Peak Time (was Hustling Morning)

[Lake]

Edit

 

the entrance

of the

 

parking lot

where

 

everything halts

except

 

in the glare of

headlights

 

two geese waddle

around

 

 

 

Original

 

the entrance

of the

 

parking lot

where

 

everything halts

except

 

in the gaze of

headlights

 

strut about

two geese

Edited May 25, 2010 by Lake

[tonyv]

An elegant little poem to soften those painful hours of early morning, Lake. (Well, they're painful to me, lol. I'm more of a night person.) I imagine seeing the geese while arriving at some job in some office park. (That in itself is another painful thought).

 

I like how your title says "morning," but your poem shows it. (It's unlikely geese would be waddling around at night.) Short and sweet -- this one's very WCW-like.

 

Tony

[goldenlangur]

Hi Lake,

 

Sparse and well thought out use of language and words. I do like the unexpected gaze of headlights very much.

 

 

Thank you.

[dr_con]

Agree with all! A sparse moving scene- simple and yet conveying that sense of early morning when all begins;-) Beautiful!

 

 

DC&J

[Lake]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

 

Tony, I'm greatful for your mention of WCW. And I borrowed your "waddling" in my edit. :)

 

Golden, glad you find the headlights unexpected.

 

Dr. Con, oh yes, a sense of early morning indeed.

 

Regards,

 

Lake

[dr_con]

Nice, nice re-write!

 

DC&J

[Aleksandra]

Lake, I like the edited version. Wonderful painted dawn. I love those hours sometimes, in the summer when I don't go to sleep at all, and I am willing to go in the yard and breath. Then everything looks different, and I enjoy the life of the birds those hours. I like how you presented early morning in your poem. Wonderful.

 

Aleksandra

[goldenlangur]

Hi Lake,

 

I hope I'm not muddying the waters. In your edited version something has been lost here:

 

 

in the glare of

headlights

 

 

glare of headlights is more commonly used than gaze of headlights. I thought the unexpected gaze was a delightful image.

 

And here:

 

 

two geese waddle

around

 

 

Waddle about seems almost like a factual observation whereas your original strut was quite a lovely surprise and made the reader sit up and notice the image. Also, strut, gives a sense of an unexpected show for the onlooker.

 

 

 

As ever, these are just my thought for you to ignore or consider.

 

 

But your poem is a brilliant moment rendered in all its vividness. Sometimes, it is important to trust your own instinct about what works for you, the poet.

 

 

Thank you for posting both versions - the reader is able to compare and see how you poem has evolved.