Status quo in the sky

[goldenlangur]

Status quo in the sky (2nd version with thanks to DC)

 

 

Tonight, the status quo in the sky –

 

Venus trails the waning moon to the east,

 

Scorpio's tail still swings in the west.

 

Mortals – seekers, searchers

 

If you could remap the astral universe

 

What would it be?

 

Would you emboss red Mars

with life-hugging moss

 

Could you stall

Scorpio's pursuit of Orion?

 

Would you renew this tired earth

with light from Saturn's rings?

 

Could you play tunes

from nebulous Neptune,

 

Soothe this un-sleeping mind?

 

 

 

Original version:

 

Status quo in the sky

 

 

Tonight, the status quo in the sky –

 

Venus trails the waning moon to the east,

 

Scorpio's tail still swings in the west.

 

Mortals – seekers, searchers

 

If you could remap the astral universe

 

What will it be?

 

Would you emboss red Mars

with life-hugging moss

 

Could you stall

Scorpio's pursuit of Orion?

 

Would you renew this tired earth

with light from Saturn's rings?

 

Could you play tunes

from nebulous Neptune,

 

Soothe this un-sleeping mind?

Edited September 22, 2009 by goldenlangur

[dr_con]

A remarkable reflection the hypnagogic approach of the self to the entire see-able cosmos. Well constructed- fantastic ending line- very enjoyable- The only line I hesitated at was:

What will it be?

I thing what would it be? is better, but on review I can't say for sure- Maybe What would we see? To emphasize the visual impact- Pondering......

 

Do as you will- Its good from beginning to end just a momentary 'hiccup' in my pre-caffeine brain;-)

 

 

DC

[goldenlangur]

Thank you DC for a thoughtful read. I've edited this poem and made a 2nd version with your suggested alternative: What would it be?

 

 

Appreciate this close reading - very grateful for any help to improve my writing.

[Aleksandra]

Good job with the review and changing on will to would. This is much different from you goldenlangur. If I didn't read this poem I would never believe that I can find you in this subject :). Wonderful experiment with your sense as a writer.

I like your elastic style.

 

Thank you for sharing - much enjoyed my friend.

 

Aleksandra

[tonyv]

I saw the best sky last night, Golden. It was crisp and cold, and the constellations glimmered, making me think of this poem. So much here appeals to me. The title -- Status quo in the sky -- and the rest of it all seem to say, "All is well in the universe." The last line seems to throw that sentiment a bit, but not to my context's detriment: an "un-sleeping mind" can be a good thing. There's a sublimity in this status quo.

 

Tony

[Tinker]

Hi GL, This is so different for you, more ethereal, other worldly. It was a nice change and I enjoyed watching the stars through your eyes.

 

I am an avid star watcher. Since I live in a rural area without the competition of city lights, I watch the stars through my bedroom window as I lie in bed everynight unless the sky is overcast. (My bedroom is 2 stories up and without close neighbors I need not draw blinds for privacy. I don't even have window covering in that room. My bed faces corner windows 4'X6' each... so it is almost like sleeping outside, we designed it that way. And on hot nights I have often gone out onto my back deck to sleep beneath the stars. ) I have studied the constellations a little but it never sticks, I just know I feel at peace when blanketed by stars. Night before last it was a crescent moon so the stars were particularly bright in the dark sky. Because of the unusual heat I was outside watering plants at 10 PM and watching the stars. Last night the fog rolled in off the Pacific and no stars were to be seen so it was nice to read your poem today and remember.

 

~~Tink

[goldenlangur]

Hello Aleksandra,

 

Oh, but the night sky is one of my favorites :

 

If I didn't read this poem I would never believe that I can find you in this subject :)

 

 

I too like the edit.

 

Thank you for your kind words about my efforts to write a little more widely.

[goldenlangur]

Hi Tony,

 

 

Sublimity in the status quo

and the rewards of an un-sleeping mind- I like how you've read this very much.

 

 

This definitely strikes a chord - a fellow sky-watcher!:

I saw the best sky last night, Golden. It was crisp and cold, and the constellations glimmered,

 

Tony

 

 

Thank you very much.

[goldenlangur]

Hi GL, This is so different for you, more ethereal, other worldly. It was a nice change and I enjoyed watching the stars through your eyes.

 

That is lovely, Tink.

 

I am an avid star watcher. Since I live in a rural area without the competition of city lights, I watch the stars through my bedroom window as I lie in bed everynight unless the sky is overcast. (My bedroom is 2 stories up and without close neighbors I need not draw blinds for privacy. I don't even have window covering in that room. My bed faces corner windows 4'X6' each... so it is almost like sleeping outside, we designed it that way. And on hot nights I have often gone out onto my back deck to sleep beneath the stars. )

 

How lucky you are! I often walk in the fields.

 

I have studied the constellations a little but it never sticks, I just know I feel at peace when blanketed by stars. Night before last it was a crescent moon so the stars were particularly bright in the dark sky. Because of the unusual heat I was outside watering plants at 10 PM and watching the stars. Last night the fog rolled in off the Pacific and no stars were to be seen

 

You describe wonderfully the inspiration and peace of star-watching. I think the constellations in the northern hemisphere are the same across the seas :icon_sunny: So next time I go star-watching I shall think of you - of course your nights and our nights will be different.

 

so it was nice to read your poem today and remember.

 

So glad that my little piece brought you memories of your own star-watching.

 

 

 

Thank you.

Edited September 30, 2009 by goldenlangur