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Poetry Magnum Opus

Japan, 1932


dedalus
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It was Hakone

 

at the Fuji-ya Hotel

 

old and dark and grand

 

 

 

that I first met you

 

fresh in your new kimono

 

soft wisteria

 

 

 

when I said my name

 

of a sudden embarrassed

 

you had caught my eye

 

 

 

and I looked away

 

my father from behind me

 

clapped my back and said

 

 

 

such a pretty girl

 

she has hips she'll give you sons

 

and my face went red

 

 

 

and your face went pink

 

and you looked to me for help

 

and I thought OK

 

 

 

I'll marry this girl

 

I know she doesn't love me

 

nor do I love her

 

 

 

but we'll have children

 

and love will grow between us

 

long before we die

Edited by dedalus

Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

loved it. never seen haiku in this style. much enjoyed read. loved the style. it had rhythm, flowed, well-thoughtout, and well written. thanks!!!

 

larsen aka victor michael

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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  • 3 weeks later...

dedalus,

 

I enjoy how you used Haiku form to deliver a story. And it is indeed happiness against the odds.

There is honesty in the penultimate stanza but you will marry each other nontheless and do well as said in the last stanza in which I see how the tradition works.

 

All the best,

 

Lake

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Wonderfully conceived, but why not omit the haiku-like burden in the ?title? Being reasonably close to the 5/7/5 syllable count model in the stanzas is not enough to merit that apellation, nor does that enhance an otherwise already very good poem.

Edited by waxwings
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