jondan Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Photo on the Wall I see your photo on the wall, (black and white). but still I see... the colour of your smile, I wish I'd known you way back then, been your friend. But all I was... was just a tear drop in your eye. I see your photo on the wall, (black and white). I still see... the sparkle in your eyes. If I'd known you way back then, been your friend. I'd tell you... Every things going to be alright. David T Smith Copyright 9th August 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 i really liked this david. i think you could add allot more if you wanted to. victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 Hi David, I like the idea behind this poem. I also like the shape of it. If this were mine, I would try to introduce L2 of each stanza in a smoother manner... (black and white) as you wrote it is choppy to my ear. This is just my opinion. I also wrote a poem about a black and white photo on a wall On the Way to the Ladies Room which I had to rewrite about a gagillian times. Lake too has a wonderful poem about a photo in black and white but right now I can't find it. I liked the simplicity of this piece and the fact that you didn't try to explain it. ~~ Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jondan Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 i really liked this david. i think you could add allot more if you wanted to. victor Hi Victor, I gues this is still a work in progress, I wrote it as a song, and I need a chorus, Thank you for your review...Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jondan Posted November 12, 2009 Author Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hi David, I like the idea behind this poem. I also like the shape of it. If this were mine, I would try to introduce L2 of each stanza in a smoother manner... (black and white) as you wrote it is choppy to my ear. This is just my opinion. I also wrote a poem about a black and white photo on a wall On the Way to the Ladies Room which I had to rewrite about a gagillian times. Lake too has a wonderful poem about a photo in black and white but right now I can't find it. I liked the simplicity of this piece and the fact that you didn't try to explain it. ~~ Tink Hi Tink, thank you for your review, These are song lyrics to a work in progress so you would have to hear the tune to feel the flow...Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Hi Victor, I gues this is still a work in progress, I wrote it as a song, and I need a chorus, I agree with you David. This can be much better. It definitely has potential. I have a hard time also when I want to turn a lyric into a poem :) . By the way, belated welcome to the board from me. I am glad to meet you and read your poetry. I hope you are having a nice time around. Thank you for sharing your poetry with us. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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