January

[tonyv]

Minus eleven. Drifts osmose the glare
of the Wolf Moon. The windows are live coals
of someone else's blaze. Under the oak,
I think of eyes and hands. A windless chill.
Smoke from her hearth hangs still in the plum sky.

_______________________________
FULL MOON NAMES AND THEIR MEANINGS
and inspiring IMAGE

[goldenlangur]

Hi Tony,

 

This version is very accomplished. Love the terseness and the way you've made each word count. Such powerful imagery here:

 

...A windless chill.

Smoke from her hearth hangs still in the plum sky.

_______________________________

 

plum sky is superb!

 

So glad that you posted this rewrite.

[Aleksandra]

Tony I love this poem. You did a wonderful job. This is what I want to read from you :) . It's rich with metaphors and wonderful expressions and imagery. It's direct, lapidary, strong, poetical and cute.

 

This part has perfect imagery:

 

Drifts osmose the glare

of the Wolf Moon.

 

It reminds me of the card that you sent to me " Knee Deep " similar to this one here: KNEE DEEP

Then this part is also perfect:

 

The windows are live coals

of someone else's blaze.

 

The first line Minus eleven and then the one right before the end - A windless chill make a good balance in the poem. You wrote a wonderful blank verse poem, a really good meter.

 

The plum sky is brilliant. I am happy to see all these metaphors in one poem Tony.

 

I love the imagination which is coming under the oak tree too.

 

Tony you turned this poem into a real metaphorical treasure. You are so good, you know that? :) .

 

Thanks for this amazing piece by you.

 

Aleksandra

[dr_con]

Tony a fantastic piece re-written or not. Sharp clear iamges- a wrap around moment carved from the infinite string....

 

Many Thanks (coldly;-)

 

DC&J

[JoelJosol]

I like this piece, Tony, because every phrase is a discovery for the reader.

[tonyv]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind replies. I'm reasonably pleased with the outcome of this revision. I tried to find the original -- I think it's around somewhere -- but have not been able to locate it. If I do, I'll add it in the thread for comparison's sake.

 

Goldenlangur, your remarks are always encouraging:

 

This version is very accomplished. Love the terseness and the way you've made each word count.

I would have characterized this as "somewhat competent." "Accomplished" is very flattering. :D And the terseness of the poem was indeed noticeable to me. I wasn't sure if it worked, so I'm glad that it does.

 

Alek, thank you for your sophisticated, in-depth remarks.

 

It's rich with metaphors and wonderful expressions and imagery. It's direct, lapidary, strong, poetical and cute ...

 

The first line Minus eleven and then the one right before the end - A windless chill make a good balance in the poem. You wrote a wonderful blank verse poem, a really good meter.

I especially appreciate how you noticed the connection between the expressions in the first and penultimate lines.

 

Dr. Con, thanks for catching the "wrap-around moment":

 

Tony a fantastic piece re-written or not. Sharp clear iamges- a wrap around moment carved from the infinite string....

 

Many Thanks (coldly;-)

I like when it comes out that way, though I'm not sure if it's a conscious effort or something from the deeper (un)limits of the subconscious mind. Sending some New England winter chill the S.F. way ...

 

Joel, I'm glad you liked it.

 

I like this piece, Tony, because every phrase is a discovery for the reader.

I'm glad all the phrases work. I think it's particularly important that they all count in a poem this short.

 

Again, all ... thank you!

 

Tony