself!! ... but what I have in mind here is more supportive and creative, the notion that a friendly idea or suggestion can help an artist turn something already good into something better! Best wishes, Brendan/ dedalus Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Hi Summayya, Sorry I'm just getting to this now. I know you posted it a while back. I love the opening lines, but I tend to agree with Ded about the gross realities. I would leave that line out. At that point, I would like to know more, just a little more, about why life sulks. Perhaps something more concrete tying it in to the yellow sun and wide horizon. If my words are too "pressing," please disregard them. :D Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summayya Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Thanks everyone for the read and comments. As for criticism Dedlus its always welcome. And I think I understand what you mean. Lets see what comes up. Thanks a million! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.