JoelJosol Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) It's not exactly clear which words became the vow we made before God and men, but I do recall the only wild thought I kept: to run away with you. You worried too much about the cold air inside malls when strolling along its wide corridors. I only took notice of your hand, its weight, its texture. You enjoyed the mountain hikes, the sound of water falling from a height, and the thick crown canopy, but I only looked to the glow of your eyes. Your conversation recently has turned to therapies, of bottles and pills but hey, I only see a bride's face fair and unblemished as the day we said our vows. Edited June 6, 2010 by JoelJosol Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Incredibly heartfelt, multi-layered, and personal -- this is one of your best poems yet, Joel. This reader can sense the speaker's wisdom: It's not exactly clear which words became the vow we made before God and men ... and his unconditional love: Your conversation recently has turned to therapies, of bottles and pills but hey, I only see a bride's face fair and unblemished as the day we said our vows. I read it over and over. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted June 9, 2010 Share Posted June 9, 2010 (edited) Hello, JJ, I wholly agree with what tonyv has to say, but am curious re your expectations of audience you intend your poems to reach. I hope you wiil decide to respond. It may be none of my business, but ther's no reason a significant poem like this should not be dressed as high quality literature worthy of a publication that would reach a larger audience than this forum. It is lengthy, perhaps difficult to explain what is in my heart and mind, but, a minimal rewrite and notes I'll post later, might help to show what I mean. Major concern: most is delightfully rhythmic, but some parts reduce that and the wholeness of theme/subject. Poetry should have as much music as is possible. There seems to be a confusion with the location of "only" and some punctuation that seems to upset the division/ordering of thoughts and the marvelous images you create. Edited June 9, 2010 by waxwings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted June 10, 2010 Author Share Posted June 10, 2010 Thanks Tony and waxwings for your feedback. It is a timely piece for my wife who is currently undergoing a battery of lab test at a local hospital. Waxwings, I understand your points. It's kinda rough in some lines. Will need some polish. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted July 9, 2010 Share Posted July 9, 2010 Joel, this is a perfectly written poem. The expressions are well done, and your poem is truly absorbed by the reader. Wonderful job, Joel. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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