JoelJosol Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 In the age of Tiger Woods, cars hit trees from loss of direction. But loss is a not an action word. It is about now not later. Late arrivals disorient movements, eyes follow the shifting sound Like hound dogs. They can search and kill with nuclear payload. This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came, they were deserted. The destruction is just formalities. So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouth with a kiss. Very pacifist, muffling dissent with affectation. When you come to, try hard to peer into the heavy floating dust. I recognize myself, organized and structured like a poem. She does not bother with meanings or intentions. The familiarity of words is an enough welcome. Come is such a risky four-letter word. I ask, Is our adventure so far profitable? Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Good!!! But you might want to pay attention to tones and shades, to watch your line lengths. May I offer a few mild suggestions? You can later compare them with the original. In the age of Tiger Woods, cars hit trees from loss of direction. But loss is a not an action word. It is about now not later. Late arrivals disorient movements, eyes follow the shifting sound Like hound dogs. They can search and kill with neutral hostility. This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came, they were deserted. The destruction is just a formality. So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouth with a kiss. Muffle dissent, Pacifist, with false affection. When you come to, peer into the heavy floating dust. I recognize myself: organized, structured like a poem. She does not bother with meanings or intentions. The familiarity of words is enough welcome. Come is such a risky four-letter word. I ask if our adventure, so far, is profitable? Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 I will note your feedback, dedalus. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 I will note your feedback, dedalus. OK, note, file away ... but in the end always trust your own judgement! Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Kept my interest JJ, the shift in focus from the world to the individual, the outside to the inside, that struggle to find meaning and meaning in words. homes/drones had a cold echo badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 JJ, A wonderful wistful piece- harsh in its assessment of our current reality but with an underlying humanism that is almost hopeful in the face of the great lies of corporatism and capitalism- the last line sent a delightful chill up my spine- very "Shock Doctrine" meets "Rumi" ;-) One suggestion- this line was awkward (in my read): The familiarity of words is an enough welcome Rather. maybe better: The familiarity of words is enough of a welcome Many Thanks! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Joel, this is a wonderful poem. You are making a good anniversary collection of poems. I like how you are rolling out this poem. I read it many times. Thank you for the enjoyable read. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Hi Joel, I love your opening lines! I started reading and thought, now why didn't I think of that? It was like light bulbs flashing... that is what poetry is to me. The imagery sets off flash bulbs and the reader sees it so clearly. You have a real gift for doing that for me. I want to study Brendan's version next to yours. I have always respected your mastery of rhythm and sound within your lines, with this poe being no exception. But I also know Brendan to be a master of the art as well so I am intrigued by his commentary and I think there will be value in the comparison. I do agree that L12 "The familiarity of words is an enough welcome." is smoother and makes more sense to me without the "an" before "enough". Happy Anniversary! 24 years, almost a quarter of a century... Congratulation. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 I, too, liked homes/drones, Joel: This is the era of abandoned homes. Before the drones came,they were deserted. The destruction is just formalities. The lines had a chilling effect that carried over nicely to the following couplet: So, to keep one's sanity intact, shut a partner's mouthwith a kiss. Very pacifist, muffling dissent with affection. A superb occasional poem. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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