Bloodyday Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 This morning, the cloud was not so black, That’s why it didn’t drizzle so much. I stood on the balcony to watch your smile, But you still didn’t wake up! Do you have both any connection Neither to rain heavy Nor to show your smile for free? I better kiss the cigarette To have some nicotine in my brain. Otherwise the whole day I might be spoiled like insane! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) Hi RoNy, I can't help thinking how soulful this would sound as a ghazal Shariry. It has that same interplay of contrasts and opposites to suggest longing and unfulfilled love, particularly here: Neither to rain heavy Nor to show your smile for free? Pyar ke pagalpan mein - is the lingering thought here. Thank you. Edited October 17, 2009 by goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 I agree with Goldenlangur. The part about the smile being "for free" is significant. I also like this: I better kiss the cigarette To have some nicotine in my brain. It's clear that the poet is doing many things in his daily life (besides writing verse) as he tries to cope with his sadness. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Wonderful one from you again. Rony you was in silence some time and look at you now :). Seems the writer block if you had was helpful for you :). This is wonderful expressed poem. I am impressed. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I like the stark real images- The simple description of a moment and its consequences leading to a complex emotive stance. The grammar could use a little polishing but otherwise a fine, fine piece! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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