tonyv Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 What should I tell his mom? He went under the ice this morning. Well, okay, I'm not exactly sure he went under the ice -- my back was turned -- but when I turned around, he was gone. Emergency services, mom? What would they do, use telepathy to find him? Okay, I guess they could have broken the ice with equipment, or sent down divers or at least a camera. Time to call my aunt. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted March 5, 2010 Share Posted March 5, 2010 Hi Tony, How Raymond Carver-like in tone! Wonderfully clear and yet intriguing scenario that leaves the reader with an imprint of of various possibilities. The first person narrative gives it a dark timbre and an immediacy which is quite chilling. I enjoyed this very much even if I got the intent wrong. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Thank you, Goldenlangur, for the kind, perceptive reply. I'm excited to report that this was actually from a dream I had the other night. It's the first time that has happened with me. Well, it happened maybe one or two other times, but I didn't harness the moment and write down the dream(s). Thus, they ended up forgotten. I'm pleased that the first person narrative came across the way it did. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 Tony, you have crazy dreams, even you don't many. But when you do, it's a long story that happens in a few seconds... I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. I don't know some other line when you have direct speech to the mom?! Otherwise it's all set. Short and interesting. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 14, 2010 Author Share Posted November 14, 2010 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Hi Tony. I like this because there is so much unsaid for the reader to wonder about. I wonder if you would consider expanding this, at least into more than flash fiction? There are characters to be developed here, some of them not so nice. Enjoyed a lot. fdh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Hi Tony. I like this because there is so much unsaid for the reader to wonder about. I wonder if you would consider expanding this, at least into more than flash fiction? There are characters to be developed here, some of them not so nice. Enjoyed a lot. fdh Thanks, Franklin. It really was just a brief dream I had. I'm not so sure I'm enough of a writer to develop it; I have a hard enough time writing a poem longer than a few lines, lol. As for "some of them not so nice," I liked that a lot! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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