Lake Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) Loving the Rituals We stand face to face. Our eyes talk. Again, I press it gently in your hand, you give me a most tender smile. This intimacy, this mother-daughter relationship well wrapped in the red envelope grows stronger as years grow longer. Line breaks by waxwings We stand face to face. Our eyes talk. Again, I press it gently in your hand, you give me a most tender smile. This intimacy, this mother-daughter relationship, well wrapped in the red envelope, grows stronger as years grow longer. . Edited April 4, 2010 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 This is a wonderfully simple and heartfelt poem. I would like to make a suggestion. A most unanimous suggestion by numerous noted poets I have met believe that line breaks are a most crucial element for separation of images, especially so in 'free verse' or 'open form' poems. The main tenet is that the last word of a line should preferably be a noun and/or verb. Some call them strong words, but I do not agree. Ending a line w/conjunction or preposition should be done carefully, as should be the splitting of certain phrases/multi-word ideas. I think the word for such is "syntagma". There are other caveats. The most concise way for me to demonstrate is to tinker with your poem. Be assured you do not have to do anything to the poem I say. There are other options which have to come from the poet's own self. My ideas are tinged with opinion, even if it is reasonably educated. Generally, I like the kind of mood effect yor choice of line length produces. And I have tried to rhink as you might when changing the breaks. Loving the Rituals We stand face to face. Our eyes talk. Again, I press it ~~~~~~~~~~~~ not sure what "it" is. Is it your face? If so, perhaps "press into/against your hand" gently in your hand, you give me a most tender smile. This intimacy, this mother-daughter relationship, well wrapped in the red envelope, grows stronger as years grow longer. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Yes, the ritual is lovely, Lake -- I like how you don't tell what is in the envelope -- and it's meaningful to commemorate it with a poem. Thank you for sharing this intimate poem. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Intimate and beautiful- I have some of those red envelopes :-) and love how you capture an ordinary moment making its immediacy clear and concise... Love it! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 I find myself lacking any knowledge or unambiguous idea what a red envelope is or stands for. Nevertheless, the poem gives me a warm feeling. My only thought/opinion in my immediate response was any poem should have line breaks that are imaginatively consistent throughout. Imaginative consistency is a gnarly concept. It is aluded to be the standard by which VERSE (?poetry) is judged by and judged to be distinct fro PROSE which is judged by standards of truth and falsehood. In effect, there seems to be something about how line breaks are decided upon, either grammatically, syntactically, semantically and emotionally, i.e., by some mixture of all those aspects of speech. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 4, 2010 Author Share Posted April 4, 2010 Thank you, Tony, for spotting the envelope. Dr_Con, what do you do with the red envelopes? :) Thank you both for liking it. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 4, 2010 Author Share Posted April 4, 2010 (edited) Hi waxwings, Thank you for the suggestion of line breaks and the punctuation inserted in S2. Acturally, I played with the line breaks. The original was a four line poem, then I broke it into what it is now. I know it is still not perfect yet. I like your way of doing it, I'll put it up with mine so that others can compare. "it" refers to the red envelope. Well, it is a tradition - at family gatherings, children are given red envelopes (or red wraps) on their birthdays, new year's day, or on their wedding days, with a certain amount of money. And the color of red symbolizes good luck and is supposed to drive evil spirits away. Yes, it is simple as it could be. Thank you for fine-tuning my poems. I'll practice line breaks in my future poems. Lake Edited April 4, 2010 by Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worm Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 hi lake, like all other readers, I love the ambience you've created, very good theme. As for the array, I have to say,waxwings’ suggested version makes sense to me with more task-oriented lines/phrases. They say life itself is poetry, but only those of poetical savvy are capable enough to turn every moment a fine poem. You are one of those lake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Well in Santeria the red envelopes are used for the donation money during a ritual or party for the orisha--- When we do paper burning we sometimes use the red envelopes for private gifts to the ancestors---- They seem perfect for many many uses;-) DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Well in Santeria the red envelopes are used for the donation money during a ritual or party for the orisha--- When we do paper burning we sometimes use the red envelopes for private gifts to the ancestors---- They seem perfect for many many uses;-) DC&J Thanks for the further elucidation. But do tell where Santeria is and what is an orisha. I could google but I'd rather 'hear' you say it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 They seem perfect for many many uses;-) Yes, they do, don't they? :) It sounds universal - in this respect that money in the envelope, burning... It'll be very interesting to know more about Santeria if you don't mind telling... Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 7, 2010 Author Share Posted April 7, 2010 Worm, Your words are dabbed with honey, not sure if I can grow used to it. Thank you for your kind words. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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