So Dry and Still

[JoelJosol]

In this summer heat,

anything I touch is too warm.

 

I miss the coolness of your skin,

my fingers wrapped around your arms.

 

I wish for your shade-like presence

in this air so dry and still.

 

 

* it's been a while.

Edited May 14, 2010 by JoelJosol

[dr_con]

Great to see you JJ! And a worthy simple profound poem of wanting and being you have created for your return! Sparse conveying the sense of dry heat but with the clear longing for the Other!

 

I loved it,

 

DC&J

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, DrC. I really thought I lost the drive to write. But turns out not so.

[waxwings]

* it's been a while.

 

Indeed.

 

Missing cool things is an unusually elegant way to make metaphor for a love not present.

 

There is a unique cadence throughout, and the single near rhyme makes me feel there must be more well hidden rhyme. This is especially true of the closing "still", and I will read this again till I find that one word that is its vocalic echo. The phrasing and punctuation is right on as well.

 

However, the last two lines bother me as not quite up with the first eight. I am less botheret by the repeat of "in this", for the 'story' makes it entirely proper, but jumps at me probably due to that 'lonely' "so", which seems to be looking for a referent or reason. Of course, it fits devilishly well into the rhythmic flow that nicely echoes those first eight.

 

Good to see you are still writing and with this bunch.

 

waxwings

[tonyv]

I like it, Joel. It puts me in the mood for summer and establishes that familiar sense of longing.

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, waxwings, with your feedback and analysis.

 

Thanks, Tony. It's summer in Manila and its 36 deg C.

[Lake]

Nice comeback Joel, for a cool poem in such a hot weather. It surprised me that "in this summer heat", you say "anything I touch is too warm", not "hot".

 

Lake

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, Lake. "too warm" sounds better to me than "hot" which is rather harsh and may bring a different connotation :-)

[waxwings]

Thanks, Lake. "too warm" sounds better to me than "hot" which is rather harsh and may bring a different connotation :-)

 

I felt "too warm" to be right on, because if it were "too hot" you would not dare to touch it. More generally, "hot" may be included under "warm", and, semantically, statements like so good, too much and the like make me want to know how good is so good and how hot is too hot. Moreover, they tend to beg for further info, usually such as: "that I had to cry" or, respectively, "so that I left with burned fingers".

[Lake]

Thanks, Lake. "too warm" sounds better to me than "hot" which is rather harsh and may bring a different connotation :-)

 

You're right Joel. "warm" gives a feel of a moderate degree of heat, that is, nice and warm. So this hot summer is still not unbearable.

 

More generally, "hot" may be included under "warm",

 

Why I thought "warm" is included under "hot"? I must be thick on this. :icon_redface:

 

 

I'll take my jacket.

Edited May 13, 2010 by Lake

[JoelJosol]

Tweaked the last stanza a bit.