tonyv Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Minus eleven. Drifts osmose the glare of the Wolf Moon. The windows are live coals of someone else's blaze. Under the oak, I think of eyes and hands. A windless chill. Smoke from her hearth hangs still in the plum sky. _______________________________FULL MOON NAMES AND THEIR MEANINGS and inspiring IMAGE Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Hi Tony, This version is very accomplished. Love the terseness and the way you've made each word count. Such powerful imagery here: ...A windless chill.Smoke from her hearth hangs still in the plum sky. _______________________________ plum sky is superb! So glad that you posted this rewrite. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Tony I love this poem. You did a wonderful job. This is what I want to read from you :) . It's rich with metaphors and wonderful expressions and imagery. It's direct, lapidary, strong, poetical and cute. This part has perfect imagery: Drifts osmose the glareof the Wolf Moon. It reminds me of the card that you sent to me " Knee Deep " similar to this one here: KNEE DEEP Then this part is also perfect: The windows are live coalsof someone else's blaze. The first line Minus eleven and then the one right before the end - A windless chill make a good balance in the poem. You wrote a wonderful blank verse poem, a really good meter. The plum sky is brilliant. I am happy to see all these metaphors in one poem Tony. I love the imagination which is coming under the oak tree too. Tony you turned this poem into a real metaphorical treasure. You are so good, you know that? :) . Thanks for this amazing piece by you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Tony a fantastic piece re-written or not. Sharp clear iamges- a wrap around moment carved from the infinite string.... Many Thanks (coldly;-) DC&J Quote thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I like this piece, Tony, because every phrase is a discovery for the reader. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 Thank you, everyone, for your kind replies. I'm reasonably pleased with the outcome of this revision. I tried to find the original -- I think it's around somewhere -- but have not been able to locate it. If I do, I'll add it in the thread for comparison's sake. Goldenlangur, your remarks are always encouraging: This version is very accomplished. Love the terseness and the way you've made each word count. I would have characterized this as "somewhat competent." "Accomplished" is very flattering. :D And the terseness of the poem was indeed noticeable to me. I wasn't sure if it worked, so I'm glad that it does. Alek, thank you for your sophisticated, in-depth remarks. It's rich with metaphors and wonderful expressions and imagery. It's direct, lapidary, strong, poetical and cute ... The first line Minus eleven and then the one right before the end - A windless chill make a good balance in the poem. You wrote a wonderful blank verse poem, a really good meter. I especially appreciate how you noticed the connection between the expressions in the first and penultimate lines. Dr. Con, thanks for catching the "wrap-around moment": Tony a fantastic piece re-written or not. Sharp clear iamges- a wrap around moment carved from the infinite string.... Many Thanks (coldly;-) I like when it comes out that way, though I'm not sure if it's a conscious effort or something from the deeper (un)limits of the subconscious mind. Sending some New England winter chill the S.F. way ... Joel, I'm glad you liked it. I like this piece, Tony, because every phrase is a discovery for the reader. I'm glad all the phrases work. I think it's particularly important that they all count in a poem this short. Again, all ... thank you! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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