Still Clear

[JoelJosol]

It's not exactly clear which words became

the vow we made before God and men,

but I do recall the only wild thought I kept:

to run away with you.

 

You worried too much about the cold

air inside malls when strolling

along its wide corridors. I only took notice

of your hand, its weight, its texture.

 

You enjoyed the mountain hikes,

the sound of water falling from a height,

and the thick crown canopy, but I

only looked to the glow of your eyes.

 

Your conversation recently has turned

to therapies, of bottles and pills

but hey, I only see a bride's face fair

and unblemished as the day we said our vows.

Edited June 6, 2010 by JoelJosol

[tonyv]

Incredibly heartfelt, multi-layered, and personal -- this is one of your best poems yet, Joel. This reader can sense the speaker's wisdom:

 

It's not exactly clear which words became

the vow we made before God and men

... and his unconditional love:

 

Your conversation recently has turned

to therapies, of bottles and pills

but hey, I only see a bride's face fair

and unblemished as the day we said our vows.

I read it over and over.

 

Tony

[waxwings]

Hello, JJ,

I wholly agree with what tonyv has to say, but am curious re your expectations of audience you intend your poems to reach. I hope you wiil decide to respond.

 

It may be none of my business, but ther's no reason a significant poem like this should not be dressed as high quality literature worthy of a publication that would reach a larger audience than this forum.

 

It is lengthy, perhaps difficult to explain what is in my heart and mind, but, a minimal rewrite and notes I'll post later, might help to show what I mean. Major concern: most is delightfully rhythmic, but some parts reduce that and the wholeness of theme/subject. Poetry should have as much music as is possible. There seems to be a confusion with the location of "only" and some punctuation that seems to upset the division/ordering of thoughts and the marvelous images you create.

Edited June 9, 2010 by waxwings

[JoelJosol]

Thanks Tony and waxwings for your feedback.

 

It is a timely piece for my wife who is currently undergoing a battery of lab test at a local hospital.

 

Waxwings, I understand your points. It's kinda rough in some lines. Will need some polish.

[Aleksandra]

Joel, this is a perfectly written poem. The expressions are well done, and your poem is truly absorbed by the reader.

 

Wonderful job, Joel.

 

Aleksandra