tonyv Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 What should I tell his mom? He went under the ice this morning. Well, okay, I'm not exactly sure he went under the ice -- my back was turned -- but when I turned around, he was gone. Emergency services, mom? What would they do, use telepathy to find him? Okay, I guess they could have broken the ice with equipment, or sent down divers or at least a camera. Time to call my aunt. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
goldenlangur Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Hi Tony, How Raymond Carver-like in tone! Wonderfully clear and yet intriguing scenario that leaves the reader with an imprint of of various possibilities. The first person narrative gives it a dark timbre and an immediacy which is quite chilling. I enjoyed this very much even if I got the intent wrong. Thank you. Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.
tonyv Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Thank you, Goldenlangur, for the kind, perceptive reply. I'm excited to report that this was actually from a dream I had the other night. It's the first time that has happened with me. Well, it happened maybe one or two other times, but I didn't harness the moment and write down the dream(s). Thus, they ended up forgotten. I'm pleased that the first person narrative came across the way it did. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
Aleksandra Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Tony, you have crazy dreams, even you don't many. But when you do, it's a long story that happens in a few seconds... I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. I don't know some other line when you have direct speech to the mom?! Otherwise it's all set. Short and interesting. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia
tonyv Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
fdelano Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Hi Tony. I like this because there is so much unsaid for the reader to wonder about. I wonder if you would consider expanding this, at least into more than flash fiction? There are characters to be developed here, some of them not so nice. Enjoyed a lot. fdh Quote
tonyv Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 I like this prose piece, and I was wondering if there is another way to make this, in a different structure. Perhaps a poem, Alek? Thank you for checking this out. Tony :) Hi Tony. I like this because there is so much unsaid for the reader to wonder about. I wonder if you would consider expanding this, at least into more than flash fiction? There are characters to be developed here, some of them not so nice. Enjoyed a lot. fdh Thanks, Franklin. It really was just a brief dream I had. I'm not so sure I'm enough of a writer to develop it; I have a hard enough time writing a poem longer than a few lines, lol. As for "some of them not so nice," I liked that a lot! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
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