Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted April 24, 2010 Share Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) One of these days we will meet when song birds do. Then we will flutter our wings and make joyful noises to the rising sun when a new day begins. Look into my eyes when i say i love you. What a beautiful way to meet. Edited May 1, 2010 by Larsen M. Callirhoe Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worm Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Hi Victor, this is the first time i read your poem. I enjoy the simple pleasure in your nice poem, but not really understand why it’s entitled suddenly. maybe another one, more poetically sounded, matches the content, a beautiful meeting? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Larsen, Maybe you are beginning to change- battling through the amazing Truth of your life and simply writing precious and perfect poetry- blew me away in a really freaking good way! enjoyed the delicate metaphors, the simple presentation and the deep, deep truth... Many, many Thanks the man of many names- just real good! DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 This poem is centered well on one of the good moments of life, but unlike Dr Con I fail to see any metaphor(s). There is a simile in lines 2 & 3 but it needs fulfillment, or is it just I who does not know HOW do birds meet even though I think that is a sweet idea. I believe the poem would be a tad sharper if the "then" in L4 were left out. I like this poem mostly because of its immediacy/expectation set in S1 and that word seems to like postpone it to some indefinite future. I think the line will work better for its simplicity w/o that word. There is this credo/rule: "do not tell, show". Should we always insist saying something is beautiful w/o letting the reader find it so by the way we describe it? That is a tough one, for I find it now and then very hard to not break it, when I find something beautiful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Hi Larsen, I think this one is better controlled than your other long poems. It is simple and has a very nice and immediate feel to it. I think the title works as it does not spell out what is to follow until you read it through - suddenly, we meet... I like it. Lake PS: Rules are supposed to be broken - someone said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted April 28, 2010 Share Posted April 28, 2010 Victor, I love this little poem. I find the form especially appealing, but I do have one small suggestion which I think would make it even better. I think standard capitalization (where expected) would enhance the otherwise perfect layout. Something like this might work: One of these days we will meet as song birds do. Then we will flutter our wings and make joyful noises to the rising sun as a new day begins. Look into my eyes as I say I love you. What a beautiful way to meet! The content delights, and the title's fitting, too. I enjoyed the lovely trope. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) one of these dayswe will meet as song birds do. then we will flutter our wings and make joyful noises to the rising sun as a new day begins. look into my eyes as i say i love you Almost Victor, gentle and tender certainly,... my suggestion is to keep the form. Lake is so right on 'control'. I like this poem, and on reading again even more so. badge Edited April 29, 2010 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Yes, our romantic Victor is back. I remember your romantic poetry Vic. I am happy to see you back in, with positive, charming, musical poem. I am happy to see you writing and sharing. Take care, my friend. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 thanks everyone for the comments. waxwings the metaphor doesnt work for you. to me a lovely women is a songbird. and when she speaks she flutters her wings so. softly speaking as songbirds do is a women out of a flock you recognize. aleksandra and tony i have been ill lately. im on a expensive new antibiotic. it worked wonders on me. i slept over 30 hours in 35 hour time span. vic Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Vic, I am glad that you are better. God be with you always. Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 (edited) thanks everyone for the comments. waxwings the metaphor doesnt work for you. to me a lovely women is a songbird. and when she speaks she flutters her wings so. softly speaking as songbirds do is a women out of a flock you recognize. aleksandra and tony i have been ill lately. im on a expensive new antibiotic. it worked wonders on me. i slept over 30 hours in 35 hour time span. vic I stand corrected, but you have confused me by speaking of yourself as a songbird as well, which seems to be the same as you intended, and I myself, as well you do, consider women to be songbirds and not just metaphorically. Excellent poem at heart, but it took me a while to figure out what bothers me linguistically. I suggest you look up a style manual to see if you are not applying "as" instead of " when". Just because repetitions of various kinds are said to be the earmark of verse vs. prose, a word repetition must be grammatically and semantically appropriate as well as evoke a poetic air. Edited May 1, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 1, 2010 Author Share Posted May 1, 2010 yesw waxwings you are correct im not good with grammer rules. i write because i want to leave something for when i am gone. im not good with grammar. if you didnt know when i became paralyzed i had major head trauma. i have boutsstill of short term memoryproblems. i also have bouts of forgettening grammar rules. when i was 8 i had a english grammar tutor. i learned allot. but because of my head and neck injury in 1996 my mind forgot stuff like grammar rules, i do try despite these issues. i like your view and you are correct. will change it so the poem flows better. victor both women and men are bsongbirds but i as a man i wouldnt refer to men as songbird just an allorgy i guess (assume). Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 Hi Larse, it is gratifying to see your contributions. That you produce such sweet words in conjunction with beautiful thoughts as this is so commendable in your restrictive circumstances. Keep up the good fight. FRank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted May 3, 2010 Share Posted May 3, 2010 yesw waxwings you are correct im not good with grammer rules. i write because i want to leave something for when i am gone. im not good with grammar. if you didnt know when i became paralyzed i had major head trauma. i have boutsstill of short term memoryproblems. i also have bouts of forgettening grammar rules. when i was 8 i had a english grammar tutor. i learned allot. but because of my head and neck injury in 1996 my mind forgot stuff like grammar rules, i do try despite these issues. i like your view and you are correct. will change it so the poem flows better. victor both women and men are bsongbirds but i as a man i wouldnt refer to men as songbird just an allorgy i guess (assume). I admire your courage, and, while you have some difficulty, the basic talent shows through. Keep on working at polishing it up. You should find someone close that will assist you, under your guidance, with orthography and the like. Poems like yours should not go to wasteby being disguised by your unfortunate circumstance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 Tony I am publishing your version of this poem. TY. Waxwings money is the problem. the type of tutor i had would help me but she is no longer with us. i speak english like a angel. if you heard me speak you would think im a scholar because of my photographic memory. my mind betrays and fails me because im on 39 different medications. Betty Hastings was my tutor's name waxwings. I have been writing ever since she guided me may she rest in peace. Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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